Prospective Human

The location is heaven; a prospective soul is researching which existence to choose on earth.

TREE

Prospective soul: Hello, I understand you just got through with being a tree.

Tree: I did, indeed.  It was picturesque, serene. The wind swept through my leaves and I was beautiful.

Prospective soul: Were there any downsides?

Tree: You know, there weren’t, until the humans cut me down.

Prospective soul: They did what?

Tree: They chopped me the fuck down, can you believe it? There I was photosynthesizing and WHAM, I was lumberjacked.

Prospective soul: These humans sound dreadful. I certainly would not want to choose that existence.

Tree: Few do. You know, I heard Hitler was an all right tree, before he became human.

Prospective soul: A tree’s artwork is harder to reject.

Tree: Yes, everyone appreciates the foliage of summer and fall.

Prospective soul: Will you be a tree again?

Tree: Sadly, no. I would appreciate it less if I was not something else for awhile.

Prospective soul: So, what will you be?

Tree: Perhaps some type of Fungi, I haven’t looked through the brochure.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities.  Thanks for your time.

Tree: May your blossoms be numerous.

ELEPHANT:

Prospective soul: Hello, I understand you just got through with being an elephant.

Elephant: I don’t know you well enough to get into that.

Prospective soul: Please, sir, I’m doing research for my next existence.

Elephant: Then be an elephant and see for yourself.

Prospective soul: So you do recommend it?

Elephant: If you’ll shut up for a minute.

A minute passes

Prospective soul: Well?

Elephant: Well, what?

Prospective soul: You said after a minute you’d recommend it.

Elephant: I said no such thing.

Prospective soul: You did!

Elephant: An elephant never forgets.

Prospective soul: Ah ha! You just admitted to being an elephant again.

Elephant: Very well; I’ll tell you it was good for awhile.  I ran with the herd, bathed in the water. But, eventually, some humans shot me for my ivory.

Prospective soul: How awful.

Elephant: You don’t know the meaning of the word.

Prospective soul: I was a camel for a bit; the desert was pretty unforgiving and my hump got sore.

Elephant: Well, at least you lived a full life.

Prospective soul: I can’t say that; my human cut me open to sleep inside when it got cold one night.

Elephant: Where’s PETA when you need ‘em, eh?

Prospective soul: Would you be an elephant again?

Elephant: Perhaps in a time before people, or when they were merely scavengers and gatherers.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities.

Elephant: Who’s stoppin’ ya?

Prospective soul: Thanks for your time.

DODO BIRD

Prospective soul: Hello, I understand you just got through with being a Dodo bird.

Dodo: Ahhhhhhhh! The horror! The absolute horror!

Prospective soul: Would you reco-

Dodo: AHHH!

Prospective soul: Please, Mr. Dodo, I just wanted to ask-

Dodo: PAIN! AGONY!

Prospective soul: Would you consider being a Dodo ag-

Dodo: NO! I’M BEING A SHARK TO EAT HUMANS!

Prospective soul: Well, I heard extinction was your own fault for being so fat and clumsy.

Dodo puts on glasses and starts speaking eloquently

Dodo: Actually, it is quite the contrary. We fattened our self on ripe fruits at the end of the wet season to live through the dry season when food got scarce. When humans first arrived on Mauritius, they brought with them animals that had not existed on the island before, including dogs, pigs, cats, rats, and Crab-eating Macaques, which plundered the dodo nests, while humans destroyed the forests where us birds made our homes.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities. Thanks for your time.

Dodo: If you see a human by the way

Dodo takes off glasses

Dodo: KILL THEM!

Prospective soul: Will do.

ANT

Prospective soul: Hello, I understand you just got through with being an ant.

Ant: Oh, yes. I lived for the queen. She was demure and stately, always laying eggs to further the farm.

Prospective soul: Were there any downsides?

Ant: None that I can recall. Every day I woke up, I felt I was part of something bigger than myself. I guarded our hill some days and others I went out looking for food.

Prospective soul: It sounds like dangerous work.

Ant: Some may think that. But, before the advent of dangerous pesticides eliminating us in vast quantities, things weren’t so bad.  I just came back from such a period.

Prospective soul: So, no major problems with humans?

Ant: Oh, no, they think they’re in charge but there’s far more of us.

Prospective soul: Would you be an ant again?

Ant: Of course; that’s the beauty of being an ant. Every time you come back as an ant you come back in a different occupation. I might try being a worker.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities. Thanks for your time.

Ant: God save the Queen!

VIRUS

Prospective soul: I understand you just got through with being a virus.

Virus: That is true; I would have invaded your immune system by now if I still were.

Prospective soul: So, you were HIV?

Virus: Hey, don’t give me guff on that. Humans have done plenty to other creatures. You might say I’m helping the world in what I did.

Prospective soul: I don’t know, you killed a lot of innocent children.

Virus: You think I don’t lose sleep over that?

Prospective soul: Why not just attack those who deserve it?

Virus: I had no control over that. I read in the brochure I may help decrease humans’ numbers for their own good. But, life throws a lot of curves your way.  I did what I had to survive because I was alive; I didn’t know anything of anything else at the time.

Prospective soul: Would you recommend being a virus?

Virus: Of course not. It was a mistake and I regret every minute of it. Humans are bad but they still didn’t deserve something as bad as me.

Prospective soul: So you wouldn’t be one again?

Virus: No, naturally.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities. Thanks for your time.

Virus: Why don’t you go patronize Bubonic for a while!?

DOG

Prospective soul: Hello, I understand you just got through being man’s best friend.

Dog: Did you say man? What kind of man? Does he have a Frisbee? I’ll totally catch that Frisbee, don’t say I won’t.

Prospective soul: Did you enjoy being a dog?

Dog: Of course I enjoyed being a dog. I loved the park. There were other dogs to sniff. Have you ever sniffed a dog?  It’s great; I could sniff another dog all day.

Prospective soul: So, you’d recommend it?

Dog: It depends on your persona. Some souls aren’t right to be a dog, too serious, too ambitious. I’m just right though. I chased cars, I did it all. Up until they put me down.

Prospective soul: Why did they do that?

Dog: I got excited and I bit a kid. It was an accident really. Didn’t know my own strength.

Prospective soul: You seem friendly enough.

Dog: Well, you can’t hurt anyone here. I might be an antelope in my next life. Or anything that’s not dangerous.

Prospective soul: This has been illuminating but I must move on to exploring other possibilities. Thanks for your time.

Dog: Throw me that tennis ball over there before you go!

HUMAN

Prospective soul: Hello, I have heard much about your prior existence.

Human: Go ahead, take your shot.

Prospective soul: Fair enough; why were you so cruel to trees and dogs and dodo birds?

Human: I guess after the last life, as a tank fish, I wanted to be powerful.

Prospective soul: That doesn’t explain your cruelty.

Human: There is no explaining it. I was devoid of any connection with nature as I was when a beta fish.

Prospective soul: So, you wouldn’t recommend the existence?

Human: Only, for perspective, if you’ve tried everything else.

Prospective soul: The dodo bird told me to murder you.

Human: Well, don’t let me stop you.

Prospective soul cuts off the spirits head

Prospective soul: That was cathartic.

Human’s head: Can you put me back on my body now?

Prospective soul: Of course.

Prospective soul reassembles the human

Human: Thank you. So, have you decided what to be?

Prospective soul: I’m thinking a cactus, to be honest. I’d be stunning with my flowers and far away from humans… no offense.

Human: None taken.

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