Saturday, February 01, 2014

The Bus Stop




A neighborhood bus stop

(A conspiracy theorist with an aluminum foil hat sits next to an agent in a black suit.)

AGENT: This can’t be good.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: It couldn’t be better.

AGENT: I’ll take your word for it.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Are there aliens?

AGENT: Of course not.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: But there’s all this evidence!  You can’t deny the evidence.

AGENT: Listen, I work for the government.  I can’t make a call to across town without someone releasing it online.


AGENT: You have?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Well, my best buddy’s friend did.

AGENT: Let me guess.  He got drunk and saw a bunch of lights in the sky?


AGENT: We get requests under the Freedom of Information act to see “video from that strange thing in the sky” all the time.  It’s usually a helicopter or a gun they were shooting into the air.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Come on, man.  Just tell me where you’re hiding the UFOs.

AGENT: Okay, you’ve got the best of me.  We’re hiding the alien spacecraft directly up your ass.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (attempting to look at his butt.) I knew the feds put something up there.

AGENT: You’ve got to be smarter than that.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Smarter than what?

AGENT: Exactly.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Can you at least tell me why you killed Kennedy and faked 9/11?

AGENT: Me?  I was only five when they killed Kennedy.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Aha!  You said they.  So it was an inside job!  And so were the twin towers.  My blog is going to be so popular.

AGENT: So, it’s all about blogging?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I like to be important.

AGENT: Maybe you should volunteer at the soup kitchen or read to kids.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: That would make me important?

AGENT: Well, it only makes the world a better place.  No big deal.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Yeah, but that doesn’t do anything for me.

AGENT: You know, I think you are better off blogging about UFOs on the internet.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Duh.  Now, tell me something I can use.

AGENT: Okay, I’ll tell you a huge secret.  9/11 was an inside job planned by Obama and George W. Bush.  They wanted an excuse to invade Iraq for oil contracts and kryptonite to kill Superman.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Superman doesn’t exist.

AGENT: Not anymore.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: You just blew my mind.

AGENT: But I shouldn’t have.  The military wouldn’t sit on alien technology when they could sell it or win a war with it.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I never said alien technology.

AGENT: Blast!  Where’s my memory wiper?

(He gets out a metal pen and flashes a bright light).

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Gee wilikers!  My memories!

(The Agent looks around confused.)

Luckily, my foil hat reflected the rays.  I recall everything and now I will be the most awesome blogger since Arianna Huffington.

AGENT: That’s a strange name.  Is she with the band?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: No, but she told me I could have that pen you’re holding.

AGENT: Oh, this thing?  I thought it was a coffee stirrer.

(He hands him the memory wiper.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (Standing up.) Now I have the power!!

(The conspiracy theorist runs away laughing and leaves the agent alone.)

AGENT: What a bizarre man.  I hope he enjoys his coffee.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Guest Blog by Author Deena Rae Schoenfeldt

A Must Have Book for Authors from E-BookBuilders

Navigating The World Of E-Book Publishing was released fourteen days ago and it has been on several & Top 100 Bestselling Lists since. This is a short e-book with some of the basic beginning steps on the road to e-publishing your manuscript by Deena Rae Schoenfeldt. This is not a roadmap to getting a best seller nor it is a technical manual or writing guide, rather it addresses things that most aspiring authors don't take into consideration before starting their publishing journey. Filled with tips, tricks, and helpful advice, this book a must read if you have aspirations of joining the indie publishing ranks, have already published your own book or have a full back-list of titles already on the bookstore shelves. So, who will benefit from this book? Absolutely anyone interested in exploring the process of self-publishing, traditionally published authors with a back list of title reverting back to them, aspiring authors who are frustrated with the query merry-go-round as well as those who want to retail complete creative control from the very beginning.

Book Description

With a no-nonsense, conversational style, Deena Rae of E-BookBuilders gives advice to aspiring authors about indie publishing. Filled with information about social media, pricing, formatting styles, covers, reviews and platforms (to a name a few) there is a wealth of information for the novice author. Even experienced authors and publishers will find this book helpful and informative. With sections such as 'Authors - Quit Doing This!', 'In Praise of Audio(books)', 'Twitter Primer for Authors', and 'Should You Use Amazon's Author Central', Deena Rae gives detailed information that anyone in the industry of publishing should know and consider. Whether you are just starting on your publishing journey, considering entering the literary world or have 30 books for sale, there is something for everyone in this book.
If you would like to add the book to your Goodread's shelf - just click the button!

What Other's Are Saying

This book is a must read for Indie Authors. Deena lays out the ins and outs of ebook publishing that many other people fail to hit on. From the novice writer to the seasoned pro, there are hidden nuggets of gold for everyone in this book. The author shares her viewpoint, having worked in the industry on several sides, as if you were talking to a friend. With helpful hints, do's and don'ts, this is the best "get your feet wet" book I've come across. -Janet W., Amazon Customer
...I got down to reading and oh my word. Almost a year into self publishing the hard way, learning everything on my own, I thought I knew it all, but no. Deena Rae's book is filled with little known information, tidbits of advice, obviously picked up from years of working in the trade. Not only was there much information to be soaked in, but my brain was pleasantly sponging every little thing up because the book is written in a fun and engaging way. I read it in one sitting, and as my kindle can attest, any other tech book is rarely read beyond 40%. -Lisa G., Goodreads Reader
...This book will answer so many questions that come up during the process, which had me baffled and almost ready to throw in the towel. The author also gives excellent information on how to promote your book. She does all this with a personal touch. You will not be buried in tech speak where even a dictionary would fail miserably....I highly recommend this book to anyone that is considering self-publishing their work, or is interested in seeing how it is all done. -Amazon Customer
I had the feeling of believing and trusting Deena knowledge, straight shooting style and passion for what she does while reading her book. She produced an ebook that was easy to read and kept me scrolling through without stopping.-Mauri B., Amazon Customer
Like many authors I wish had had read books like this before I published my first book. However it is never too late to learn. It is good to read about the things I seem to have got right, the things I could improve on and to learn a few tricks from scratch. The book is very well laid out with descriptive chapter titles so that it will be easy to dip back into which I certainly will. -Wendy U., Goodreads Reader

Who Is Deena Rae?

