Showing posts with label plays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plays. Show all posts

Saturday, February 01, 2014

The Bus Stop

THE BUS STOP 

CHARACTERS 

AGENT, CONSPIRACY THEORIST 

 SETTING 
A neighborhood bus stop


(A conspiracy theorist with an aluminum foil hat sits next to an agent in a black suit.)

AGENT: This can’t be good.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: It couldn’t be better.

AGENT: I’ll take your word for it.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Are there aliens?

AGENT: Of course not.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: But there’s all this evidence!  You can’t deny the evidence.

AGENT: Listen, I work for the government.  I can’t make a call to across town without someone releasing it online.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I’ve seen UFOs, man.

AGENT: You have?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Well, my best buddy’s friend did.

AGENT: Let me guess.  He got drunk and saw a bunch of lights in the sky?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: How’d you know?

AGENT: We get requests under the Freedom of Information act to see “video from that strange thing in the sky” all the time.  It’s usually a helicopter or a gun they were shooting into the air.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Come on, man.  Just tell me where you’re hiding the UFOs.

AGENT: Okay, you’ve got the best of me.  We’re hiding the alien spacecraft directly up your ass.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (attempting to look at his butt.) I knew the feds put something up there.

AGENT: You’ve got to be smarter than that.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Smarter than what?

AGENT: Exactly.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Can you at least tell me why you killed Kennedy and faked 9/11?

AGENT: Me?  I was only five when they killed Kennedy.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Aha!  You said they.  So it was an inside job!  And so were the twin towers.  My blog is going to be so popular.

AGENT: So, it’s all about blogging?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I like to be important.

AGENT: Maybe you should volunteer at the soup kitchen or read to kids.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: That would make me important?

AGENT: Well, it only makes the world a better place.  No big deal.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Yeah, but that doesn’t do anything for me.

AGENT: You know, I think you are better off blogging about UFOs on the internet.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Duh.  Now, tell me something I can use.

AGENT: Okay, I’ll tell you a huge secret.  9/11 was an inside job planned by Obama and George W. Bush.  They wanted an excuse to invade Iraq for oil contracts and kryptonite to kill Superman.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Superman doesn’t exist.

AGENT: Not anymore.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: You just blew my mind.

AGENT: But I shouldn’t have.  The military wouldn’t sit on alien technology when they could sell it or win a war with it.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I never said alien technology.

AGENT: Blast!  Where’s my memory wiper?

(He gets out a metal pen and flashes a bright light).

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Gee wilikers!  My memories!

(The Agent looks around confused.)

Luckily, my foil hat reflected the rays.  I recall everything and now I will be the most awesome blogger since Arianna Huffington.

AGENT: That’s a strange name.  Is she with the band?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: No, but she told me I could have that pen you’re holding.

AGENT: Oh, this thing?  I thought it was a coffee stirrer.

(He hands him the memory wiper.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (Standing up.) Now I have the power!!

(The conspiracy theorist runs away laughing and leaves the agent alone.)

AGENT: What a bizarre man.  I hope he enjoys his coffee.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Witch and the Virgin

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT

Cast:
WITCH
VIRGIN

Setting: a dusty room with shelves and a cauldron.

WITCH: A virgin lights the candle!  I am reborn!

VIRGIN: I am NOT a virgin.

WITCH: Well, the enchantment said virgin and I’m here… so who do you think is right?

VIRGIN: I’m just saying the standards for virginity are different than they were in your day.

WITCH: That sounds like something a virgin would say; even in my time.

VIRGIN: Trust me, if you eat my flesh, you’ll be feasting on a very dirty boy… I’ve done things.

WITCH: Really?  What things?

VIRGINS: Sex things. (Pause.) I’ve touched boobs and junk.

WITCH: You heathen!  My sister got pregnant from boob touching and junk.

VIRGIN: Really?

WITCH: Of course not, you imbecile.  Now sit still while I prepare a soup to devour you.

