Amazon Private Investigators
Setting:
Amazon
Headquarters
[Detectives DARIAN
and O’REILY sit across a desk from each other.
The walls are
covered with photographs of various suspects and leads.]
DARIAN:
I don’t get it, O’Reily.
O’REILY:
What’s that, Darian?
DARIAN:
Why don’t these writers give up?
O’REILY:
Beats me. I say we got ‘em cornered.
DARIAN:
That’s true. Pretty soon they won’t have
any reviews.
O’REILY:
Did you track down any leads?
DARIAN:
As a matter-of-fact, someone clicked like on a book near the author’s IP address.
O’REILY:
That’s going down.
DARIAN:
These indies make me sick.
O’REILY:
Why’s that?
DARIAN:
I don’t know. They just do! Drop it.
O’REILY:
There’s got to be more to this.
DARIAN:
I said drop it, O’Reily.
O’REILY:
[Typing on computer.] Fine, I
will.
[Pause.] I think I have
something.
DARIAN:
It better be good.
O’REILY:
Of course, it is. This indie had a
cousin review her novel. I bet the
scumbag never thought we’d catch on.
DARIAN:
I’m starting to think this is more than a job to you, O’Reily. It seems personal.
O’REILY:
Okay, I’ll tell you but it doesn’t leave this room.
DARIAN:
Scout’s honor.
O’REILY:
When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being the lead singer in a famous band.
DARIAN:
Didn’t everybody?
O’REILY:
It was different for me, Darian. I was
with a band, a really good one. We
could’ve made it too.
DARIAN:
You’re fooling yourself, O’Reily. We all
thought we could.
[O’REILY
continues as if he didn’t hear DARIAN.]
O’REILY:
We were performing this big gig at the local concert hall. There was a producer in the audience. I was psyched.
DARIAN:
[Now interested.] What happened?
O’REILY:
He didn’t like our sound. Seeing him
walk out on was the worst feeling. I
never got over it.
DARIAN:
But you kept playing, right?
O’REILY:
No, I gave it up.
DARIAN:
Is that why you hate indie authors so much?
O’REILY:
What do you mean?
DARIAN:
O’Reily, it’s obvious. You hate indie
authors because you hate yourself. They’re
going after a dream you never could.
O’REILY:
That’s music, Darian. It’s totally
different.
DARIAN:
Is it?
O’REILY:
I guess not so much.
DARIAN:
Let’s get back to work.
O’REILY:
You go ahead. I’ll be back in a few.
[DARIAN types on
the computer for ten seconds or so before he hears someone playing guitar
outside the office.]
DARIAN:
I’ll be goddamned.
