Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hopefully the Craziest Thing You've Read Today


Heathcliff

Heathcliff had a list.  It wasn’t for groceries or school supplies.  The paper wasn’t college ruled.  In fact, the dimensions and texture proved quite mind boggling.  It looked burnt.  How and why Heathcliff wrote on it or saw anything he put down was a prevalent observation.  Rumors started it was joke-shop parchment used to cheat on tests.  But he never had it out during tests and a teacher couldn’t easily miss something so easily distinguishable.

The real reason for the paper was far more fantastic than any perceived. Heathcliff was practicing an ancient form of sorcery.  Being on the smart and quiet side he had never quite fit in.  This led others to pick on him.  Sorcery seemed to thus have all the answers.  He could get his revenge clandestinely with seemingly no chance of retribution. You might be thinking of old movies where magic comes back with equal force on the conjurer.  Heathcliff was much too smart for this. The negative energy was instead channeled to a generator and sold back as clean power to the local electrical cooperative.  His parents got a tax deduction and everyone was happy; except his enemies that is.

Josh Bautista woke up one morning to find his head two times smaller than normal. At first he was elated, thinking a new workout and muscle supplements had finally paid off.  Any illusions, however, were broken as it continued getting smaller.  His girlfriend Millie literally gasped and fainted as she saw him walking to his locker that day, thinking him beheaded.  It was seemingly a large price to pay for questioning Heathcliff’s argument in Social Studies. How dare he deny my claim the world is metaphorically flat!

By all accounts, Josh had had it relatively easy.  Rob Mullins was debating in speech class when for seemingly no reason he took down green curtains from the window, garbed himself and pretended to be Robin Hood. The principal was called in immediately but Rob refused to back down.  He insisted Principal was short for Prince John and demanded his lands back. When pressured further he ran out the door into a nearby forest shouting for his merry men.  Heathcliff finally achieved his revenge for losing the third-grade Spelling Bee.  No one will remember accordion had two “c’s”!

Somewhere between shrunken heads and English folklore Heathcliff realized sorcery could benefit himself in the same ways it harmed Josh and Rob.  He wrote his name on the parchment underneath the others with the intention of becoming a shrimp; a graceful creature he had long admired.  Unfortunately, for Heathcliff that particular marine animal was on the school lunch menu and he became an exceptionally large cocktail.

21 comments:

  1. I think the knock knock joke's far crazier. I should have read this before counseling because I really, really liked it. I was smiling quite gleefully at the end. And perhaps I should discuss this with her...

    Yes, indeed, I am liking your blog. Again, maybe with the counseling need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jeannette :D Happy to make you smile!

      Delete
  2. Your hopes are matched by life.

    Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  3. garbed himself made me laugh. that sort of satirical use of seemingly sophisticated vocabulary was the creme. i also like seemingly no chance of retribution. especially with the title, i get a little wuthering heights flavor in this. did you read it recently?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no I haven't yet. It seems interesting though!

      Delete
  4. This is so funny...you have an incredible knack for humor...oh and I am allergic to shrimp :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Any other seafood too? I'm allergic to blue crab but can eat regular crab and shellfish.

      Delete
    2. One of these days Ben I'll cook up my four star clam chowder......and tell you how good it was;-)

      funny spin on the negative energy, I am always into renewable energy...let that rotten little s#@t hex all he wants papa needs juce for his electric nail file!

      Delete
    3. Or you could invite me over ;-)

      An electric nail file sounds pretty dangerous. I won't even use an electric razor (when I shaved).

      Delete
    4. Ben after writing this I had a dream that I was trying to shave what I call a beard and all the electric razor would do was pull out the hairs...very painfully. You took the razor from me and said "let me show you how to do that" and started shaving huge chunks of your beard off...strange I dont usualy have situational dreams.

      Delete
  5. Concider your self invited...although Portland is better in the summer:-) yeah that chin mop you got going on would take more then an electric razor (I wouldnt use one either)

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is just fabulous! I was already intrigued by the name Heathcliff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's such an awesome name. We should use it more.

      Delete
  7. Ben! We have to drive for about 3 hours South to go shrimping. But now crawfish....I can find you some scrumptious mudbugs around my block in ANY ditch with a string tied to a chicken neck, I shit you not, my friend. They're as yummy as shrimp with the added benefit of not having BP oil on them!! Come on down and I'll take you crawfishing. :-) xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooo that sounds envirgorating, when's the best time for crawfishing?

      Delete
  8. Crawfish season starts in January around here and goes till Summer. As kids we used to crawfish all the time in the deep ditches. Nowadays, we buy them at the local fish market. Wally World sells Chinese crawfish, but we boycott those and only buy Louisiana Crawfish. Annie had some while she was here last year and she loved them. :-) xo

    ReplyDelete

You've found your way inside my head and now there's no way out!