(She goes to a nearby shelf and starts looking through her ingredients.)

VIRGIN: It’s going to taste horrible.  I have a lot of VD.

WITCH: You are speaking to the bride of Satan, the queen of the vilest VD!

VIRGIN: But mine are worse than yours.  You’ll get probed with a Q-tip in your witch snatch and no one will love you.  The gym teacher said so.

WITCH: I have bathed in fire and orgied with demons on a thousand knives.  Love is nothing.

VIRGIN: Golly, I mean goddamn.

WITCH: Such a virgin.  (She puts her ingredients in the cauldron and it bubbles.) It’s time to jump inside, my little one.

VIRGIN: Not until you have sex with me.

WITCH: What?

VIRGIN: You can’t eat me until I eat you.

WITCH: My unholy snatch will curse your member.  It will bleed fire -

VIRGIN: Blah, blah, blah… now get your cloak off and get nasty on the spell books with me.

(They began kissing and undressing each other.)

WITCH: Not the broomstick.

VIRGIN: It’s only half as long as mine. 

WITCH: My cauldron is bubbling!

VIRGIN: It better be.  I’ve got all natural ingredients for it.  My eye of newt is going in your toe of frog tonight.

WITCH: (panting.) You really aren’t a virgin.

VIRGIN: I told you so.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

When in Eden

Cast:
Young Girl
Judge
Bailiff


Setting: a courtroom in Eden, Mississippi.

YOUNG GIRL:  Your honor, he attacked me.

JUDGE: Boys will be boys and bitches be trippin’.

(The courtroom laughs heartily.)

YOUNG GIRL: But-

JUDGE: (interrupting) It’s clear you were asking for it with your overall straps down.

Young Girl: It was a hot day in July, sir.

JUDGE: That’s no excuse to strip down to your skivvies and leave your legs wide open, now is it?

YOUNG GIRL: Your honor, I didn’t do that at all.

JUDGE: I know what you think happened.  But young women seldom can control their  baser urges.  You run along now and keep decent.

BAILIFF: The courtroom is adjourned.

(The young girl is left stunned as her assailant leaves the courtroom a free man.)

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Lawrence v. Texas


A play weaving elements of the Scopes trial, Inherit the Wind and Lawrence v. Texas.


Hays--The defense desires to call Mr. Rosenthal as a witness, and, of course, the only question here is whether Mr. Lawrence had unlawful relations with a member of the same gender. We think there are other questions involved, and we should want to take Mr. Rosenthal's testimony for the purpose of our record, even if your honor thinks it is not admissible in general, so we wish to call him now.

The Court--Do you think you have a right to his testimony or evidence like you did these others?

McKenzie--I don't think it is necessary to call him, calling a lawyer who represents a client.

The Court--If you ask him about any confidential matter, I will protect him, of course.

Smith--On religious matters, Rosenthal can speak for himself.

Rosenthal--If your honor please, I insist that Mr. Smith can be put on the stand, and Mr. Malone and Mr. Hays.

The Court--Call anybody you desire. Ask them any questions you wish.

Rosenthal--Then, we will call all three of them.

Smith--Not at once?

Rosenthal--Where do you want me to sit?

The Court--Mr. Rosenthal, you are not objecting to going on the stand?

Rosenthal--Not at all.

The Court--Do you want Mr. Rosenthal sworn?

Smith--No.

Rosenthal--I can make affirmation; I can say "So help me God, I will tell the truth."

Smith--No, I take it you will tell the truth, Mr. Rosenthal.

Examination of Charles Rosenthal by Paul Smith, of counsel for the defense:

Q--You have given considerable study to the Bible, haven't you, Rosenthal?

A--Yes, sir, I have tried to.

Q--Then you have made a general study of Leviticus?

A--Yes, I have; I have studied but, of course, I have studied it more as I have become older than when I was younger.

Q--You claim that everything in it should be literally interpreted?

