Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

When in Eden

Cast:
Young Girl
Judge
Bailiff


Setting: a courtroom in Eden, Mississippi.

YOUNG GIRL:  Your honor, he attacked me.

JUDGE: Boys will be boys and bitches be trippin’.

(The courtroom laughs heartily.)

YOUNG GIRL: But-

JUDGE: (interrupting) It’s clear you were asking for it with your overall straps down.

Young Girl: It was a hot day in July, sir.

JUDGE: That’s no excuse to strip down to your skivvies and leave your legs wide open, now is it?

YOUNG GIRL: Your honor, I didn’t do that at all.

JUDGE: I know what you think happened.  But young women seldom can control their  baser urges.  You run along now and keep decent.

BAILIFF: The courtroom is adjourned.

(The young girl is left stunned as her assailant leaves the courtroom a free man.)

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Lawrence v. Texas


A play weaving elements of the Scopes trial, Inherit the Wind and Lawrence v. Texas.


Hays--The defense desires to call Mr. Rosenthal as a witness, and, of course, the only question here is whether Mr. Lawrence had unlawful relations with a member of the same gender. We think there are other questions involved, and we should want to take Mr. Rosenthal's testimony for the purpose of our record, even if your honor thinks it is not admissible in general, so we wish to call him now.

The Court--Do you think you have a right to his testimony or evidence like you did these others?

McKenzie--I don't think it is necessary to call him, calling a lawyer who represents a client.

The Court--If you ask him about any confidential matter, I will protect him, of course.

Smith--On religious matters, Rosenthal can speak for himself.

Rosenthal--If your honor please, I insist that Mr. Smith can be put on the stand, and Mr. Malone and Mr. Hays.

The Court--Call anybody you desire. Ask them any questions you wish.

Rosenthal--Then, we will call all three of them.

Smith--Not at once?

Rosenthal--Where do you want me to sit?

The Court--Mr. Rosenthal, you are not objecting to going on the stand?

Rosenthal--Not at all.

The Court--Do you want Mr. Rosenthal sworn?

Smith--No.

Rosenthal--I can make affirmation; I can say "So help me God, I will tell the truth."

Smith--No, I take it you will tell the truth, Mr. Rosenthal.

Examination of Charles Rosenthal by Paul Smith, of counsel for the defense:

Q--You have given considerable study to the Bible, haven't you, Rosenthal?

A--Yes, sir, I have tried to.

Q--Then you have made a general study of Leviticus?

A--Yes, I have; I have studied but, of course, I have studied it more as I have become older than when I was younger.

Q--You claim that everything in it should be literally interpreted?

A--I believe everything in the Bible should be accepted as it is given there: some of the Bible is given illustratively. For instance: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." I would not insist that man was prohibited from sharing a bed out of necessity, only in regards to sinful and ungodly acts.

Q--But when you read that soul of shall not eat blood, nor shall any stranger amongst you, do you consider those ordering rare steak felons?

A—That is a dietary restriction.  One may wash himself after and be clean. I believe in a God who lets men repent. They must take imitative, however.

Q--Now, you say, you believe in redemption. Yet you believe that the man was made to act a certain way?

A--I am not prepared to say that; we are capable of choice.

Q--You don't know whether man was ordinary or made for a purpose?

A--You may guess.

Q--You are not prepared to say whether man was made to love a man or not?

A--The Bible doesn't say, so I am not prepared to say.

Q--But do you believe He made them--that He made such a man?

A--Yes, sir. Let me add: He made all of us, but we have free will and must decide our path in life. It is simply harder for others.

Q--Harder?

A--It is harder to follow God’s will for Lawrence and his unnatural lover.

Q--So, it’s perfectly easy to believe that God hates the very people he made?

A--If the Bible said so; the Bible doesn't make as extreme statements as progressives do....

Q--The Bible says in Romans 1 that men and women giving themselves over to shameful acts with the same sex are depraved much in the manner of murderers, slanderers and the like. Do you believe this?

A--I do.

Q--Do you believe that those who pass judgment on someone else condemn themself because those who pass judgment do the same things?

