up comes the home improvement store Lowes.
Cars swerve, cuz he’s chasin’ afta ho’s.
When He goes by,
He paints sunshine on every rafter,
Sprinkles the air with laughter,
Krista tells him to clean that sh*t up.
There is no one like Hafrank.
I'll introduce him, to you, but it's no use,
he’ll try to bite your limb,
Cause my Hafrank’s in love with me
Hafrank: Wow that was some hibernation!
Nick: Yaaawn. I know, it’s like we’ve been asleep for three months.
Krista: I must have a record for hitting the snooze button.
Hafrank: It’s perfectly normal for gnomes to sleep for generations at a time. My uncle went to bed when Lincoln was president, and woke up sometime during Roosevelt.
Krista: Must have been dreadful for him.
Hafrank: Oh, my bark, yes. He saw an airplane… thought the Confederates grew wings.
Nick: We forgot to tell them to hold our mail.
Krista: We’re typed in!
Krista: Like snowed, but you know, with words.
Hafrank: There’s only one solution!
Hafrank: I have to become governor of Arizona.
Nick: But that doesn’t make sense.
Hafrank: Sure it does. We can show them our papers now.
Krista: Oh, honestly!
Announcer: We’ll be right back. I had such a good job at Geico too, until they fired me. Should have never called the Tea Party people and asked if they had retards working there.
Hafrank: Hello, I’m Hafrank and you might know me from Gnome Company, or my one gnome shows on Broadway. Either way, don’t drink and drive. The safety of gnomes employed as traffic cones depends on it.
Announcer: I’m back retards! Oh shit, am I fired again? Looks like it’s back to Geico! If they took back the Gecko after his sex tape, they’re bound to do the same for me!
Hafrank, Nick and Krista drive into Arizona
Nick: These roads are fabulous, not one pothole!
Nick: I wonder how they pave them so perfectly!
Krista: Nick, they’re filling them with Mexicans.
Hafrank: The chubby one was more like a speed bump.
Krista: One more comment like that and I’ll… I’ll shave your beard!
Hafrank: You wouldn’t!
Krista: Try me. And Nick, don’t you dare say ‘that’s what she said.’
Nick: Damn, you preempted me.
Krista: This place is such a God forsaken hell hole! They passed two horrible laws in a week: one to have concealed carry without even a license, one to imprison anyone who looks reasonably suspicious for being an illegal immigrant but really… brown.
Nick: They also wanted to pass a law making Obama have to prove his citizenship for the next election, because they think he’s some sort of Kenyan commie.
Krista: Some of them think he’s from France now.
Nick: He did say that brief phrase in French at a summit. Might be something there.
Krista: Don’t tell me you’re a birther!
Hafrank: I am too. The gnome constitution says you have to be a gnome to be president. And I don’t think he’s a gnome. He never wears his hat.
Nick: Oh crap, another Mexican.
Krista: Let’s just get to the State House and talk to the governor!
They speed toward the Capital in Phoenix
Hafrank: Governor, you’ve got to stop this law! I’m too short to carry giant papers!
Jan Brewer: We can’t appear soft on people enjoying civil liberties. Plus, one rich rancher was killed and as you very well know, one rich white guy equals five billion regular guys.
Nick: But isn’t this an extreme solution to federal inaction?
Jan Brewer: Of course, it’s extreme. But it keeps jobs people don’t want, in the hands that don’t want them. And if we have to destroy everything the constitution stands for, to get that right we don’t need, then so be it!
Krista: What if the federal immigration authorities just don’t accept the people you plan on throwing in the gulag?
Jan Brewer: How do you know about our gulag!?
Hafrank: Is it true I can be imprisoned for six months if I forget my ID?
Jan Brewer: Little gnome, don’t make me not like you. People I don’t like are reasonably suspicious.
Hafrank: I’m sorry Jan, but I’m going to have to unleash the nerve gas I keep in my hat to kill you. Yes, everyone, that’s why our hats are so tall!
Nick: Quick, Krista, breathe into this sock I urinated on!
Krista: He handed me gas masks.
Nick: No, thanks, it’s already on my nose. Kind of musky.
Hafrank: She’s dead!
Nick: Who should be governor?
Wizard of Oz: You tin Nick by virtue of your heart, and you Krista with your amazing intellect and you Hafrank… the law says you gotta go!
Krista: Oh, Wiz!
Hafrank: Oh, Krista!
Wizard of Oz: No, but seriously Hafrank, get white or get out. This is Arizona, the Auschwitz State.
Shakira: Whenever, wherever!
Wizard of Oz: You too Shakira. And if you could, stop singing too.
Shakira: Never, H likes me!
Hafrank: Yeah, Wiz, go eff b yourself.
Wizard of Oz: What's that?
Hafrank: Masturbate to yourself on Facebook.
Wizard of Oz: Oh, like that! I do that all the time. If only I had wifi in my hot air balloon...
Krista: Oh, Wiz, you nasty!
Wizard of Oz: Mhm, my head's not the only thing I enlarge on that smokey projector.
Krista: You should look in that little gift bag of yours and find some a sense of decency!
Wizard of Oz: I wouldn't be a politician if I did that.