A--I believe everything in the Bible should be accepted as it is given there: some of the Bible is given illustratively. For instance: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." I would not insist that man was prohibited from sharing a bed out of necessity, only in regards to sinful and ungodly acts.

Q--But when you read that soul of shall not eat blood, nor shall any stranger amongst you, do you consider those ordering rare steak felons?

A—That is a dietary restriction.  One may wash himself after and be clean. I believe in a God who lets men repent. They must take imitative, however.

Q--Now, you say, you believe in redemption. Yet you believe that the man was made to act a certain way?

A--I am not prepared to say that; we are capable of choice.

Q--You don't know whether man was ordinary or made for a purpose?

A--You may guess.

Q--You are not prepared to say whether man was made to love a man or not?

A--The Bible doesn't say, so I am not prepared to say.

Q--But do you believe He made them--that He made such a man?

A--Yes, sir. Let me add: He made all of us, but we have free will and must decide our path in life. It is simply harder for others.

Q--Harder?

A--It is harder to follow God’s will for Lawrence and his unnatural lover.

Q--So, it’s perfectly easy to believe that God hates the very people he made?

A--If the Bible said so; the Bible doesn't make as extreme statements as progressives do....

Q--The Bible says in Romans 1 that men and women giving themselves over to shameful acts with the same sex are depraved much in the manner of murderers, slanderers and the like. Do you believe this?

A--I do.

Q--Do you believe that those who pass judgment on someone else condemn themself because those who pass judgment do the same things?

A--Yes, I believe the entirety of the gospel.

Q--Do you believe that the men writing said gospel believed upstanding, God fearing citizens could engage in such “immoral” behavior?

A--I don't know what they thought.

Q--You don't know?

A--I think they wrote the fact without expressing their own thoughts.

Q--Have you an opinion as to whether or not the men who wrote that thought-

Q--I read that years ago. Can you answer my question directly?  By passing judgement on those  who are homosexual aren’t you not confessing your own sins?

A--Well, I should say so.

Q-- Now, Mr. Rosenthal, have you ever pondered your commitment to the opposite sex?

A--No.

Q--You have not?

A-- No; the God I believe in took care of that, Mr. Smith.

Q-- I see. Have you ever pondered what would happen if he didn’t?

A-- No.
 
Q--Do you think God would strike me down?
 
A--You testify to that when you get on the stand, I will give you a chance.

Q--Don't you believe it?

A--That is not His business. He will attend to it someday but not now.

Q--You have never investigated that subject?

A--I don't think I have ever had the question asked.

Q--Or ever thought of it?

A--I have been too busy on things that I thought were of more importance than that.

Q--You believe the story of the Sodom and Gomorrah to be a literal interpretation?
 
A--Yes, sir.
 
Q--Why was it destroyed?
 
A--I would not attempt to find one reason.
 
Q--Was it a punishment for homosexuality?
 
A--That has been the estimate accepted today. I would not say it is entirely accurate
 
Q--That estimate is printed in the Bible?
 
A--Everybody knows, at least, I think most of the people know, that was the estimate given. and whereas think it was egregious, there was more going on
 
Q--But what do you think that the Bible, itself says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?
 
A--It was connected to rape, murder and the like.
 
Q--From what?
 
A--I could not say.
 
Q--From Leviticus?
 
A--I would not want to say that.
 
Q--What do you think?
 
A--I do not think about things I don't think about.
 
Q--Do you think about things you do think about?
 
A--Well, sometimes.
 
(Laughter in the courtyard.)
 
Policeman--Let us have order....
 
Stewart--Your honor, he is perfectly able to take care of this, but we are attaining no evidence. This is not competent evidence.
 
Witness--These gentlemen have not had much chance--they did not come here to try this case. They came here to try revealed religion. I am here to defend it and they can ask me any question they please.
 
The Court--All right.
 
(Applause from the court yard.)
 