A--Yes, I believe the entirety of the gospel.

Q--Do you believe that the men writing said gospel believed upstanding, God fearing citizens could engage in such “immoral” behavior?

A--I don't know what they thought.

Q--You don't know?

A--I think they wrote the fact without expressing their own thoughts.

Q--Have you an opinion as to whether or not the men who wrote that thought-

Q--I read that years ago. Can you answer my question directly?  By passing judgement on those  who are homosexual aren’t you not confessing your own sins?

A--Well, I should say so.

Q-- Now, Mr. Rosenthal, have you ever pondered your commitment to the opposite sex?

A--No.

Q--You have not?

A-- No; the God I believe in took care of that, Mr. Smith.

Q-- I see. Have you ever pondered what would happen if he didn’t?

A-- No.
 
Q--Do you think God would strike me down?
 
A--You testify to that when you get on the stand, I will give you a chance.

Q--Don't you believe it?

A--That is not His business. He will attend to it someday but not now.

Q--You have never investigated that subject?

A--I don't think I have ever had the question asked.

Q--Or ever thought of it?

A--I have been too busy on things that I thought were of more importance than that.

Q--You believe the story of the Sodom and Gomorrah to be a literal interpretation?
 
A--Yes, sir.
 
Q--Why was it destroyed?
 
A--I would not attempt to find one reason.
 
Q--Was it a punishment for homosexuality?
 
A--That has been the estimate accepted today. I would not say it is entirely accurate
 
Q--That estimate is printed in the Bible?
 
A--Everybody knows, at least, I think most of the people know, that was the estimate given. and whereas think it was egregious, there was more going on
 
Q--But what do you think that the Bible, itself says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?
 
A--It was connected to rape, murder and the like.
 
Q--From what?
 
A--I could not say.
 
Q--From Leviticus?
 
A--I would not want to say that.
 
Q--What do you think?
 
A--I do not think about things I don't think about.
 
Q--Do you think about things you do think about?
 
A--Well, sometimes.
 
(Laughter in the courtyard.)
 
Policeman--Let us have order....
 
Stewart--Your honor, he is perfectly able to take care of this, but we are attaining no evidence. This is not competent evidence.
 
Witness--These gentlemen have not had much chance--they did not come here to try this case. They came here to try revealed religion. I am here to defend it and they can ask me any question they please.
 
The Court--All right.
 
(Applause from the court yard.)
 
Smith--Great applause from the bleachers.
 
Witness--From those whom you call "Yokels."
 
Smith--I have never called them yokels.
 
Witness--That is the ignorance of Texas, the bigotry.
 
Smith--You mean who are applauding you? (Applause.)
 
Witness--Those are the people whom you insult.
 
Smith--You insult every man of compassion and learning in the world because he does believe in your extreme agenda.
 
The Court--I will not stand for that.
 
Smith--For what he is doing?
 
The Court--I am talking to both of you....
 
Q--Wait until you get to me. Do you know anything about how many people there were in Mesopotamia 3,000 years ago, or how many people there were in China 5,000 years ago?
 
A--No.
 
Q--Have you ever tried to find out?
 
A--No, sir. You are the first man I ever heard of who has been in interested in it. (Laughter.)
 
Q--Mr. Rosenthal, am I the first man you ever heard of who has been interested in the orientation of human societies and primitive man?
 
A--You are the first man I ever heard speak of such things at those different periods.
 
Q--Where have you lived all your life?
 
A--Not near you. (Laughter and applause.)
 
Q--Nor near anybody of learning?
 
A--Oh, don't assume you know it all.
 
Q--Do you know there are thousands of books in our libraries on all those subjects I have been asking you about?
 
A--I couldn't say, but I will take your word for it....
 
Q--Have you any idea when Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed?
 
A--No.
 
Q--The Book you have introduced in evidence tells you, doesn't it?
 
A--I don't think it does, Mr. Smith.
 
Q--Let's see whether it does; is this the one?
 
A--That is the one, I think.
 
Q--It says B.C. 1953?
 
