THE REDNECK AND THE ALIENS
by BENJAMIN DITMARS
CHARACTERS
BEEZ 106,981,454: An honest, law abiding Alien from planet Beez. Selfless, always putting others’ welfare first. Sports large eyes and antennae in the stereotypical fashion.
BEEZ 106,890,355: A rebel of sorts; smart ass college student. Sports large eyes and antennae in the stereotypical fashion.
HANK JOE DAVIS: Drunk and confused. Hank is a good ole boy, suspicious of most everything different from himself. He has a white tank top and a mullet.
SETTING
A fishin’ hole somewhere in the woods. A man, Hank, is humming country songs to his self and drinking heavily.
[HANK, fishing, sees a light shine behind him]
HANK
Hey ya dab nattin’ hooligans, turn that truck ‘round befo’ I git mah gun!
[The lights dim]
Thas mo’ like it!
[Lights return]
I’s warned ya, I’ll git mah gun!
[HE grabs a gun and a bottle of alcohol, heading toward the source of the light]
‘N now, I’m gonna shoot ya so dead ya –
[HE passes out]
[Two aliens, BEEZ 106,981,454 and BEEZ 106,890,355 emerge]
BEEZ 106,981,454
Why have you brought harm to the human? This mission is purely academic!
BEEZ 106,890,355
Relax, 454, I have no weapons. The male human has simply over consumed a mind altering substance called rum.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Still, I best report it.
BEEZ 106,890,355
The hell you will! This is our research project and they don’t need involved!
BEEZ 106,981,454
We must be very careful 890, 355.
BEEZ 106,890,355
You’re using my formal numerical designation now? You really are too full of yourself.
BEEZ 106,981,454
If we make one misstep we could be putting the entire universe in danger!
BEEZ 106,890,355
I’ve heard that load a million times. You expect me to believe it?
BEEZ 106,981,454
I do. If humans got a hold of just one ship they could reverse engineer and conquer entire galaxies. There would be no stopping them.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Their weapons aren’t that good, 454.
BEEZ 106,981,454
They aren’t? I remind you, when every other galactic federation was working toward prosperity and perfecting their societies humans were killing each other. They’ve killed and killed for millions of years. And they are experts. They needn’t weapons to be dangerous.
BEEZ 106,890,355
So, you’re saying that that’s…
[Points at snoring figure of HANK]
The most dangerous creature in the universe?
BEEZ 106,981,454
You may underestimate the ape descendant, but yes.
BEEZ 106,890,355
[Moving toward HANK]
I think I might try a little probing. You in?
BEEZ 106,981,454
I’ve long since outgrown old fraternity pranks.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Then why are we here?
BEEZ 106,981,454
We are gathering information for our database. It is important for posterity that we document these creatures and their habitats before what is certainly an inevitable extinction.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Can’t we have a little more fun than that?
BEEZ 106,981,454
[Sighing]
Why did you come on this mission, 355? You have no interest in anthropology or Science in general.
BEEZ 106,890,355
I needed the credits.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Well, next time just stay at home and I’ll say you tagged along!
BEEZ 106,890,355
Really?
BEEZ 106,981,454
If it keeps you away from a project of universal importance then yes!
[HANK wakes up swinging]
BEEZ 106,890,355
Should I restrain it?
BEEZ 106,981,454
No, we can’t risk it harming you. Stay back!
HANK
What in tarnation are you callin’ an it?
BEEZ 106,890,355
It spoke!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Of course it did! Didn’t you hear it before?
BEEZ 106,890,355
No, I just heard you say I was causing it harm. When you think it’s more likely to hurt me anyway!
HANK
I say’d stop callin’ me it, dag nabbit!
BEEZ 106,981,454
All right, human. What is your preferred title?
HANK
They call me Hank down at the bar.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Okay, Hank Down At The Bar, what is your position on this planet?
HANK
Posat what?
BEEZ 106,890,355
Can you translate what he’s saying for me, 454?
HANK
I talk English dag it!
[BEEZ 106,981,454 gestures confusion]
BEEZ 106,981,454
We are inhabitants of a distant planet known as Beez.
HANK
What’d ya sneeze?
BEEZ 106,890,355
I think you might have overestimated Hank.
HANK
Hey, I knows whats ya are! You’s them funny lookers from the picture box!
BEEZ 106,890,355
Picture box?
BEEZ 106,981,454
It means television. It’s an audio-video display of scheduled programming.
HANK
Are ya two thingers invadin’ earth?
BEEZ 106,981,454
Of course not, aliens don’t invade. That’s a human notion.
HANK
Then git your ass off mah planet! Ya done scurred the fish ‘way!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Patience, earthling.
HANK
I’ll git mah gun!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Try.
[HANK pulls the trigger; nothing happens]
We invented a force field for this expedition. Normally, amongst other galactic entities we’d have nothing to fear. But, this is of course with humans requires special circumstances.
HANK
What ya space hooligans wantin’ wit me?
BEEZ 106,981,454
We simply require answers.
HANK
Ya have any Jack?
BEEZ 106,981,454
Who is Jack?