E-BookBuilders is the online alias of Deena Rae. She was born and raised in Texas - home of bluebonnets, boots, beef and big hair - into a family that was in the printing and publishing industries. Her father was a computer programmer for major newspapers when the equipment took up whole rooms and mother has been a publisher for almost 30 years - trying, unsuccessfully, to bring her into the family business. She is a second-generation genetically perfected super-nerd.
She was happily living her life, having three third-generation genetically perfected super-nerds herself, but then through a series of events (unfortunate and fortunate), she officially joined The Book Connection - her mother's publishing and packaging company - as the Digital Director, to create the e-publishing division in 2011. Her computer skills, willingness to help authors, love of literature, no-nonsense attitude and quick wit has helped shepherd many authors through the maze of digital publishing.
Through her work with E-BookBuilders, Deena Rae has been able to meet authors and writers from all over the world and in every genre imaginable. She has a biting wit, obscure sense of humor, awareness of the absurd, and a love of literature all which led to the creation of Bluebonnets, Bagpipes and Books, the #NSFW publishing discussion podcast she produces and hosts with Janet Wrenn and Peter Burnett. Her no-nonsense attitude makes for some hilarious discussions and plenty of "Oh my God, did she really just say that?" moments. Sometimes it is as if there is no filter between her brain and her mouth. But if she likes you she tries to be nice - sometimes. Deena also has the safe-for-everyone author interview show, B3's Bookworm. You can find her most hours of everyday attached to her computer either researching, tweeting on her 6 accounts, posting on her different Facebook timelines and pages, coding e-books for her fabulous friends/clients or with her nose buried in her Kindle reading.
If you are serious about publishing your own work, or just kicking the idea around, head over to Amazon and download the ebook Navigating the World of E-Book Publishing, available exclusively on Amazon. I am also available on many social media platforms and you can track me down that way if you have a question about e-publishing.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Inhale the Night

Check out the pin I made for my new collection of poetry, Inhale the Night. It hits Kindle shelves this January.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Chia Gnome

My friend Amanda gave me a Chia gnome for my birthday. I created a photo diary of its growth over the past two weeks.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Snow and Rain on Christmas Night

I cried,
She danced.
The snow began.
It turned to rain.

And I loved her more
Than each crystal in the sky
Or each droplet
On the ground.

We were lost
Caught cold against the moon
On Christmas night.

I was frozen
You were warm
And your hand
Felt like fire,
Holy fire,
Christmas night
Oh, that holy,
Christmas night.
Caught cold against the moon
On Christmas night.

We were warm
If only for a moment
Christmas night.

*Inspired by Christmas Canon from Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Confronting the Demon by Ciara Ballintyne

I'd like to introduce a book from a great author and friend, Ciara Ballintyne. She's very clever and I hope you give her book a read.


The gates to hell are thrown wide when Alloran is betrayed by his best friend, Ladanyon, and framed for forbidden magic. He is hunted by the guards and the wizards both, tormented by the gruesome murder of his friends and loved ones, and crippled by fear for the living. Now Alloran must face his demons, or damn the woman he loves.

Including bonus short story A Magical Melody

When a lethal spell is stolen from a locked and warded room, Avram must hunt down the thief before the song of power buries a city of innocents beneath a thousand tons of ice.

Buy Links

Book Information

Confronting the Demon by Ciara Ballintyne
Date of Publication – 24 September 2013
ISBN-13: 978-0-9923466-0-7 (print)
ISBN-13: 978-0-9923466-1-4 (.mobi)
ISBN-13: 978-0-9923466-2-1 (epub)(not yet available)

About the Author

Ciara Ballintyne was born in 1981 in Sydney, Australia, where she lives with her husband, two daughters, one masochistic cat, and one cat with a god complex. She holds degrees in law and accounting, and has been a practising financial services lawyer since 2004. She is both an idealist and a cynic.

She started reading epic fantasy at the age of nine, when she kidnapped Castle of Wizardry by David Eddings from her father. Another two years passed before she began her first attempts at the craft of writing. Confronting the Demon is her debut book.

She enjoys horse-riding, and speculation about taking over the world. If she could choose to be anything it would be a dragon, but instead she shares more in common with Dr. Gregory House of House. M.D.

TWITTER – @CiaraBallintyne

IndieVengeance Day

Confronting the Demon is due to be released 1 October 2013, and I’ll be signing copies at the IndieVengeance Day Book Signing in Dallas, Saturday, October 12, 2013 from 1:00 PM to 5:00 PM (CDT). Register for free here if you’re interested to come along -

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

What You Don't Understand

I can't kill
and I can't win
a peace prize for it.
I can't save the government
It's too far gone.
I never sleep,
I'm like a drone
On Snowden's trail.
I hear voices
From a soldier's family
Who won't eat tonight.
Maybe I'm seditious,
another victim to shutdown,
But you can't kill what you don't understand.
And you'll never understand.