Smith--Great applause from the bleachers.
 
Witness--From those whom you call "Yokels."
 
Smith--I have never called them yokels.
 
Witness--That is the ignorance of Texas, the bigotry.
 
Smith--You mean who are applauding you? (Applause.)
 
Witness--Those are the people whom you insult.
 
Smith--You insult every man of compassion and learning in the world because he does believe in your extreme agenda.
 
The Court--I will not stand for that.
 
Smith--For what he is doing?
 
The Court--I am talking to both of you....
 
Q--Wait until you get to me. Do you know anything about how many people there were in Mesopotamia 3,000 years ago, or how many people there were in China 5,000 years ago?
 
A--No.
 
Q--Have you ever tried to find out?
 
A--No, sir. You are the first man I ever heard of who has been in interested in it. (Laughter.)
 
Q--Mr. Rosenthal, am I the first man you ever heard of who has been interested in the orientation of human societies and primitive man?
 
A--You are the first man I ever heard speak of such things at those different periods.
 
Q--Where have you lived all your life?
 
A--Not near you. (Laughter and applause.)
 
Q--Nor near anybody of learning?
 
A--Oh, don't assume you know it all.
 
Q--Do you know there are thousands of books in our libraries on all those subjects I have been asking you about?
 
A--I couldn't say, but I will take your word for it....
 
Q--Have you any idea when Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed?
 
A--No.
 
Q--The Book you have introduced in evidence tells you, doesn't it?
 
A--I don't think it does, Mr. Smith.
 
Q--Let's see whether it does; is this the one?
 
A--That is the one, I think.
 
Q--It says B.C. 1953?
 
A--Yes, sir....
 
Q--According to historical records that was before the Mesopotamian and Egyptian records.
 
A--Oh, no; I think it is much more recent than that.
 
Q--How much?
 
A--I couldn't say.
 
Q--Do you say whether the Bible itself says it is older than that?
 
A--I don't think it is older or not.
 
Q--Why would God destroy cities before and not after for acts of homosexuality?
 
A--The bible is not the record of all people.
 
Q--Doesn't it say so?
 
A--No, sir....
 
The Court--Are you about through, Mr. Smith?
 
Smith--I want to ask a few more questions about Sodom and Gomorrah.
 
The Court--I know. We are going to adjourn when Mr. Rosenthal comes off the stand for the day. Be very brief, Mr. Smith. Of course, I believe I will make myself clearer. Of course, it is incompetent testimony before the jury. The only reason I am allowing this to go in at all is that they may have it in the appellate court as showing what the affidavit would be.
 
Rosenthal--The reason I am answering is not for the benefit of the superior court. It is to keep these gentlemen from saying I was afraid to meet them and let them question me, and I want the Christian world to know that any atheist, agnostic, or queer can question me anytime as to my belief and I will answer him.
 
Smith--I want to take an exception to this conduct of this witness. He may be very popular down here in the hills....
 
Rosenthal--Your honor, they have not asked a question legally and the only reason they have asked any question is for the purpose, as the question about Sodom and Gomorrah was asked, for a chance to give this agnostic an opportunity to criticize a believer in the world of God; and I answered the question in order to shut his mouth so that he cannot go out and tell his atheistic friends that I would not answer his questions.
 
Malone--Your honor on this very subject, I would like to say that I would have asked Mr.  Rosenthal--and I consider myself as good a Christian as he is--every question that Mr. Smith has asked him for the purpose of bring out whether or not there is to be taken in this court a literal interpretation of the Bible, or whether, obviously, as these questions indicate, if a general and literal construction cannot be put upon the parts of the Bible which have been covered by Mr. Smith's questions. I hope for the last time no further attempt will be made by counsel on the other side of the case, or Mr. Rosenthal, to say the defense is concerned at all with Mr. Smith's particular religious views or lack of religious views. We are here as lawyers with the same right to our views. I have the same right to mine as a Christian as Mr. Rosenthal has to his, and we do not intend to have this case charged by Mr. Smith's agnosticism or Mr. Rosenthal's brand of Christianity. (A great applause.)
 
