Monday, May 23, 2011

The Ron Paul Experiment

Ron Paul was taken from his home one night.  A team of psychologists shot him with a tranquilizer as if he were a rhino and proceeded to tie him up.  After sleep deprivation and forty-eight hours of water boarding the experiment was ready to begin.  Paul, being a strict libertarian believes there is no role for government in capitalist society.  Prostitution, drugs, etc. should therefore be legal and the thousands of painstaking years spent perfecting human culture should be done away with in favor of individual liberty.  Thus, to test his theory once and for all the wise scientists dropped Mr. Paul into the middle of the Amazon rainforest.  This is an account of what transpired.

At first it seemed as if Ron Paul was at home.  He had no government to restrain him whatsoever.  Naturally, he took advantage of the situation by humping small animals.  But he quickly grew weary as they did not reciprocate his affection.  His next order of business was in of itself business.  Paul started a for profit, free market hospital from sticks and leaves he collected.  The rates, however, were far too high.  They wanted 500 acorns for one checkup!  Thus Paul built an insurance company out of more sticks and leaves.  But they too desired an exorbitant amount of acorns, this time per month.  And, after Ron’s visit to the doctor, who was a gorilla, the rates skyrocketed even higher!  It seemed there weren’t enough acorns in the entire forest, no less the empty spot in a trunk he kept his savings.  At any measure, Paul was forced to drop coverage. The next occasion something went wrong Ron simply walked into the emergency room, located underneath a low hanging branch.  The parrotmedics, were forced to take him in and his condition cost more than it would have if treated earlier.  Thankfully, however the expenses were passed to the other creatures of the forest, paying their bills.

At long last cured, Ron realized he needed shelter.  The only problem was the sticks remaining were of poor quality.  He needed to purchase more.  And he needed a contractor.  His previous works, the hospital and insurance company had already been knocked over by a slight breeze.  How would Mr. Paul afford to buy all he needed?  The lemurs in charge of mortgages refused to provide loans with affordable interest.  If only he set up an agency provided by the Amazon’s inhabitants to drive the price down.  “I’ve got it” he said “I’ll call it Eddie Mac.”  Paul thus acquired his mortgage and attained shelter with no government help whatsoever.  But, now with property he needed means to protect it from lions and others.  His stash of acorns was insufficient for the necessary purchases.  Paul, seeing this turned to the Amazon’s critters again who chipped in enough to provide proper fortifications.  But a new problem arose.  Who would run this security as well as Eddie Mac?  Specialized workers were needed: that required salary.  Once again the collective hat, that was actually an enormous banana leaf, was passed around.

A day came, however when Ron Paul was tired of collecting food and working for his luxuries – including but not limited to the payment of acorns to landlord Johnny Bullfrog.  How would Paul survive without working?  He had no family in the Amazon.  Would he simply drop dead?  He hadn’t minded so much when the owls got old and did, but this was him.  By the time specialized workers were collecting taxes.  Ron motioned for them to simply extract more since he was now making less.  It worked beautifully.  After a month, the experiment was over and Paul removed from the Amazon rainforest.  He then promptly returned to Congress and voted to end food stamps and Medicare.

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