Hopefully the Craziest Thing You've Read Today

Heathcliff

Heathcliff had a list.  It wasn’t for groceries or school supplies.  The paper wasn’t college ruled.  In fact, the dimensions and texture proved quite mind boggling.  It looked burnt.  How and why Heathcliff wrote on it or saw anything he put down was a prevalent observation.  Rumors started it was joke-shop parchment used to cheat on tests.  But he never had it out during tests and a teacher couldn’t easily miss something so easily distinguishable.

The real reason for the paper was far more fantastic than any perceived. Heathcliff was practicing an ancient form of sorcery.  Being on the smart and quiet side he had never quite fit in.  This led others to pick on him.  Sorcery seemed to thus have all the answers.  He could get his revenge clandestinely with seemingly no chance of retribution. You might be thinking of old movies where magic comes back with equal force on the conjurer.  Heathcliff was much too smart for this. The negative energy was instead channeled to a generator and sold back as clean power to the local electrical cooperative.  His parents got a tax deduction and everyone was happy; except his enemies that is.

Josh Bautista woke up one morning to find his head two times smaller than normal. At first he was elated, thinking a new workout and muscle supplements had finally paid off.  Any illusions, however, were broken as it continued getting smaller.  His girlfriend Millie literally gasped and fainted as she saw him walking to his locker that day, thinking him beheaded.  It was seemingly a large price to pay for questioning Heathcliff’s argument in Social Studies. How dare he deny my claim the world is metaphorically flat!

By all accounts, Josh had had it relatively easy.  Rob Mullins was debating in speech class when for seemingly no reason he took down green curtains from the window, garbed himself and pretended to be Robin Hood. The principal was called in immediately but Rob refused to back down.  He insisted Principal was short for Prince John and demanded his lands back. When pressured further he ran out the door into a nearby forest shouting for his merry men.  Heathcliff finally achieved his revenge for losing the third-grade Spelling Bee.  No one will remember accordion had two “c’s”!

Somewhere between shrunken heads and English folklore Heathcliff realized sorcery could benefit himself in the same ways it harmed Josh and Rob.  He wrote his name on the parchment underneath the others with the intention of becoming a shrimp; a graceful creature he had long admired.  Unfortunately, for Heathcliff that particular marine animal was on the school lunch menu and he became an exceptionally large cocktail.