Amazon Private Investigators
[Detectives DARIAN and O’REILY sit across a desk from each other.
The walls are covered with photographs of various suspects and leads.]
DARIAN: I don’t get it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: What’s that, Darian?
DARIAN: Why don’t these writers give up?
O’REILY: Beats me. I say we got ‘em cornered.
DARIAN: That’s true. Pretty soon they won’t have any reviews.
O’REILY: Did you track down any leads?
DARIAN: As a matter-of-fact, someone clicked like on a book near the author’s IP address.
O’REILY: That’s going down.
DARIAN: These indies make me sick.
O’REILY: Why’s that?
DARIAN: I don’t know. They just do! Drop it.
O’REILY: There’s got to be more to this.
DARIAN: I said drop it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: [Typing on computer.] Fine, I will.
[Pause.] I think I have something.
DARIAN: It better be good.
O’REILY: Of course, it is. This indie had a cousin review her novel. I bet the scumbag never thought we’d catch on.
DARIAN: I’m starting to think this is more than a job to you, O’Reily. It seems personal.
O’REILY: Okay, I’ll tell you but it doesn’t leave this room.
DARIAN: Scout’s honor.
O’REILY: When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being the lead singer in a famous band.
DARIAN: Didn’t everybody?
O’REILY: It was different for me, Darian. I was with a band, a really good one. We could’ve made it too.
DARIAN: You’re fooling yourself, O’Reily. We all thought we could.
[O’REILY continues as if he didn’t hear DARIAN.]
O’REILY: We were performing this big gig at the local concert hall. There was a producer in the audience. I was psyched.
DARIAN: [Now interested.] What happened?
O’REILY: He didn’t like our sound. Seeing him walk out on was the worst feeling. I never got over it.
DARIAN: But you kept playing, right?
O’REILY: No, I gave it up.
DARIAN: Is that why you hate indie authors so much?
O’REILY: What do you mean?
DARIAN: O’Reily, it’s obvious. You hate indie authors because you hate yourself. They’re going after a dream you never could.
O’REILY: That’s music, Darian. It’s totally different.
DARIAN: Is it?
O’REILY: I guess not so much.
DARIAN: Let’s get back to work.
O’REILY: You go ahead. I’ll be back in a few.
[DARIAN types on the computer for ten seconds or so before he hears someone playing guitar outside the office.]
DARIAN: I’ll be goddamned.