A--Yes, sir....
 
Q--According to historical records that was before the Mesopotamian and Egyptian records.
 
A--Oh, no; I think it is much more recent than that.
 
Q--How much?
 
A--I couldn't say.
 
Q--Do you say whether the Bible itself says it is older than that?
 
A--I don't think it is older or not.
 
Q--Why would God destroy cities before and not after for acts of homosexuality?
 
A--The bible is not the record of all people.
 
Q--Doesn't it say so?
 
A--No, sir....
 
The Court--Are you about through, Mr. Smith?
 
Smith--I want to ask a few more questions about Sodom and Gomorrah.
 
The Court--I know. We are going to adjourn when Mr. Rosenthal comes off the stand for the day. Be very brief, Mr. Smith. Of course, I believe I will make myself clearer. Of course, it is incompetent testimony before the jury. The only reason I am allowing this to go in at all is that they may have it in the appellate court as showing what the affidavit would be.
 
Rosenthal--The reason I am answering is not for the benefit of the superior court. It is to keep these gentlemen from saying I was afraid to meet them and let them question me, and I want the Christian world to know that any atheist, agnostic, or queer can question me anytime as to my belief and I will answer him.
 
Smith--I want to take an exception to this conduct of this witness. He may be very popular down here in the hills....
 
Rosenthal--Your honor, they have not asked a question legally and the only reason they have asked any question is for the purpose, as the question about Sodom and Gomorrah was asked, for a chance to give this agnostic an opportunity to criticize a believer in the world of God; and I answered the question in order to shut his mouth so that he cannot go out and tell his atheistic friends that I would not answer his questions.
 
Malone--Your honor on this very subject, I would like to say that I would have asked Mr.  Rosenthal--and I consider myself as good a Christian as he is--every question that Mr. Smith has asked him for the purpose of bring out whether or not there is to be taken in this court a literal interpretation of the Bible, or whether, obviously, as these questions indicate, if a general and literal construction cannot be put upon the parts of the Bible which have been covered by Mr. Smith's questions. I hope for the last time no further attempt will be made by counsel on the other side of the case, or Mr. Rosenthal, to say the defense is concerned at all with Mr. Smith's particular religious views or lack of religious views. We are here as lawyers with the same right to our views. I have the same right to mine as a Christian as Mr. Rosenthal has to his, and we do not intend to have this case charged by Mr. Smith's agnosticism or Mr. Rosenthal's brand of Christianity. (A great applause.)
 
Q--Mr. Rosenthal, do you believe that the first woman was Eve?
 
A--Yes.
 
Q--Did you ever discover where Cain got his wife?
 
A--No, sir; I leave the atheists to find her.
 
Q--You have never found out?
 
A--I have never tried to find
 
Q--You have never tried to find?
 
A--No.
 
Q--The Bible says he got one, doesn't it? Weren’t there only the children of Adam and Eve?
 
A--I cannot say.
 
Q--You cannot say. Did that ever enter your consideration?
 
A--Never bothered me.
 
Q--There were no others recorded, but Cain got a wife. Perhaps he married his sister.
 
A--That is not what the Bible says.
 
Q--Where she came from you do not know. All right. But you’re willing to overlook incest?
 
A-- I do not think that is what the Bible necessarily means.
 
Q--You do not?
 
A--No.
 
Q--What do you consider it to be?
 
A--I have not attempted to explain it. If you will take the second Genesis--let me have the book. (Examining Bible.) Verse seventeen of chapter four says: "And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived and bare Enoch.”  It says nothing of incest.
 
Q--But, if it were, you would be willing to embrace scripture?
 
A--I do not think it necessarily does.
 
Q--What do you think?
 
A--I do not think it does. You are reading it too literally.
 
Q--And you aren’t?
 
A--It is not the same as an issue at hand.
 
Q--What do you think about it?
 
A--That is my opinion--I do not know that my opinion is better on that subject than those who think it does.
 
Q--You do not think that?
 
