A Play for my Indies

Amazon Private Investigators

Setting:

Amazon Headquarters

[Detectives DARIAN and O’REILY sit across a desk from each other.

The walls are covered with photographs of various suspects and leads.]

DARIAN: I don’t get it, O’Reily.

O’REILY: What’s that, Darian?

DARIAN: Why don’t these writers give up?

O’REILY: Beats me. I say we got ‘em cornered.

DARIAN: That’s true.  Pretty soon they won’t have any reviews.

O’REILY: Did you track down any leads?

DARIAN: As a matter-of-fact, someone clicked like on a book near the author’s IP address.

O’REILY: That’s going down.

DARIAN: These indies make me sick.

O’REILY: Why’s that?

DARIAN: I don’t know. They just do! Drop it.

O’REILY: There’s got to be more to this.

DARIAN: I said drop it, O’Reily.

O’REILY: [Typing on computer.] Fine, I will. 

[Pause.] I think I have something.

DARIAN: It better be good.

O’REILY: Of course, it is.  This indie had a cousin review her novel.  I bet the scumbag never thought we’d catch on.

DARIAN: I’m starting to think this is more than a job to you, O’Reily.  It seems personal.

O’REILY: Okay, I’ll tell you but it doesn’t leave this room.

DARIAN: Scout’s honor.

O’REILY: When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being the lead singer in a famous band.

DARIAN: Didn’t everybody?

O’REILY: It was different for me, Darian.  I was with a band, a really good one.  We could’ve made it too.

DARIAN: You’re fooling yourself, O’Reily.  We all thought we could.

[O’REILY continues as if he didn’t hear DARIAN.]

O’REILY: We were performing this big gig at the local concert hall.  There was a producer in the audience.  I was psyched.

DARIAN: [Now interested.] What happened?

O’REILY: He didn’t like our sound.  Seeing him walk out on was the worst feeling.  I never got over it.

DARIAN: But you kept playing, right?

O’REILY: No, I gave it up.

DARIAN: Is that why you hate indie authors so much?

O’REILY: What do you mean?

DARIAN: O’Reily, it’s obvious.  You hate indie authors because you hate yourself.  They’re going after a dream you never could.

O’REILY: That’s music, Darian.  It’s totally different.

DARIAN: Is it?

O’REILY: I guess not so much.

DARIAN: Let’s get back to work.

O’REILY: You go ahead.  I’ll be back in a few.

[DARIAN types on the computer for ten seconds or so before he hears someone playing guitar outside the office.]

DARIAN: I’ll be goddamned.