Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Gnome Company
He blinks,
up comes the home improvement store Lowes.
Cars swerve, cuz he’s chasin’ afta ho’s.
When He goes by,
He paints sunshine on every rafter,
Sprinkles the air with laughter,
Krista tells him to clean that sh*t up.
There is no one like Hafrank.
I'll introduce him, to you, but it's no use,
he’ll try to bite your limb,
Cause my Hafrank’s in love with me

Krista: Terrorists don’t deserve rights, screw the trial and hang ‘em!

Hafrank: But that is a perversion of everything our constitution stands for!

Krista: Hang ‘em!

Hafrank: But it makes us just as bad as the terrorists!

Krista: Hang ‘em!

Hafrank: You’re not making sense!

Krista: Hang ‘em!

Hafrank: Nick, make her stop!

Nick: What are you going to do with all the wet clothes I set out?

Krista: Hang ‘em! I mean-

Nick: Too late. I’ll be watching TV till you’re done.

Hafrank: Thanks, Nick. What’s her problem?

Nick: She fell asleep watching Hannity and now it’s subconsciously lodged in her head.

Hafrank: That sounds serious.

Nick: Nah, it’s cool. How the Tea Party movement started.

John Travolta: You guys, she’s writing No Liberty for Iraqis on all the shirts.

Nick: Why Iraqis?

John Travolta: To the crazy bigot mind, everything remotely Middle Eastern is exactly the same thing.

Hafrank: We’re going to need a commercial break to clear this up; can you help us out announcer?

Announcer: Sure, but it’ll cost you… that’s right, all the tic-tacs.

Hafrank: What about a Chicklet I found lodged under my bark?

Announcer: It’ll have to do, I haven’t eaten since the last episode.

Bob McDonnell: Hello, I’m Bob McDonnell and America needs common sense solutions to healthcare. Something every American understands. Like ‘put down the fork fatty’ or maybe watching the new season of House M.D. Let’s just face it that any real solution to the problem is going to be beyond the average Joe Six Pack; unless it takes the form of some sort of reality show. Healthcare Idol, Dancing with the Stars… of Grey’s Anatomy, maybe? So You Think You Can Pay Insurance Premiums and Not Be Dropped for a Pre-existing Condition? That’s really all we got.

Announcer: And we’re back… until I get more rancid Chicklets.

Nick: Is she still defacing shirts?

Hafrank: No, now she’s moved on to chuddies.

Nick: What are those?

Hafrank: They’re like underwear.

Nick: Oh, no, how will I strip!

Hafrank: Just find a Republican venue.

Nick: Do you know one?

Hafrank: There’s the Fiscal Cumservative on 5th and the GOP on 8th.

Nick: The GOP doesn’t sound so dirty.

Hafrank: It stands for Grand Old Pooty.

Nick: And just how do you know about these places gnome!?

Hafrank: Every establishment desires a scenic garden gnome. Makes things homey.

Nick: Do they tip well?

Hafrank: If you say you’re a bank, they’ll give you $700 billion. Just don’t say you’re an underprivileged child in need of food or an education.

Krista: Don’t be stealin’ my crowd at the Fiscal Cumservative!

Hafrank: No gnome should have to hear both their owners go out stripping.

Krista: Hey, someone has to pay the bills around here!

Hafrank: But Blogger’s free.

Krista: Oh, yeah. But the terrorists shouldn’t be! Justice is blind you know, and Americans are brail. Alpacas aren’t.

Hafrank: I won’t even ask what group that slur is against.

Krista: Good, ‘cause I don’t know either.

Johnny: I think I know, it’s-

Hafrank: Oh, Johnny!

Johnny: No, seriously, it’s-

Hafrank: I SAID, ‘OH, JOHNNY!’

Nick: Oh, Hafrank!

Krista: Oh, Mister Ed!

Mister Ed: Wilburrr!


  1. Hahaha

    nice touch Ben-io!

    "To the crazy bigot mind, everything remotely Middle Eastern is exactly the same thing."

    Actually to the bigot mind, anything east of the East Coast is the Middle East, na? ;-)

  2. I've been craving a Gnome Company in like forever!

    Thank YOU! Benster. You're the best.

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