Wednesday, December 29, 2010

You Have No Soul, You Piece of Shit

I was walking to the bank
To cash a check, when
Suddenly I heard commotion
From inside.

A young woman with
Her child stalked out
Through the door and
Yelled at who must have been
The loan officer:

You have no soul,
You piece of shit!

She slammed the door
And drove away
But left me thinking over
What she said.

Was it true,
Was she unfair,
Was it beyond the
Officer’s control?

You have no soul,
You piece of shit!

It rang out in my ears
As I imagined a sort
Of soulless, putrid shit pile
Laughing at the poor.

I swore I smelled
Its stench. My eyes
Burned with harsh

You have no soul,
You piece of shit!

The next day I went
To meet this person
And discover what
The woman meant.

I asked the teller
Where to see them
And they paused,
Uneasy saddened.

She hung herself
Last night, I’m sorry.

Moon Shot

If I did not shoot for the moon
I would never touch the stars.

If I did not dream big
I would not dream at all.

If I knew my limits
I would have to have some.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Spider

Bo was watching the floor intently. She had just lied down after walking around for a good ten minutes or so. Something seemed to be up.

I sighed, turned off the TV and went over to her. There, in front of Bo, was a spider. But Bo did not seem interested in eating it as usual. She simply watched as it crawled back and forth between her paws.

Almost immediately I got out a tissue. My hand moved slowly toward squashing the arachnid. I could see six eyes peering up at me, eight legs frozen in place. It was a moment in slow motion, I recall. Or one so fast, it could only seem to be. All I knew, microseconds from killing the spider, was my dog, leaping up at me and forcing its body between us.

I fell on my back and tried crawling toward the spider with my arm stretched out. Bo barked and grabbed the tissue in her teeth. I couldn’t wrest it from her as hard as I tried.

With me immobilized by curiosity, Bo got up and the spider walked back inside her mouth. I couldn’t understand. It seemed an impossible friendship.

From then on I didn’t come between them. Bo carried the spider with her everywhere. They ate together, they slept together, they did everything together.

Seasons passed, with snow and heat. Often in the colder months the spider could be seen huddled up inside Bo’s fur.  In the hotter temperatures it relished taking in the breeze felt underneath Bo's wagging tail.

But in the Spring, a year since they had met, things changed. Bo didn’t roam around; she simply lied outside. Underneath her was the slightest mound, and if you believe that dogs can cry, dirt wet with tears.

I grabbed a Milk Bone to console her. She ate it as I petted, said a prayer. But before I even finished, Bo was off. A caterpillar had caught her gaze somewhere in the distance. She brought it back to where I was and set it on the ground. A dog, both cursed and blessed to love and lose, I thought along our walk back to the house.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Haiku Ranting

I want to believe
I can put Humpty Dumpty
Together again.

I want to believe
The Easter Bunny left me
Baskets in my youth.

I want to believe
The Tooth Fairy was above
Having a fetish.

I want to believe
Santa came down our chimney
And ate the cookies.

I want to believe
Money doesn’t rule the world
Possess our spirits.

I want to believe
There’s some good in all of us
Despite reality.

I want to believe
World peace and other nonsense
That’s impossible.

I want to believe
In afterlife and heaven
But I'm rational.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Gnomes of Coyûl in Paperback

Ben Ditmars' novel, Gnomes of Coyûl is now Available on Amazon for Kindle and Print.

It's finally happened. Gnomes of Coyûl is now available in paperback via Createspace.  So, enjoy this tale on 100% real paper!  Or, 90% real paper.  Either way, it's pretty good.

And just in time for the holidays!  That includes Kwanzaa, but sadly not Hanukkah.  Sorry Israel, there's always next year.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Likens has been defanged
I realize as I drive the road
That once seemed vibrant,
Quaint, perhaps alive.

A silver bullet hit its heart
That day he moved away
And now a lengthy corpse decays
From 98 to somewhere off route 4.

I lay flowers by its marker,
County Highway 1-6-7,
Remembering the times we shared,
In concerts, parties, playing games.

I drive the old, forgotten route,
That’s snowy and unplowed,
In need of salt to melt the ice,
And dim from one less house’s light.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The God of Sex

I dreamed I met the God of Sex
A humpback trickster Kokopelli
Playing flute and charming women
As a rainbow serpent.