Rosenthal--Your Honor, I think I can shorten this testimony. The only purpose Mr. Smith has is to slur at the Bible and all that is natural, but I will answer his question. I will answer it all at once, and I have no objection in the world, I want the world to know that this man, who does not believe in a God, is trying to use a court in Washington D.C.--
 
Smith--I object to that.
 
Rosenthal--(Continuing) to slur and destroy the Christian foundations this nation was built on and while it will require time, I am willing to take it.
 
Smith--I object to your statement. I am exempting you on your ideas that no reasonable American believes.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

A Play for my Indies

Amazon Private Investigators

Setting:
Amazon Headquarters
[Detectives DARIAN and O’REILY sit across a desk from each other.
The walls are covered with photographs of various suspects and leads.]
DARIAN: I don’t get it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: What’s that, Darian?
DARIAN: Why don’t these writers give up?
O’REILY: Beats me. I say we got ‘em cornered.
DARIAN: That’s true.  Pretty soon they won’t have any reviews.
O’REILY: Did you track down any leads?
DARIAN: As a matter-of-fact, someone clicked like on a book near the author’s IP address.
O’REILY: That’s going down.
DARIAN: These indies make me sick.
O’REILY: Why’s that?
DARIAN: I don’t know. They just do! Drop it.
O’REILY: There’s got to be more to this.
DARIAN: I said drop it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: [Typing on computer.] Fine, I will. 
[Pause.] I think I have something.
DARIAN: It better be good.
O’REILY: Of course, it is.  This indie had a cousin review her novel.  I bet the scumbag never thought we’d catch on.
DARIAN: I’m starting to think this is more than a job to you, O’Reily.  It seems personal.
O’REILY: Okay, I’ll tell you but it doesn’t leave this room.
DARIAN: Scout’s honor.
O’REILY: When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being the lead singer in a famous band.
DARIAN: Didn’t everybody?
O’REILY: It was different for me, Darian.  I was with a band, a really good one.  We could’ve made it too.
DARIAN: You’re fooling yourself, O’Reily.  We all thought we could.
[O’REILY continues as if he didn’t hear DARIAN.]
O’REILY: We were performing this big gig at the local concert hall.  There was a producer in the audience.  I was psyched.
DARIAN: [Now interested.] What happened?
O’REILY: He didn’t like our sound.  Seeing him walk out on was the worst feeling.  I never got over it.
DARIAN: But you kept playing, right?
O’REILY: No, I gave it up.
DARIAN: Is that why you hate indie authors so much?
O’REILY: What do you mean?
DARIAN: O’Reily, it’s obvious.  You hate indie authors because you hate yourself.  They’re going after a dream you never could.
O’REILY: That’s music, Darian.  It’s totally different.
DARIAN: Is it?
O’REILY: I guess not so much.
DARIAN: Let’s get back to work.
O’REILY: You go ahead.  I’ll be back in a few.
[DARIAN types on the computer for ten seconds or so before he hears someone playing guitar outside the office.]
DARIAN: I’ll be goddamned.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Battle of the Sexes Part 3

I wasn't a virgin. I had sex before the war started. And no, that does not make me some sort of slut who deserved what she got. I felt just as humiliated as any pure woman would. My heart crumbled just as fragile. I even blamed myself. But it wasn't my fault. He was an animal. Maybe society had crafted him but he was still responsible. If the law is all that keeps you from ravaging and killing women you are less than human.

As three men dragged my beaten body into an abandoned house, I told myself these things. I needed something, anything to draw my mind away from reality. How did they find me? I'd hidden for so long and the instance I came out from hiding it was over... Men were looking for any sex they could find. I guess I was it.

The pig, no worse than pig, was unzipping above me. I struggled and he hit me. My mother flashed through my mind; raped and murdered just as easily. My father protecting her; my sister leaving me; it was all surreal and yet too real. At times, before they had impunity, men pretended to be police, and got inside. That's how they killed her, my mother and the closest thing I ever had to a friend.

Oh, God, he was inside me. I wanted to throw up but threw my mind toward memories that were only slightly less horrifying. Father struggled. He was strong, maybe stronger. He could have won if not for the blade. It stabbed his side as I watched helpless from the stairs.

