Sunday, August 22, 2010

Gnome 11

Gnome Company
Gnome Company; Always on the run
Destiny is the garden's rising sun
Oh Hafrank was born with a flower in his hand
Behind a root he'll make my final stand
That's why they call it gnome company
And you can't deny
Gnome company
Till the day we die
Till the day we die

Announcer: This episode of Gnome Company is brought to you by the new Rockstar energy drink flavor Hate; it’s poison, 100% pure poison… with trace amounts of high fructose corn syrup.

Krista is sitting on the couch writing a sign

Hafrank:  Hey mummy, whatcha doing?

Krista:  I’m getting ready for the big mosque protest at Ground Zero.

Hafrank:  You mean the one that stands against everything the constitution states explicitly?

Krista:  That’s the one!

Hafrank:  Are you sure you want to do this?  The other gnomes will laugh at me.

Krista:  They can laugh at freedom all they want; that won’t stop it!

Hafrank:  But you’re protesting against freedom!  Freedom of religion!

Krista:  Hafrank, silly liberal Hafrank; the founding fathers meant freedom of Christian religion.  They just didn’t have enough ink to go into it.  Socialists stole it to desecrate flags.

Hafrank:  Nick, we need you… Krista’s being conservative again.

Nick runs in the living room with duct tape and rope

Nick:  Grab her!

Krista gets tied to a chair

Hafrank:  Now, let’s begin the intervention.

Krista:  Never!  Glen Beck is the second coming of Christ!  Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reily are his apostles!

Hafrank smacks Krista with his hat

Hafrank:  Now, let’s start small.  What is the first amendment?

Krista:  Freedom to hate Muslims!

Hafrank smacks Krista with his hat

Hafrank:  Freedom of religion, speech, the press, assembly and petition.

Krista:  Exactly; the freedom to use speech, assembly and press to make everyone else follow my religion.

Hafrank smacks Krista with his hat

Hafrank:  This is getting exhausting… I might have to start strangling her with my belt buckle.

Nick:  I’ll take over.  She has a metastasized anti-Semitism or something, I swear.

Krista:  The heebs better stay away too!

Nick:  KRISTA!

Krista:  I’s just sayin’ whats America’s bin thinkin.’

Hafrank:  Not in my garden.

Krista starts chewing at her ropes

Nick:  Hey, stop that!

Krista:  I’ll do what I want!

Krista hops in her chair toward a boom box; Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen starts playing.

Nick:  Muslims are born in the USA too!

Krista:  No mosque, no way!

Nick and Hafrank start chasing Krista around the room as she hops in her chair with the boom box.

Hafrank:  Krista, stop, you’re only prolonging your intervention!

Krista:  No mosque, no way!

Nick:  That isn’t even grammatically correct!

Krista:  Grammar’s for queers!

Hafrank grabs hold of her chair leg but doesn’t manage to slow down Krista

Hafrank:  Krista… this is… really bumpy.  Please… stop.

Krista:  I’m hopping my way to Ground Zero.  The people behind the mosque project are the same people who took down the twin towers!

Hafrank:  Where… do you… get… such… tripe… you Stalinist twit.

Krista:  Hey now, no need to bring sexism into this.

Hafrank:  I said twit, not-

Announcer:  Looks like it’s time for a commercial break!

Sarah Palin:  Hello I’m women’s role model and super smart gal Sarah Palin.  Are you tired of mosques in your community?  Then you’ll love my Sarah Palin brand torches; they burn everything from non-Christian religious centers to parts of the original constitution!  Find them at any Wal-Mart in your vicinity!  A portion of the proceeds may go to my fund to help eliminate wildlife.

Announcer:  I’m pretty sure that commercial was worse than anything Hafrank was about to say… And I’m being told I’m fired again.  Back to the show twats.

Krista is at Ground Zero with the other protestors and Hafrank clinging to her chair leg

Krista:  We must all storm the construction site!  There is no other way!  We must not desecrate this ground!

Hafrank:  But we’ll fall into a hole and get run over by bulldozers if we do that!

Krista:  We must not fear liberty!  In the words of Patrick Starfish: give me liberty or give them death!

Hafrank:  That was Patrick Henry.

Krista:  Your elitist east coast banter won’t intimidate us!  In the words of Ham from Toy Story: A mosque divided cannot stand!

Hafrank:  I think you meant Abraham… Lincoln.

Krista:  One ham is good as another!  Charge!

Hafrank:  Some have those gross chewy spots…

All the protestors fall into a hole and get run over by bulldozers.

Hafrank:  What did I tell them?

Krista:  My torso divided cannot… breathe.  Ugh.

John Travolta:  Cannonball!

Hafrank:  Johnny, nooo!

John Travolta jumps in the hole; gets run over by another bulldozer

Hafrank:  Who the hell’s driving these things?!

Barack Obama:  You’re welcome.

Hafrank:  O, ‘Bama!
Ah, missed a good G-Co.


You've found your way inside my head and now there's no way out!