The Bus Stop

THE BUS STOP 

CHARACTERS 

AGENT, CONSPIRACY THEORIST 

 SETTING 

A neighborhood bus stop

(A conspiracy theorist with an aluminum foil hat sits next to an agent in a black suit.)

AGENT: This can’t be good.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: It couldn’t be better.

AGENT: I’ll take your word for it.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Are there aliens?

AGENT: Of course not.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: But there’s all this evidence!  You can’t deny the evidence.

AGENT: Listen, I work for the government.  I can’t make a call to across town without someone releasing it online.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I’ve seen UFOs, man.

AGENT: You have?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Well, my best buddy’s friend did.

AGENT: Let me guess.  He got drunk and saw a bunch of lights in the sky?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: How’d you know?

AGENT: We get requests under the Freedom of Information act to see “video from that strange thing in the sky” all the time.  It’s usually a helicopter or a gun they were shooting into the air.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Come on, man.  Just tell me where you’re hiding the UFOs.

AGENT: Okay, you’ve got the best of me.  We’re hiding the alien spacecraft directly up your ass.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (attempting to look at his butt.) I knew the feds put something up there.

AGENT: You’ve got to be smarter than that.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Smarter than what?

AGENT: Exactly.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Can you at least tell me why you killed Kennedy and faked 9/11?

AGENT: Me?  I was only five when they killed Kennedy.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Aha!  You said they.  So it was an inside job!  And so were the twin towers.  My blog is going to be so popular.

AGENT: So, it’s all about blogging?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I like to be important.

AGENT: Maybe you should volunteer at the soup kitchen or read to kids.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: That would make me important?

AGENT: Well, it only makes the world a better place.  No big deal.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Yeah, but that doesn’t do anything for me.

AGENT: You know, I think you are better off blogging about UFOs on the internet.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Duh.  Now, tell me something I can use.

AGENT: Okay, I’ll tell you a huge secret.  9/11 was an inside job planned by Obama and George W. Bush.  They wanted an excuse to invade Iraq for oil contracts and kryptonite to kill Superman.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Superman doesn’t exist.

AGENT: Not anymore.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: You just blew my mind.

AGENT: But I shouldn’t have.  The military wouldn’t sit on alien technology when they could sell it or win a war with it.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I never said alien technology.

AGENT: Blast!  Where’s my memory wiper?

(He gets out a metal pen and flashes a bright light).

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Gee wilikers!  My memories!

(The Agent looks around confused.)

Luckily, my foil hat reflected the rays.  I recall everything and now I will be the most awesome blogger since Arianna Huffington.

AGENT: That’s a strange name.  Is she with the band?

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: No, but she told me I could have that pen you’re holding.

AGENT: Oh, this thing?  I thought it was a coffee stirrer.

(He hands him the memory wiper.)

CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (Standing up.) Now I have the power!!

(The conspiracy theorist runs away laughing and leaves the agent alone.)

AGENT: What a bizarre man.  I hope he enjoys his coffee.