Nausea took me. Every thrust made me wish he'd end it all and slit my throat. Worse, my mind became focused on the living hell. He grabbed for my breasts and I had no will left to stop him. I heard a door opening. Was it heaven? Maybe God had come to take me away, if Satan had not already. It was impossible to tell before I saw her. She was not a demon.

A halo hung above a goddess with an automatic rifle. The worse than pig pulled out. I felt bleeding in full force. He rose toward her, moving inches seeming miles and was shot. The other two were next. I may have cheered if not for her own blood pooling on the carpet. "She was a hero," I thought, witnessing her body collapse. "I wish she hadn't paid the price."

Friday, May 11, 2012

Battle of the Sexes Part 2

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

Women called it a Battle of the Sexes. We were just after the pussies God made for us. If that's wrong none of us cared. My buddies Buck, Tyson and I were winning, getting our fill. So were any women we came across. Most of the mature ones died off fastest. That left younger ones without hair on their cunts. I'm sure some born out of the struggle. Maybe twenty or so were my own kids. I only felt a little guilty. The pleasure made it worth while. Them girls were so lean and tender, like a fresh cut of veal. My mouth waters just thinking of it. I remember pulling one of these young calves into an abandoned house with my buddies. She was crying something fierce, maybe a virgin, if there were any left to be had. There'd be some blood, I thought, a little tearing but she'd be good and worn in my the time we all had our way.

I went first, thinking I'd make an honest women out of her. She screamed as I unzipped my jeans with one hand and pinned her with the other. Not an easy flower to unpluck but I was up to the job. A few squirms, a hit to her face and I was in. She wasn't wet but I took it in stride. Couldn't let the little slut enjoy herself too much. Her breasts were small but I grabbed onto them just the same. I missed the fuller ones. A ride was a ride so I pumped her a good five or ten times. That's when the door opened.

In walked this big-breasted goddess with an automatic rifle. I might've thrown the little git aside and gone for the main course if she hadn't fired rounds into me and my buddies. I got one shot off but that was it. I felt a twinge of regret, for her and the other women; a little respect for the bitch shooting. "She was a goddamn hero," I thought, hitting the ground, "and we all paid the price."

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Battle of the Sexes




It ended sooner than we thought it could; the last and final battle of the sexes.  The battle for sex itself some said but they were mostly men.  The majority of women saw more; equality, an end to persecution, a host of other pipe dreams. I fought for something else entirely; myself. Ideology just got you killed. It made you a target. I'd seen too many head-in-the-clouds types get themself shot. The action takes place on the ground and you can't afford to be anywhere else.

I holed up in a basement, not hoping for things to get better so much as going down on my own terms. The fire fight still raged around me. I hadn't started it and I wouldn't finish it. There were no goals or strategies; just a gal and her automatic rifle. If vengeance took over for self-preservation, it didn't matter; not at this juncture. I wasn't coming out alive.

A door opened above me. I readied the trigger, waiting to fire. Two men were talking. They had a young girl with them. She clearly did not want to be with them. I felt for her; young, naive, thrown into a war of ceaseless ravaging. That's what it became in essence. Men grew tired of being men, reverting to their natural state. Some tried stopping it but only got themselves murdered by others. My father was one of them; the only decent man I'd ever known.

Her screams shook the walls. I smelled her fear. It wasn't that different from my first time. But it would be. I was alone; a penetrated wretch of guilt and shame. She had me. I readied my rifle once more, climbing the stairs.

I wasn't prepared for the sight but neither were they. Her bruised and broken state ignited a rage I promised myself would never get the better of me. I was idealistic as I fired rounds into a grotesque ape fondling the young girl. It was an unstoppable state. I penetrated the rest of them with bullets; disgusted and joyous at the same time.

