Friday, July 19, 2013

The Witch and the Virgin



Setting: a dusty room with shelves and a cauldron.

WITCH: A virgin lights the candle!  I am reborn!

VIRGIN: I am NOT a virgin.

WITCH: Well, the enchantment said virgin and I’m here… so who do you think is right?

VIRGIN: I’m just saying the standards for virginity are different than they were in your day.

WITCH: That sounds like something a virgin would say; even in my time.

VIRGIN: Trust me, if you eat my flesh, you’ll be feasting on a very dirty boy… I’ve done things.

WITCH: Really?  What things?

VIRGINS: Sex things. (Pause.) I’ve touched boobs and junk.

WITCH: You heathen!  My sister got pregnant from boob touching and junk.

VIRGIN: Really?

WITCH: Of course not, you imbecile.  Now sit still while I prepare a soup to devour you.

(She goes to a nearby shelf and starts looking through her ingredients.)

VIRGIN: It’s going to taste horrible.  I have a lot of VD.

WITCH: You are speaking to the bride of Satan, the queen of the vilest VD!

VIRGIN: But mine are worse than yours.  You’ll get probed with a Q-tip in your witch snatch and no one will love you.  The gym teacher said so.

WITCH: I have bathed in fire and orgied with demons on a thousand knives.  Love is nothing.

VIRGIN: Golly, I mean goddamn.

WITCH: Such a virgin.  (She puts her ingredients in the cauldron and it bubbles.) It’s time to jump inside, my little one.

VIRGIN: Not until you have sex with me.

WITCH: What?

VIRGIN: You can’t eat me until I eat you.

WITCH: My unholy snatch will curse your member.  It will bleed fire -

VIRGIN: Blah, blah, blah… now get your cloak off and get nasty on the spell books with me.

(They began kissing and undressing each other.)

WITCH: Not the broomstick.

VIRGIN: It’s only half as long as mine. 

WITCH: My cauldron is bubbling!

VIRGIN: It better be.  I’ve got all natural ingredients for it.  My eye of newt is going in your toe of frog tonight.

WITCH: (panting.) You really aren’t a virgin.

VIRGIN: I told you so.

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