Q--Mr. Rosenthal, do you believe that the first woman was Eve?
 
A--Yes.
 
Q--Did you ever discover where Cain got his wife?
 
A--No, sir; I leave the atheists to find her.
 
Q--You have never found out?
 
A--I have never tried to find
 
Q--You have never tried to find?
 
A--No.
 
Q--The Bible says he got one, doesn't it? Weren’t there only the children of Adam and Eve?
 
A--I cannot say.
 
Q--You cannot say. Did that ever enter your consideration?
 
A--Never bothered me.
 
Q--There were no others recorded, but Cain got a wife. Perhaps he married his sister.
 
A--That is not what the Bible says.
 
Q--Where she came from you do not know. All right. But you’re willing to overlook incest?
 
A-- I do not think that is what the Bible necessarily means.
 
Q--You do not?
 
A--No.
 
Q--What do you consider it to be?
 
A--I have not attempted to explain it. If you will take the second Genesis--let me have the book. (Examining Bible.) Verse seventeen of chapter four says: "And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived and bare Enoch.”  It says nothing of incest.
 
Q--But, if it were, you would be willing to embrace scripture?
 
A--I do not think it necessarily does.
 
Q--What do you think?
 
A--I do not think it does. You are reading it too literally.
 
Q--And you aren’t?
 
A--It is not the same as an issue at hand.
 
Q--What do you think about it?
 
A--That is my opinion--I do not know that my opinion is better on that subject than those who think it does.
 
Q--You do not think that?
 
Rosenthal--Your Honor, I think I can shorten this testimony. The only purpose Mr. Smith has is to slur at the Bible and all that is natural, but I will answer his question. I will answer it all at once, and I have no objection in the world, I want the world to know that this man, who does not believe in a God, is trying to use a court in Washington D.C.--
 
Smith--I object to that.
 
Rosenthal--(Continuing) to slur and destroy the Christian foundations this nation was built on and while it will require time, I am willing to take it.
 
Smith--I object to your statement. I am exempting you on your ideas that no reasonable American believes.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Cat & Rosa


Characters

CAT, ROSA

Setting
A small apartment in Berlin


(ROSA reclines on the sofa while CAT paces nervously.)

ROSA:  Think how much Germany could save if we simply got rid of all the undesirables.

CAT:  Isn’t that becoming a fine line, Rosa?

ROSA: Not at all.  There is a clear distinction between the worthless and those of value.

CAT: And what, pray tell, is that distinction?

ROSA: The worthless are clearly those living off the government’s dime.

CAT: People get injured, Rosa.  It is a fact of life.

ROSA:  Oh, but the true Germans would pay for it themselves.

CAT: What if true Germans could not afford to?  It is an age of inflation.

ROSA: They would die with honor.  That is true dedication to the Fatherland.

CAT: I think we differ on the notion of what is true.

ROSA: But we should not.  Truth is a construct.  We must resist the communist and Jewish influence, or have it become us.

CAT: Are communists and Jews really the worse alternative?

ROSA: Bite your tongue.

CAT: You would seek to murder or expel citizens simply out of monetary gain. There is more to life than money.

ROSA: There is not, when our enemies surround us.  Germany must devote her resources to the tanks and guns.

CAT: We’re becoming our own enemy, Rosa. Can’t you see?

ROSA: I see cowardice and it would do you well to talk a little less. (CAT starts packing her suitcase.) Where are you going?

