Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Cola Wars

Some say Coke fired the first shot.  Others say Pepsi.  Regardless, it began the long and arduous struggle known to the victors as World War Zero, named respectively for Coke Zero.  Some interpreters will still cling to the usage World War One, named for Pepsi One and not that other thing in 1914.  They are few and far between.

It is hard to make sense of the carnage that ensued.  Casualties are still undetermined.  The last struggle on the peaks of Mountain Dew alone weighed in at over ten thousand ounces in blood.  The two companies insist on measuring blood spilled in ounces even as the world community at large pleads that they convert to milliliters.

Pepsi from the outset was faced with a severe shortage of resources.  They invaded Boeing and almost succeeded at stealing their aluminum.  Several valuable airplanes were left Swiss-cheesed in the process.  Coke, aligned with Lockheed managed to repel the invasion.

Allies looked as scarce as resources to the taste of the next generation.  Coke had already acquired Dow Chemicals, Intel and Wells Fargo on their side.

Pepsi was forced to catch up.  They therefore aligned themselves with Aunt Jemima in hopes their sugar would prove useful.  Quality production Pepsi assumed would help them beat the Coca Cola hegemony.  They were very wrong.

Dow dropped chemical dirty bombs from B-2s day and night on Pepsi headquarters resulting in horrific genetic deformities.  Intel viciously disabled computer systems, isolating Pepsi from the outside world.  Wells Fargo froze all assets available bringing them into financial ruin.

As the Coca-Cola trucks closed in a blockade began. Unconditional surrender was called for.  The employees of Pepsi had no reply.  They kept on producing as Coke hammered away at their defenses.  Live Wire was strung up but easily plowed through.  Sierra Mist came to nothing with the use of night vision goggles.

Faced with total annihilation the CEO of Pepsi decided to lay down his arms, which were both blown off in an explosion mere minutes before.  Thus ended the most costly struggle in beverage corporation history.

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