The young girl stared at my moment of triumph. Or what should have been. I did not notice how I bled profusely. It hadn't seemed like I was hit. But I was. The room was blurred and spinning from control. I was a hero I thought hitting the ground, and I paid the price.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

New York Times Interview with Jasper Johnson

TRANSCRIPT
Jasper Johnson’s Interview from the Middle of an Old, Barren Cornfield
Published: April 17, 2026
Top of Form
Bottom of Form

Jasper Johnson spoke in a 20-minute interview from the remains of what was once Chicago, eventually a cornfield, and most recently a burned barren wasteland. This is an edited transcript, as recorded by The New York Times.

Q. Jasper, how did you originally come to owning this large swath of land that just two decades ago encompassed a major metropolitan area?

A. Well, my daddy got it cheap; real cheap after the recessions.  You can’t turn down a bargain, right?  But my daddy, he was no statesman, governor or anything like that.  He knew farmin.  And that’s what he fixed to do.

Q. But how did he reconcile the fact that millions of people lived in a city that was by no means a farming economy?

A. He wasn’t no tyrant, if that’s what you’re sayin.

Q. Wikipedia, the sole source of reliable encyclopedic knowledge for the past ten years, states John Johnson kicked thousands out from their homes for refusal to farm.  Not only this he shut down the financial sector, most businesses and the historical theatres Chicago had grown famous for.

A. Daddy didn’t want people gettin no other ideas.  He knew deep down people wanted to farm, and he jus sought to bring that out in ‘em.  So, he had to break a few balls; most great leaders do and so did my dad.

Q. Moving past an obvious attempt at economic coercion, what was the final straw that caused the mass exodus of 2015?

A. Well, daddy succeeded in making Chicago the best farm in the Midwest.  But, people weren’t happy.  They got used to fancy livin and didn’t like the wages we paid them for the fieldwork.  So we had some damage control to take care of.

Q. This damage control was well noted in the news reports of the time.  You hired thugs to weed out dissenters and ran the former city as a dictatorship?

A. Hey now, Ms. Progressive, where did all your good ole reforms get us?  Nowhere!  The economy crashed.  We stuck to the free market like you all should’ve in the first place.

Q: A report from September 25, 2014 cited you turning the combines on farmers to instill fear.  Do you call this free?

A: Hell yeah, it’s our property after all!

Q: Did the actions of a suppressed people not surprise you in the least then?

A: I thought it was a bit ungrateful to burn the corn, after all the jobs we gave ‘em.

Q: And yet you tried to make them stay?  How do you justify that?

A: They owed daddy and me money for one.  Those good for nuthin’ workers didn’t pay rent.  Why wouldn’t we try and get a little something back?

Q: If you justify your methods, thusly, then surely you can’t justify the firing of weapons inevitably killing so many?

A: I did what it took to keep order for daddy and me.

Q: Do you mean order or do you mean profits?

A: Same thing.  There ain’t no order when the rich suffer.  Sheep need herded, after all.

Q: Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

A: Tons.  I would’ve tried to get another state to help stop the exodus, maybe put down some more sedition and what not.

Q: Where do you think the former Chicagoans are right now?

A: Probably suffering under some socialist dictator.

Q: How do you see yourself as different from said dictator?

A: I’m a born and bred capitalist.  I make money for myself and not no government.

Q: Quality of life and other things don’t play into your equation?

A: Them people were doing just fine.  They had their independence from the state and earned a livin.  What every true American should want.

Q: Do you not reconcile that with the fact there’s no one left to govern?

A: I think they’ll see the downsides of Socialism in time and come crawling back to Jasper and John Johnson.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Psychadelic

Papier-mâché trees with cardboard trunks,
And starry lights
Attracting gnats in posh berets
That speak obnoxiously of French Ballet.

Steam powered busboys clear tables
With their steel-gripped robot hands
Singing songs of woe in binary –
They know you won’t decipher any.

Holograms of cushy chairs
Disappear as you approach,
Become a bed of spiky cacti
And poke you all-night with their lie.

The moon is visible for just two seconds
Before it’s blocked out with airplanes pulling banners,
And fireworks to conquer nature,
Enforcing merits of consumption.

Even wasps text one another
Sipping nectar maitais, talking politics,
Deciding where to find the next hot market -
So they'll invest in caterpillar futures first.