CAT: I’m leaving this country, before more think like you.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

A Play for my Indies

Amazon Private Investigators

Setting:
Amazon Headquarters
[Detectives DARIAN and O’REILY sit across a desk from each other.
The walls are covered with photographs of various suspects and leads.]
DARIAN: I don’t get it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: What’s that, Darian?
DARIAN: Why don’t these writers give up?
O’REILY: Beats me. I say we got ‘em cornered.
DARIAN: That’s true.  Pretty soon they won’t have any reviews.
O’REILY: Did you track down any leads?
DARIAN: As a matter-of-fact, someone clicked like on a book near the author’s IP address.
O’REILY: That’s going down.
DARIAN: These indies make me sick.
O’REILY: Why’s that?
DARIAN: I don’t know. They just do! Drop it.
O’REILY: There’s got to be more to this.
DARIAN: I said drop it, O’Reily.
O’REILY: [Typing on computer.] Fine, I will. 
[Pause.] I think I have something.
DARIAN: It better be good.
O’REILY: Of course, it is.  This indie had a cousin review her novel.  I bet the scumbag never thought we’d catch on.
DARIAN: I’m starting to think this is more than a job to you, O’Reily.  It seems personal.
O’REILY: Okay, I’ll tell you but it doesn’t leave this room.
DARIAN: Scout’s honor.
O’REILY: When I was a teenager, I dreamed of being the lead singer in a famous band.
DARIAN: Didn’t everybody?
O’REILY: It was different for me, Darian.  I was with a band, a really good one.  We could’ve made it too.
DARIAN: You’re fooling yourself, O’Reily.  We all thought we could.
[O’REILY continues as if he didn’t hear DARIAN.]
O’REILY: We were performing this big gig at the local concert hall.  There was a producer in the audience.  I was psyched.
DARIAN: [Now interested.] What happened?
O’REILY: He didn’t like our sound.  Seeing him walk out on was the worst feeling.  I never got over it.
DARIAN: But you kept playing, right?
O’REILY: No, I gave it up.
DARIAN: Is that why you hate indie authors so much?
O’REILY: What do you mean?
DARIAN: O’Reily, it’s obvious.  You hate indie authors because you hate yourself.  They’re going after a dream you never could.
O’REILY: That’s music, Darian.  It’s totally different.
DARIAN: Is it?
O’REILY: I guess not so much.
DARIAN: Let’s get back to work.
O’REILY: You go ahead.  I’ll be back in a few.
[DARIAN types on the computer for ten seconds or so before he hears someone playing guitar outside the office.]
DARIAN: I’ll be goddamned.

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Short Play from a Dream I Had...

THE DREAM DOOR

CHARACTERS

KAT
MAURY

SETTING
A room with a bed and adjacent closet.

[KAT sits on the bed as MAURY paces nervously]


MAURY: Kat, I have something to tell you.

KAT: I suppose it's another affair.

MAURY: No, not this time. That was only a phase.

KAT: Yes, where marriage counseling failed, sex therapy picked up to save the day!

MAURY: Kat, please, just listen! I had an experience. [Kat rolls eyes] Do you see the closet over there?

KAT: I'm not blind.

MAURY: I walked inside it.

KAT: With who? Let me guess, another stripper?

MAURY: You don't understand. I walked inside it and... I disappeared!

KAT: Well, where did you go? Pleasure Town?

MAURY: Kat, believe me that it wasn't an affair. I ended appearing in some jazz lounge. Everyone wanted to hear me play saxophone!

KAT: You must have hit your head or tripped. You don't even play saxophone!

Maury: That's the other thing, I've always wanted to!

KAT: What is it you're trying to say?

MAURY: This closet of ours must lead to a different realm or dimension showing us our greatest desires. You've got to try it.

KAT: Maury, I'm not mental. I really don't care who else you've slept with this time or even how young they were. So, you can stop playing games.

MAURY: I'm not playing games, for Christ sake. Just get in the closet. You'll see.

KAT: All right, but if there's nothing in there I'm going to stay with my mother for a while. Maybe forever.

MAURY: I wouldn't expect any less.

[KAT opens up the closet door and looks inside]

KAT: Oh, I see Prince Charming and a pumpkin carriage!

