Hacks

Characters:

Dr. Joshua Killjoy

Dr. Morgan

Richard Blamsby

Dr. Jackson

Dr. Watts

A large reception is going on; people in white lab coats stand behind a banner reading:

64th Annual Scientific Symposium

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Very astute Dr. Morgan. I’ve been researching how our subconscious affects our conscious so I think I would very interested in reading your thesis.

Dr. Morgan: You’re just saying that. Flattery, I’ll have you know, won’t get you anywhere tonight.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: But I mean it. With all my heart… or compassion center of my brain I should say.

Both laugh

Dr. Morgan: I know exactly which part of your brain’s really at work, but for the sake of some of the older doctors here I won’t dare mention it.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: I’ll get us some punch. Perhaps you’ll see my good intentions have merit after a drink or two.

Dr. Morgan: You, my colleague are among the dirtiest of dogs.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: With a PhD to match.

Killjoy cracks a smile and walks toward the punch; a man is standing in front of it blocking the ladle

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: I say, sir, would you mind taking a step to the left?

Richard Blamsby: Of course, no problem at all.

Blamsby takes a small step to the left but the punch ladle is still unreachable

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: I meant, with all due respect, for you to move out from the vicinity of the bowl so that I may get a glass.

Richard Blamsby: You look familiar. Did I see you on The View?

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: No, I am a professional researcher with little time to muck about the entertainment industry. Now, if you please, I would rather enjoy some punch.

Richard Blamsby: That can wait. I know I know you from somewhere. Did we graduate together?

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: I am sure I would not so much as think to trespass on any alma mater you chose to frequent. That is indeed if you meant college, and not High School, which in the current light, I’m beginning to believe you may have not finished.

Richard Blamsby: Chill out, man. I went to college. Princeton, class of ’84.

Killjoy looks stunned as if he’s seen a ghost but falls back to shaking his head repeatedly

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: That is simply impossible.

Richard Blamsby: So, what did you end up doing with your education?

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: If you must know, I am a professional researcher of the subconscious, namely dreams.

Richard Blamsby: Wow, I study dreams too!

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: How would you like to join my colleagues and I in an intellectual discussion then?

Richard Blamsby: It would be my pleasure.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: First, just let me get my punch.

Killjoy gets his punch and brings Blamsby over to his colleagues

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Hello, fellow scientists, I found this individual over by the punch bowl. He claims to be in on dream research as are most of you. Strangely, I’ve never heard of him before this day, however.

Dr. Morgan: What is your name good sir?

Richard Blamsby: It’s Blamsby, Richard Blamsby.

Dr. Jackson: Would you mind describing some of your methods to us Richard?

Richard Blamsby: Generally, I sit around or go for walks for a good hour or two to get the creative juices flowing. Then, I sit at my computer desk and write.

Dr. Watts: Write?

Richard Blamsby: Yes, I write about dreams; what they are, what they mean.

Dr. Morgan: And, do you do any sort of testing?

Richard Blamsby: Well, I think it over in my head. That usually works out pretty well.

Dr. Watts: We see.

Dr. Jackson: What kind of doctor are you, anyway?

Richard Blamsby: I earned my PhD in English.

Laughter breaks out

Dr. Morgan: Dr. Killjoy, simply how did you find this sort?

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Some might call it talent.

Richard Blamsby: Hey, now, my field is just as important as any of yours. I help people understand themselves and dreams in a different way.

Dr. Jackson: Of course you do, lad, in the way a kindergartner may explain their days work to a parent.

Dr. Morgan: Did you color anything today Dr. Blamsby?

More laughter

Richard Blamsby: You are all very obsessed with your importance.

Dr. Watts: Perhaps because what we do actually makes a difference in the world.

Richard Blamsby: I’m going back to the punch bowl.

Dr. Morgan: Don’t drink too much, you may get a twummy ache.

Blamsby walks away

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Perhaps we were too hard.

Dr. Morgan: I wouldn’t say that if you still want a chance with me.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Oh, I do.

Blamsby watches from the punch bowl as Killjoy and Morgan kiss

Richard Blamsby: The scientist always gets the girl.

Blamsby pulls out his invitation

Must have gotten it by mistake. Oh, well.

He throws the invitation in the trash bin

Guess it’s time I leave.

Blamsby heads for the door

Goodbye party.

As Blamsby’s hand touches the knob a commotion begins; someone has fallen ill

Dr. Watts: Is there a doctor in the house?

All: Yes!

Dr. Watts: That’s not a PhD!

All: No.

Blamsby runs toward the woman, Dr. Morgan, who has fallen ill

Richard Blamsby: I can help.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: How, you’ve studied English!

Richard Blamsby: I did critical research of medicine for my last novel. Elevate her head with the pillow from the sofa. Someone get sheets or blankets.

Dr. Jackson: What’s going on?

Richard Blamsby: Her contractions are two minutes apart.

Dr. Jackson: That means…

Richard Blamsby: She’s having a baby.

Dr. Watts: That’s absurd, we would have noticed her being pregnant.

Richard Blamsby: Not always, in rare cases woman are not aware of pregnancy. Nor are those close to them.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Oh, my! She’s crowning! I might be sick.

Richard Blamsby: You were just kissing her a minute ago.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Yes, but…

Richard Blamsby: Remember to push between contractions Dr. Morgan.

Blamsby supports the baby’s head as it emerges

Dr. Watts: It’s a boy!

Richard Blamsby: It’s obvious you are not aware what a penis looks like Dr. Watts. It’s a girl.

Dr. Morgan: A girl!

Blamsby covers the baby and puts it on the mother’s chest

Richard Blamsby: All in a day’s work for a doctor of English.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: That was heroic! Let me buy you a drink.

Richard Blamsby: The punch is free though.

Dr. Joshua Killjoy: Then I’ll pay you for it Doctor.

Curtains close on everyone cheering for Dr. Richard Blamsby
The end yo