He called himself Tonacatecuhtli
Lord of Our Sustenance,
Who warmed the earth
And made it fruitful.

None argued when he changed his form
To Priapos and then Adonis
Bragging that his death brought on
The anemone and windflower.

It was, he, the young lover of Venus
With a permanent erection,
Two arms, a club and lotus
In his hands.

Yet it was also Inuus having sex
With different animals, and
Shalman off at war or
In the underworld.

These and all thoughts raced
As Gedi showed us fire,
And then became a faded
Drumbeat in our ears.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Down the Chimney and Stuck

The North Pole was foreclosed upon,
Eight reindeer repossessed;
The workshop’s now an auction house
Where children bid on toys.

Yes, the rumor’s true that Santa Claus
Went big red belly up.

Don’t blame the Candy Cane Bank
It’s not their fault Old Saint Nick
Couldn’t keep his snow white beard
And rosy cheeks above the ice.

Father Christmas was a bad investment
I heard one Bank CEO say to another
He gave too much away without
Collecting proper dividends.

I guess Old Chris Cringle paid the price
As now he’s holding out his hat
For cookies on Fifth Avenue,
And people call him drunk.

The right jolly old elf
Asks for cocoa in the soup line
But he never gets it,
Just his half-potato
With some broth and
This rancid looking
Piece of meat that’s
Floated there too long.

Hunger’s a good motivator
I've heard the politicians say.
But they've never huddled with
The garbage to keep warm
Like St. Nick and countless
Others like him.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Fire Red

Stunning, shocking from a ball
To dominate your foes–
Gotta catch ‘em all.

Heeding the Professor’s call
Traveling the caves and fields and river flows–
Stunning, shocking from a ball.

Fighting Crusher girls in brawls,
Enduring rival and Team Rockets blows
Gotta catch ‘em all.

Running fearless down the Silph Co. Halls
Finding grunts and going toe to toe
Stunning, shocking from a ball.

Saving towns from villains great and tall
On foot or bike or bird through Kanto
Gotta catch ‘em all.

Climbing every wall
Turning every stone –
Stunning, shocking from a ball
Gotta catch ‘em all.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Secret Agent Gnome

Krista:  Hey Hafrank, can we not have an adventure that’s topical or trendy for once?

Hafrank:  Of course; just let me finish sending these classified documents to Der Spiegel.

Krista:  Oh my!

There's a gnome who leads a life of quasi-danger.
To everyone he meets he’s friendly and totally not a stranger.
With every acorn-pie he makes, another chance at culinary excellence he takes.
Odds are with Krista, Nick and John Travolta around it won’t live to see tomorrow.

Secret agent gnome
Secret agent gnome
They've given you a red hat,
and taken away your fruit-cart.

Announcer:  This episode is brought to you by Mastercard… NOT.

Hafrank:  Take that diplomacy!

Krista:  Hafraaank, this is a bad idea!

Hafrank:  The world needs transparency Krista and I provide that.

Krista:  But at what cost?

Hafrank:  Shut up GW!  Now, to release these vulnerable places terrorists should attack.

Krista:  Oh, Hafrank, this is bad.  Why not expose real injustices like you used too?

Hafrank:  Like when my allowance didn’t meet the federal requirements for minimum wage?

Krista:  Exactly!

Hafrank:  I can’t Krista, it would ruin my ego trip.  Now, this hospital looks like a good place to bomb as does this life saving medicine manufacturer!

Krista:  You’ve left me no choice.

Hafrank:  What do you mean?

Krista:  I’m going to have to ground you.

Hafrank:  Noooo!  If you do a whole bunch of embarrassing documents about you will be released and I will be a martyr.

Krista:  To whom?

Hafrank:  John Travolta.

John Travolta:  Heck yes, he will!

Krista:  Johnny, if you support Hafrank, we’ll cut you off financially.

John Travolta:  That doesn’t seem very fair.

Krista:  It might not, but I’m the law in this house, and other houses… also England.

Nick walks in wearing a night cap.  Also, drinking one

Nick:  What’s going on in here?

Krista:  Hafrank’s becoming a super villain.

Nick:  Relax, Krista, it’s a toy computer.

Toy computer:  The cow says… Julian Assange did some great things with exposing Abu Graib, Guantanamo, despotism in Africa and other injustices but seems to have lost his way in breaking down diplomatic relations and exposing vulnerable locations to attack.  It seems he’s using information more as a weapon to fight his own battles anymore than something to enlighten the world toward greater understanding and cooperation amongst peoples.