MAURY: Just walk inside.

[She walks inside]

What do you see?

[He walks slowly toward the door]

Kat?

[She falls into his arms]

KAT: I saw the stars out over earth. I was flying if you call it that in space.

MAURY: Anything else?

KAT: Yes. We were together. But not like now.

MAURY: How then?

KAT: You never cheated. Everything was whole.

MAURY: Throw that in my face.

KAT: I wouldn't have to if you hadn't done it!

MAURY: Kat, you know I was ill.

KAT: Bullshit. You weren't addicted to sex. So why did you do it?

[Pause]

MAURY: I was in bed one night. You thought I'd gone to sleep and I overheard you on the phone. You were telling Cindy how much you regreted your life with me; how I held you back.

KAT: You weren't supp-

MAURY: Supposed to hear? I wish I hadn't.

KAT: I'm sorry, Maury. I really am. There's just so much I wanted to be.

MAURY: Like what?

KAT: Oh, it's all so silly now. I wanted to be an astronaut.

MAURY: And I want to be a jazz musician.

[KAT, MAURY look at the door]

KAT: Maybe...

MAURY: We still can...

[Both grasp hands and walk through it].

END OF PLAY

Thursday, August 04, 2011

New York Times Interview with Jasper Johnson

TRANSCRIPT
Jasper Johnson’s Interview from the Middle of an Old, Barren Cornfield
Published: April 17, 2026
Top of Form
Bottom of Form

Jasper Johnson spoke in a 20-minute interview from the remains of what was once Chicago, eventually a cornfield, and most recently a burned barren wasteland. This is an edited transcript, as recorded by The New York Times.

Q. Jasper, how did you originally come to owning this large swath of land that just two decades ago encompassed a major metropolitan area?

A. Well, my daddy got it cheap; real cheap after the recessions.  You can’t turn down a bargain, right?  But my daddy, he was no statesman, governor or anything like that.  He knew farmin.  And that’s what he fixed to do.

Q. But how did he reconcile the fact that millions of people lived in a city that was by no means a farming economy?

A. He wasn’t no tyrant, if that’s what you’re sayin.

Q. Wikipedia, the sole source of reliable encyclopedic knowledge for the past ten years, states John Johnson kicked thousands out from their homes for refusal to farm.  Not only this he shut down the financial sector, most businesses and the historical theatres Chicago had grown famous for.

A. Daddy didn’t want people gettin no other ideas.  He knew deep down people wanted to farm, and he jus sought to bring that out in ‘em.  So, he had to break a few balls; most great leaders do and so did my dad.

Q. Moving past an obvious attempt at economic coercion, what was the final straw that caused the mass exodus of 2015?

A. Well, daddy succeeded in making Chicago the best farm in the Midwest.  But, people weren’t happy.  They got used to fancy livin and didn’t like the wages we paid them for the fieldwork.  So we had some damage control to take care of.

Q. This damage control was well noted in the news reports of the time.  You hired thugs to weed out dissenters and ran the former city as a dictatorship?

A. Hey now, Ms. Progressive, where did all your good ole reforms get us?  Nowhere!  The economy crashed.  We stuck to the free market like you all should’ve in the first place.

Q: A report from September 25, 2014 cited you turning the combines on farmers to instill fear.  Do you call this free?

A: Hell yeah, it’s our property after all!

Q: Did the actions of a suppressed people not surprise you in the least then?

A: I thought it was a bit ungrateful to burn the corn, after all the jobs we gave ‘em.

Q: And yet you tried to make them stay?  How do you justify that?

A: They owed daddy and me money for one.  Those good for nuthin’ workers didn’t pay rent.  Why wouldn’t we try and get a little something back?

Q: If you justify your methods, thusly, then surely you can’t justify the firing of weapons inevitably killing so many?

A: I did what it took to keep order for daddy and me.

