Saturday, June 30, 2012

Sprite



I don’t know who’s reading this. You may be too late. If so, try not to go insane over the perplex situation of my corpse. The tiny bite marks and miniature hand prints around the throat area would be unsettling if not mystifying to most. But really, if I were you, I wouldn’t sweat it. These things happen. You just never read about it. I imagine this is because the media shies away from stories involving Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster or in my case, fairies.

Just two hours ago, I wasn’t a believer either. In fact, I was the worst sort of skeptic and annoying debunker. I recall my nephew telling me how rainbows were God’s miracles. I broke it to him, they were an optical phenomenon only visible to human eyes by a mere accident of evolutionary development. He cried like a baby to his mother and I haven’t seen him since.

But, really, about the fairies. I stumbled on them in a peculiar way. You know how litterers throw cans and other trash out their windows? I had grown really tired of it, myself and decided to take action. Luckily, there was leftover celo-tape and paper in my desk drawer. Both are great for lifting fingerprints. The police would finally have the evidence they needed, I thought bagging evidence. What I didn’t count on, however, was a single can of soda. It was like most others; shiny, aluminum, etc. Yet, it was entirely unopened.

Why would someone in their right mind throw a whole can of Sprite away? I know some people prefer Coca-Cola or Pepsi, but really. A whole can!? It’s delicious and refreshing. That’s why I wiped it off and decided to drink. It was not my proudest moment but I popped the tab. I expected bubbly delight and sugary ambrosia. The contents proved to be more disappointing as a hundred fairies flew out at my face. The can of Sprite was full of sprites.

I called them gnats, I called them ladybugs, but neither insect screamed in childish delight. Nor did they have glittery, pink wings. Perhaps it was a hologram, I contemplated as I ran for dear life. Holograms are just projections, however, and in most cases decline to eat your face. My hands protected from the worst of it. But fairies were getting through the gaps, clawing mere inches from my eyelids.

That’s when I spotted the tool shed. I never kept tools in it, I just preferred the quaint look. Also, it made me seem handy and was therefore important to my dating prospects. Yet, quaintness and potential girlfriends were far from my mind as the need to have a face superseded. The shed was a haven. Fairies weren’t termites. They couldn’t chew through wood.

For a minute I felt safe in my accomplishment. I even gave fairies raspberries through the window. It proved to be a bad mistake. Fairies have hands and the shed had a doorknob. They turned it before I found anything to block their entrance.

Suffice to say, I was cornered and out of options. I tried explaining I wasn’t the one at the bottling plant who canned them. I even proclaimed my love of mischievous creatures in Shakespeare’s a Midsummer Night’s Dream. They didn’t listen and my eyeballs were far too tasty to ignore. I imagine they had the consistency of those round pears from the Chinese buffet, but can’t be sure. All I do know is it doesn’t pay to be a skeptic. You may think it does before a goblin attack or a unicorn stampede, but you’ll be wrong.

24 comments:

  1. I love this.The can of Sprite was full of sprites...priceless. I shall be wary of goblin attacks, unicorn stampedes and drinking Sprite! Love your humor!

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  2. Awesome, cool write, Ben. I loved it. (I'll never drink my Sprite now without thinking of this.) :-) xoxo

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    1. :) Thank you, Marion. Sprite is very refreshing. I had some today.

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  3. Ben, I was here, I saw, and I understand...

    Wnader

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  4. "Why would someone in their right mind throw a whole can of Sprite away?"

    "They didn’t listen and my eyeballs were far too tasty to ignore. I imagine they had the consistency of those round pears from the Chinese buffet, but can’t be sure. All I do know is it doesn’t pay to be a skeptic. You may think it does before a goblin attack or a unicorn stampede, but you’ll be wrong."

    Genuine hilarity. You're fantastically clever.

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  5. I just hope that you did not throw the empty Sprite can on the road.
    Rest - - good imagination.

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    1. I actually cleaned it off very well and poured it in a cup to drink ;-)

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  6. Wow, you sure know how to create magic..Love following your posts..thanks for the comments on mine..Susie

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  7. Ben I have to say you have one of the most creative minds I have ever had the pleasure to know! At times I cant help but write in response to what you put up...if that ever becomes a problem let me know :-)

    Wander

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    1. Thank you, Chris. I love your responses. We're like a team :)

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  8. I just watched "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" (the one with Katie Holmes) and now I'm reading this...

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  9. Thank GOD when I saw fairies being born on over-bright dawns at Lake Winnipesaukee, that I never DID decide to catch some in a jar for proof! I'd have been a goner by age seven!

    When I return to the Lake later this summer, I'll have a moment of silence for you, one dawn. I am, however, grateful that you communicate from the Great Beyond, mangled self notwithstanding.

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    1. Funny you say that. This story did actually take about a week to write.

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You've found your way inside my head and now there's no way out!