THE BUS STOP
CHARACTERS
AGENT, CONSPIRACY THEORIST
SETTING
A neighborhood bus stop
(A conspiracy
theorist with an aluminum foil hat sits next to an agent in a black suit.)
AGENT:
This can’t be good.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: It couldn’t be better.
AGENT:
I’ll take your word for it.
(Uncomfortable
pause.)
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Are there aliens?
AGENT:
Of course not.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: But there’s all this evidence!
You can’t deny the evidence.
AGENT:
Listen, I work for the government. I
can’t make a call to across town without someone releasing it online.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: I’ve seen UFOs, man.
AGENT:
You have?
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Well, my best buddy’s friend did.
AGENT:
Let me guess. He got drunk and saw a
bunch of lights in the sky?
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: How’d you know?
AGENT:
We get requests under the Freedom of Information act to see “video from that
strange thing in the sky” all the time. It’s
usually a helicopter or a gun they were shooting into the air.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Come on, man. Just tell me
where you’re hiding the UFOs.
AGENT:
Okay, you’ve got the best of me. We’re
hiding the alien spacecraft directly up your ass.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: (attempting to look at his butt.)
I knew the feds put something up there.
AGENT:
You’ve got to be smarter than that.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Smarter than what?
AGENT:
Exactly.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Can you at least tell me why you killed Kennedy and faked 9/11?
AGENT:
Me? I was only five when they killed
Kennedy.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Aha! You said they.
So it was an inside job! And so
were the twin towers. My blog is going
to be so popular.
AGENT:
So, it’s all about blogging?
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: I like to be important.
AGENT:
Maybe you should volunteer at the soup kitchen or read to kids.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: That would make me important?
AGENT:
Well, it only makes the world a better place.
No big deal.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Yeah, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
AGENT:
You know, I think you are better off blogging about UFOs on the internet.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Duh. Now, tell me something I
can use.
AGENT:
Okay, I’ll tell you a huge secret. 9/11
was an inside job planned by Obama and George W. Bush. They wanted an excuse to invade Iraq for oil contracts
and kryptonite to kill Superman.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Superman doesn’t exist.
AGENT:
Not anymore.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: You just blew my mind.
AGENT:
But I shouldn’t have. The military
wouldn’t sit on alien technology when they could sell it or win a war with it.
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: I never said alien technology.
AGENT:
Blast! Where’s my memory wiper?
(He gets out a
metal pen and flashes a bright light).
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: Gee wilikers! My memories!
(The Agent looks
around confused.)
Luckily,
my foil hat reflected the rays. I recall
everything and now I will be the most awesome blogger since Arianna Huffington.
AGENT:
That’s a strange name. Is she with the
band?
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: No, but she told me I could have that pen you’re holding.
AGENT:
Oh, this thing? I thought it was a
coffee stirrer.
(He hands him
the memory wiper.)
CONSPIRACY
THEORIST: (Standing up.) Now I have
the power!!
(The conspiracy
theorist runs away laughing and leaves the agent alone.)
AGENT:
What a bizarre man. I hope he enjoys his
coffee.
