WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
Setting: a dusty room with shelves and a cauldron.
WITCH: A virgin lights the candle! I am reborn!
VIRGIN: I am NOT a virgin.
WITCH: Well, the enchantment said virgin and I’m here… so who do you think is right?
VIRGIN: I’m just saying the standards for virginity are different than they were in your day.
WITCH: That sounds like something a virgin would say; even in my time.
VIRGIN: Trust me, if you eat my flesh, you’ll be feasting on a very dirty boy… I’ve done things.
WITCH: Really? What things?
VIRGINS: Sex things. (Pause.) I’ve touched boobs and junk.
WITCH: You heathen! My sister got pregnant from boob touching and junk.
WITCH: Of course not, you imbecile. Now sit still while I prepare a soup to devour you.
(She goes to a nearby shelf and starts looking through her ingredients.)
VIRGIN: It’s going to taste horrible. I have a lot of VD.
WITCH: You are speaking to the bride of Satan, the queen of the vilest VD!
VIRGIN: But mine are worse than yours. You’ll get probed with a Q-tip in your witch snatch and no one will love you. The gym teacher said so.
WITCH: I have bathed in fire and orgied with demons on a thousand knives. Love is nothing.
VIRGIN: Golly, I mean goddamn.
WITCH: Such a virgin. (She puts her ingredients in the cauldron and it bubbles.) It’s time to jump inside, my little one.
VIRGIN: Not until you have sex with me.
VIRGIN: You can’t eat me until I eat you.
WITCH: My unholy snatch will curse your member. It will bleed fire -
VIRGIN: Blah, blah, blah… now get your cloak off and get nasty on the spell books with me.
(They began kissing and undressing each other.)
WITCH: Not the broomstick.
VIRGIN: It’s only half as long as mine.
WITCH: My cauldron is bubbling!
VIRGIN: It better be. I’ve got all natural ingredients for it. My eye of newt is going in your toe of frog tonight.
WITCH: (panting.) You really aren’t a virgin.
VIRGIN: I told you so.