Krista:  That toy computer says some conveniently ironic things.

Nick:  No, it’s completely random.

Toy computer:  Although explored by the Spanish early in the 16th century, initial attempts at colonizing Costa Rica proved unsuccessful due to a combination of factors, including: disease from mosquito-infested swamps, brutal heat, resistance by natives, and pirate raids.

Nick:  See.

Krista:  Well, I guess you’re right…

Toy Computer:  Revenge is a dish best served cold… bitch.

Krista:  Oh, Come on!

Hafrank:  Oh, toy computer!

Gordon Gee:  Oh come let's sing Ohio's praise
And songs to Alma Mater raise
While our hearts rebounding thrill
With joy which death alone can still
Summer's heat or winter's cold
The seasons pass the years will roll
Time and change will surely show
How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

King of Clubs

When every song’s about the club
Someone drinking, dancing, having sex
We forget the true ideals from playing cards
Where King of Clubs reflects
Good character and loyalty,
The realization of ideals.

When every song’s about the club,
Those outwardly cheerful,
But few inwardly reserved
We wonder if it’s lust or love
That draws them to the Diamond Queen.

How I Learned to Factor Fear: Version 2

A factor is simply a number that is multiplied to get a product
You must take apart the number, get inside and see its prime
Multiplying its existence in reverse to see the values, lessons learned
From one, three, seven, eleven, thirteen, seventeen, nineteen.

Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.
Whether the threat is real or imagined, you must get inside,
Reverse multiply to see the values
Of loss, vice, anger, anguish, sadness, solace, torment –

The roots of which we can’t compare
Or find a solid sum in anyway removed
From theoretical equations forcing and
Entreating us toward zero.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

How I Learned to Factor Fear

A factor is simply a number that is multiplied to get a product
You must take apart the number, get inside and see its prime
Multiplying its existence in reverse to see the values, lessons learned
From one, three, seven, eleven, thirteen, seventeen, nineteen.

Fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.
Whether the threat is real or imagined, you must get inside,
Reverse multiply to see the values
Of loss, vice, anguish, anger, sadness, solace, torment.

Class is dismissed; leave your papers on the desk
Fate will get to grading them, if I do not
But it will be less kind.

There will be a pop quiz sometime in life,
And as always, a final that ends when you hear:
Pencils down.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Through the Waterfall

I went right through the waterfall
And saw a little creature rolled up in a ball.

I went up to him and I petted him
And he said oogie-woogie-dim.

So I looked up the words on my telephone
And it said I’m on my own.

The creature turned around and I saw his chest
It was quite unlike the rest.

Where humans have hair, he had a jewel
And I thought that was quite cool.

I tried to reach out to touch it some
But his face got angry like a plum.

He bit my wrist and he slapped my face
Saying huggo boggu slace.

Fed up, I turned and I started to leave
But his breath began to weave.

The little guy spun and fell down hard
Like a diamond house of cards.

For a moment it seemed his jewel would burst
But I quickly got their first.

With one arm I picked up and carried him out
To get fresh air and roam about.

The light shined his chest, it hurt his eyes
And I felt bad to make him cry.

Thankfully I had a scarf for his head
That worked to ease his dread.

But as I tied it on some hunters came
And ever were they lame.

One pushed me down, the other spat
Asking what was with the rat?

I tried to convince them it was a pet
But they’d seen the jewel chest set.

I closed my eyes as they came with a knife
To end the creature’s life.

With all of his might
He put up fight.

He kicked and he scratched,
The knife he snatched.

Yet, the hunters got it back
And shoved him in their sack.

I’ll never forget what happened though
As the bag lit up and started to glow.

Green jets began to break the seams
And on the hunters’ faces gleamed.

In an instant the creature and they were gone
Extinguished on a burnt black lawn.

My tears fell heavy, as my head made sense
How this was the creature’s last defense.

I looked wet-eyed toward the sky to see
What looked like raining seeds.

They fell to the ground
So small and round.

And next, as every, Spring
More creatures grew to sing:

Ogga bogie loe
Mogie yitti ho!


Love with the passion of the greatest wars.
Live with the foresight of the wisest men.
Learn with the prerogative that it is gold.