My Bad Luck with Fortune Cookies

I'm a glutton for punishment so I went out with my dad for Chinese food.  We got clever though.  This time we switched cookies, hoping to trick fate and give me an encouraging fortune.  It was one step ahead of us.  My dad got ended up with:

No need to worry, you will always have everything that you need.

I bet you're wondering what I got.  Remember that scene in Jumanji when the boy tried cheating and the boardgame made him grow a tail?  Yeah, kind of like that.

Self-respect is the root of discipline.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking.  "I respect Ben, he's so cool."  But don't!  Buddha will come on you like a golden statue.  I don't have self-respect and I will never be Kung-fu Panda.  Also, something about discipline.

Butterfly Poem Inspired by Shreya

I was reading a post on Shreya's blog Carté Blanche about her photography and thought of some lines for a poem.  Thank you for the inspiration, Shreya!  Everyone be sure and check out her blog,

The butterfly will make you wait to spread its wings

Because it knows your time is worth it.

You see it fly away but it keeps watching,

Hoping that you’ll do the same.

That human’s wings could touch the sky!

If only they stopped looking at the ground...

If the World were an Insurance Company...

“Poison control will now transfer you to the drain cleaner department. Please listen to the music while your party is reached.  I’m hooked on a feeling, I’m high on believing!  You used Liquid Plumber, correct?  Transferring you to the Liquid Plumber department.  Please listen to the music while your party is reached. I close my eyes only for a moment and the moment’s gone! Dust in the wind!  Before we give any more advice, we’re transferring you to claims.  Please listen to the music while your party is reached.  Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go, you come and go!  Your claim number is 109998.  Transferring you back to the Liquid Plumber department.  Please listen to the music while your party is reached.  Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.  Remember me to one who lives there, she was once a true love of mine.  Sorry, it turns out your claim did not go through.  Are you still there?  The nerve of these dying people, I swear!”

Parental Info on DirecTV

DirecTV offers info on practically every show for parents. I do mean, just about every show. Not only that but they have family discussion questions for the very worst of them. You know the ones kids should not be near at all, let alone with sane parents? Well, these are a few of the best.

Beavis and Butt-Head

All right, Billy, we're going to watch Beavis and Butt-Head and then we're having an intellectual discussion on its relevance to society. Think really hard on the issues it presents. Did you just laugh when I said hard? God dammit, Billy!

Families can talk about role models. Do you expect to find positive role models in the shows you watch? Which ones exist? What aspects of their behavior impress you? Do you think their characteristics are transferrable to the real world? Teens: Why do you think this show has been remade? Does it offer any positive content for viewers? Is its comedy style similar to any other show you watch? Do you find it funny? Are you familiar with the MTV shows that are highlighted in Beavis and Butt-head? If not, are you more inclined to watch them after seeing the clips here? How does intermingling shows like this serve as advertising? Do you think that factored into the plans for this series?

MANswers
Daddy really likes this show. We're going to figure out why.

Families can talk about what it means to treat other people with respect. Does this show treat its subjects respectfully? Does it matter whether subjects are willingly participating in the issues and events the show covers (dwarf tossing, for example)? What messages does the show send about sex, alcohol, and other hot-button issues? Do you think producers hope teens will watch? Why or why not?

1,000 Ways to Die

Fictitious representations of death aren't teaching you anything. We laugh at real people's problems in this family. Even if they don't always live through it.

Families can talk about the pros and cons of featuring accidents and/or deaths on a reality show. Is it ever OK to treat these events as a source of entertainment? Does it make a difference if the stories are presented within the context of educating viewers? Families can also talk discuss how death and dying are treated in mainstream American culture. Did you know that some cultures incorporate death as a major part of life? How does this show treat its subjects?

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Jessica, with any luck this will be your life someday. Jessica?  JESSICA!? Put down that book on the LSAT!!

Families can talk about the appeal of watching shows about wealthy, elite members of society. Why do you think the Real Housewives franchise is so successful? What kinds of messages do these shows send about people who have money? Do you think people really want to be like them? What would be the hardest part about living like these people? The easiest? Families can also discuss some of the featured on the show. Some of them talk about their troubled pasts. How do you think that impacts the way they live their lives?

Also, on a final note, they had this to say about Spongebob Squarepants:

‎"Parents need to know that this cartoon includes violent, dark satirical humor that will confuse kids who can't separate fantasy and reality."

Yes Spongebob is violent and dark and a mockery of sponges everywhere.  He will corrupt your mind as he washes your dishes.  Beware!

Eve v. God

Eve sued God today in federal court for damages cited under the Americans with Disabilities Act.  “I was a diabetic,” she said in a recent press release.  “I couldn’t just turn down an apple with my blood sugar the way it was.”

The defense counters Eve was not an American citizen at the time of the incident and therefore not entitled to the act’s protection.  Her lawyers responded she was the mother of all American citizens.  The defense paused for thought at having heard this and proceeded to scratch their heads at a loss for words.

“Her and Adam’s eviction,” Eve’s lawyer stated, “was unwarranted, unethical and illegal.  Would God have kicked a paraplegic out of Eden for taking a crutch?”

In further developments, the serpent is getting in on the action.  He also claims himself as a victim; of defamation from God.  He recently was quoted saying he had only prescribed Eve necessary medicine for her continued well-being.  “God has blighted my good name and reputation,” he told reporters.

Could this develop into a class-action?  Analysts are saying it might.  Stayed tuned to Channel 3 news for the latest!

Disorderly Love

This poem is featured in Ben Ditmars' chapbook of poetry, Night Poems. Available on Amazon for Kindle and Print.


Love isn't orderly.

It bleeds; it stains

In memories pinned up

On refrigerator doors.

Drawings and report cards

Stacked with letters, doodads

On an otherwise dull surface.

We sacrifice aesthetics

And our own reflection

In the glossy chrome.

Breadcrumbs

Our bickering left breadcrumbs

That the other couples pecked

But couldn’t share.

Lightning struck a tree

And blocked the road;

I thought of you.

I counted snowflakes as they melted

On the ground in puddles

Like familiar tears.

Headlights only show more cloud in fog;

Truth we’re forced to live with.