Q: Do you mean order or do you mean profits?

A: Same thing.  There ain’t no order when the rich suffer.  Sheep need herded, after all.

Q: Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

A: Tons.  I would’ve tried to get another state to help stop the exodus, maybe put down some more sedition and what not.

Q: Where do you think the former Chicagoans are right now?

A: Probably suffering under some socialist dictator.

Q: How do you see yourself as different from said dictator?

A: I’m a born and bred capitalist.  I make money for myself and not no government.

Q: Quality of life and other things don’t play into your equation?

A: Them people were doing just fine.  They had their independence from the state and earned a livin.  What every true American should want.

Q: Do you not reconcile that with the fact there’s no one left to govern?

A: I think they’ll see the downsides of Socialism in time and come crawling back to Jasper and John Johnson.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Because You're Worth It!

YOUR CORPORATE PROMOTIONAL PLAY


CHARACTERS

JACK
REGINA
TED
JOANNE
NED

SETTING
An office with cubicles.



            [JACK is typing on the computer before suddenly realizing the audience]

JACK
Oh, hi there!  My name is Jack.  It’s the year 2024 and the world is finally rid of government!  Let’s take a look!
            [Starts walking between cubicles]
Without pesky regulation the market was finally allowed to flourish.  It takes care of all of us, like a big ole daddy!  Here comes the boss now; that entrepreneur, that master of industry!

            [BOSS gives JACK a noogie and slaps the rear of REGINA, a female.employee]

BOSS
[To Regina]
I’ll see you in my office or
            [Points and winks]
You’re fired.

            [REGINA weeps openly]

JACK
Isn’t that right, Regina?  A big ole daddy?

            [She nods through sobbing]

Don’t feel bad for Regina.  She’s got a job, after all.

REGINA
I wish I were dead.

JACK
That’s a poor attitude.  At least you can afford to eat.

REGINA
I ate half a slice of bread for dinner last night.  My landlord’s evicting me because I don’t look attractive enough.

JACK
Hey, now, it’s his property.  You don’t have to live there.  Let’s move on! 
            [Starts walking]
Bathroom breaks were terrible for productivity into the twentieth and twenty-first century.  Now… there aren’t any!
            [He approaches another employee, TED, who is squirming as if needing to pee]
Isn’t that right, Ted?

TED
[Jittery]
Yes.  Can I go yet?

JACK
How many breaks have you taken today?

TED
One… at lunch.

JACK
See now, you did it on your own time.  Keep it up!

TED
I only got two minutes for lunch and that’s because the manager had fallen asleep.

JACK
Work hard and maybe you can sleep too!  The possibilities are endless in our corporate paradise!

TED
I guess…

JACK
[Patting Ted’s back]
Good man.
            [Walks away]
A lot of people were worried about healthcare a decade or so ago.  The problem, I’m proud to say, was finally solved: by incinerating the sick!
            [Approaches a sickly looking JOANNE]
How’s that jaundice, Joanne?

JOANNE
[Through gritted teeth]
What jaundice?

JACK
Oh, that Joanne!  I’ll give her another week before corporate turns the flames back on.  Let’s go and see the break room.
            [Takes another corner]
I bet you thought I was serious for a second.  There are no break rooms.  There are torture chambers, though.  Corporal punishment is returning in a big, big way.  Isn’t that right, Ned?  Don’t be shy!

NED
Hi.

JACK
Why so shaky, Ned?
.
NED
I was just lashed for forty minutes straight.

JACK
And I bet you learned your lesson, didn’t you?

NED
Yes, no more yawns that sound like sighs.

JACK
That’s right.  Isn’t he a trooper?

            [A siren sounds]

That must mean another revolution!  I’m going to go die valiantly for my corporate leaders now.  Thank you for watching this promotional play.  Remember, together, we can and will keep the market free!

            [BOSS, TED, JOANNE, NED and JACK all give meek thumbs up]


END OF PLAY