A Play for My Lovies

THE SUBWAY CAPER

by BENJAMIN DITMARS

CHARACTERS

MUHAMMAD SMITH: An alien who looks astonishingly human besides the fact he’s green.

BETH RICHARDS: Irate employee.

SETTING

A Subway sandwich shop.

            [BETH RICHARDS is throwing meat into containers]

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Offstage]

Searching planet… animal tissue, plant matter, wood, glass, metals, electricity... dominant life forms…. Preparing to land.

            [Door opens]

BETH

[Insincere]

Hi welcome to Subway.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

And a hello to you, my name is Muhammad Smith, taken from Earth’s most two populous names in attempt to lull you into false sublimity and secure invasion.

BETH

[Rolling eyes]

What kind of sub?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

On my home planet it is rude to interrupt!  You are lucky to still be alive.  BUT, as I was saying… I have come to colonize your puny race!

            [Pause.]

BETH

What kind of bread?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

All human beings shall tremble underneath the weight of our atomic guns!

BETH

[Getting him white]

American, provolone or pepperjack?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

The bombing will commence in just two more minutes!

BETH

[Getting him American]

Would you like that toasted?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Pointing ray gun]

No, I would like you toasted!  With the rest of your kind!

BETH

[Moving on]

The works with that?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Putting ray gun on BETH’s temple]

Surrender your resources or be destroyed!

            [BETH starts giving him the works]

Not exactly what I had in mind… but looks good.

BETH

For here or to go?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

The invasion is still here!  Don’t think you’ve won me over with your fresh produce!

BETH

[Going to check out]

Do you have a Subway rewards card?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Thinking]

No.

BETH

Do you want one?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Yes, surrender it!

BETH

[Giving him the card]

Do you want to make that a meal?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

I suppose....

BETH

[Abruptly]

Your total is $7.35.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Fumbling in wallet]

Stupid earth money…

            [Hands BETH some bills]

BETH

[Holding up currency]

I’m sorry sir, we don’t accept Reichsmarks.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

What?  Why?  One earth currency is surely as good as another!

BETH

This is the United States of America.  We use the dollar.

            [MUHAMMAD SMITH fumbles in wallet again]

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Handing BETH more bills]

How about these?

BETH

[With a glance]

These are Canadian dollars.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

My readout displayed Canada as North America.

BETH

It is America but not the United States of America.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Fumbling in wallet]

Picky, picky…

            [Hands BETH severely old looking bills]

BETH

I have no idea what these are.  Why do they say Confederate States of America?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

I gave what you asked for… dollars from American states united!

BETH

[Remembering hard]

The Confederate States of America were a different government that broke away.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Okay, one last try.

            [Gives BETH a card from his wallet]

BETH

A WW2 ration card!?  Where do you get these things!?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

It is from the current government is it not?

BETH

Yes…

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Then it’s good!

            [Pause.]

BETH

[Handing him his bag]

I guess.

            [Puts own money in register]

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Thank you!  I have now colonized your planet and extracted its resources!  My work here is done.  Care to come with me by chance?

BETH

Uh, no.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

I’d make it worth your while.

BETH

How so?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

You would have the honor of reproducing with me.

BETH

You call that an honor?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Of course, on my planet you’d be considered a queen!

BETH

You worship underemployed food service employees back home?

MUHAMMAD SMITH

Indeed.  It is one of the resources I’m searching for.

BETH

I’ll get my coat.

MUHAMMAD SMITH

[Bowing]

First, my queen – your crown!

            [Presents her a cardboard Burger King crown]

BETH

I can feel the royalty already.

End of play