BEEZ 106,890,355
[Looking at something like a high-tech cell phone]
Searching Earth’s Google, Jack might possibly allude to a 1996 film with actor Robin Williams, a chain of restaurants called Jack in the Box, or a whiskey from the Tennessee region.
HANK
The last!
BEEZ 106,981,454
I’m sorry we don’t have any.
HANK
[Crossing arms defiantly]
No Jack, no answas!
BEEZ 106,890,355
I’ll tell you what Hank. Help us out and we’ll take you in our ship to get you some.
[HANK smiles]
BEEZ 106,981,454
You might be useful yet, 355.
BEEZ 106,890,355
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Now, Hank, enlighten us. What is your job?
HANK
Well, I’s unemployed right nah. I used to make fries at the McDonald’s.
BEEZ 106,981,454
I see, and does this unemployment bother you?
HANK
Course it does! Would anybody!
BEEZ 106,981,454
I must ask for our records: what do you see as the value of the current system known as Capitalism?
HANK
It’s Amer’can.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Could you elaborate?
HANK
Freedom! We don’t need no Gov’ment tellin’ us what to do and what not!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Forgive me, Hank but I don’t see the current system benefiting men such as you.
HANK
Meanin’ what?
BEEZ 106,981,454
You’re fishing, possibly even living, by the lake and you have no larger role to fill in society.
HANK
Well, it could benfit me, I’s jus’ unlucky.
BEEZ 106,981,454
I find your own and others complacency intriguing. Don’t you have a desire for more than this, a socioeconomic system that actually works?
HANK
Course, that’s why I plays the lottery ticket ev’ry week.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Ease up 454, I think you’re going a bit fast for him.
BEEZ 106,981,454
I’m doing no such thing. Do you notice Hank the lack of actual government that plays out in your existence and the abundance of comparative corporate control?
HANK
Hey nah, don’t go all commie bitch! Amer’ca’s the best country on face of the Earth! Thas a fact! If you don’ like it you can go back to Arabia!
BEEZ 106,981,454
I also have questions on that topic. Why do humans insist on living in factions? Couldn’t you accomplish more as a single unit?
HANK
With the A-rabs? I don’t think so!
BEEZ 106,981,454
What is it you find unappealing about these A-rabs?
HANK
[Counting on fingers]
Well they hate freedom fo’ one. They wear turbans fo’ two!
BEEZ 106,981,454
How do they hate freedom?
HANK
They’s done bombed us on 9/11! I sees it on the picture box and all dem memorials!
BEEZ 106,981,454
But it wasn’t all Arabs. It was a small group that happened to be from that region.
HANK
They all think like! One mind, those Muslim towel heads!
BEEZ 106,981,454
So all Americans think alike as well?
HANK
Course not, we gots freedom.
BEEZ 106,981,454
It seems you use this idea of freedom to back up your own intolerance and dismiss higher reasoning.
BEEZ 106,890,355
I think we’ve digressed from the mission by now.
BEEZ 106,981,454
355, you can go back on the ship anytime!
BEEZ 106,890,355
No thanks, this is too good. Mr. Professional has finally lost his nerve.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Perhaps I have. Now, Hank, if I told you all humans were over 99.9% genetically identical what would you say to that?
HANK
I’d say it’s those same scientists that done faked global warming! I ain’t no Mexican!
BEEZ 106,981,454
But besides skin color, how are you really different?
HANK
Genetics, like you says. I’m 99.9% superior.
BEEZ 106,981,454
That’s not what I said.
HANK
Then what are ya tryin’ to say?
BEEZ 106,981,454
That you, all humans, are equal and you shouldn’t treat each other with such hate and abuse!
HANK
Survival of the fittest! The market does us good ‘n don’ deny it! If you’re lazy, good fo’ nuttin’ you fall behind. And good riddance!
BEEZ 106,981,454
Hasn’t it left you behind?
HANK
I… well, not… damn.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Congratulations, you’ve outwitted the witless!
BEEZ 106,981,454
[Ignoring BEEZ 106,890,355]
On planet Beez, in fact the whole universe, we don’t have these distinctions. We work together and make sure every citizen is treated fairly… with respect.
HANK
That sure soun’ nice. How ‘bout ya take me wit ya?
BEEZ 106,981,454
What!?
HANK
Yeah, I thinks you right. It’d be nice to git away, have mahself a new life without all the struggles.
BEEZ 106,981,454
I’ll tell you what. We’ll do just that.
HANK
Can I still have my Jack?
BEEZ 106,981,454
I don’t see why not.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Weren’t you just saying how all humans are dangerous?
BEEZ 106,981,454
I think this one’s learned his lesson. Besides, I can’t go thinking all humans are bad on the actions of a few no more than Hank can blame an entire group of people for 9/11.
BEEZ 106,890,355
Ah, of the two of us, you’d think I’d be the one learning a valuable life lesson.
BEEZ 106,981,454
Well, the smartest often have the most to learn.
HANK
Are we gittin’ mah Jack or what!?
BEEZ 106,981,454
The smartest, and Hank that is.
[Laughter]
END OF PLAY
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