The Kindle Voice Guy

And Now an An Erotic Flash Fiction

I had sex with the Kindle voice guy. It was everything I thought it could be. The way his monotone sighs seduced me as he touched my back was unforgettable. His hands moved with the syllabic momentum of his voice, stopping and starting in quick succession. Pressing his up arrow with select aroused him too. I thought of all the books he read to me throughout the past year. I shivered with delight recalling Lewis Carroll and Robert Louis Stevenson. Kindle Voice Guy knew exactly where the g-spot was with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He read the last lines and I lost control, screaming out the names of my favorite authors. “Tolkien, oh, God, yes! Give it to me Kindle! Send your ship to Valinor! Mama needs Dahl’s BFG! Big fucking girth!” The release was tremendous as I cuddled up against his leather case. He pressed all the right buttons and he knew me better than anyone. If only I never had to upgrade…

The Adventures of Prince Preston

Our hero, Preston has just woke up. Deciding he is hungry, he grabs his keys and heads for White Castle, little expecting anything extraordinary to happen.

“What’s going to happen?” he says tiredly.

Nothing to worry over. Now, get in the car. And off, he went!

“But...”

Off... he... went. There’s a good chap. Down McNiven Street, a left at Broad and in he pulls, eager to begin an adventure!

“I don’t know what you think will happen. I’m just getting a slider and heading back to bed.”

Our hero opens the door. He approaches the counter. And what does he order? A slider! God save the queen, he orders a slider!

“This is getting really annoying,” he replies. But I’m not listening.

“Listen, there’s no way I can sleep with your disembodied yapping all night.”

Really now? I bet you aren’t expecting a trap door to open beneath you.

“Of course, I’m-” he begins but does not finish. For he fell through the very trap door I so wisely warned him of.

“Ouch,” Preston exclaims, rubbing his knee. The fall had took a heavy toll on his morale. He begins to question if his life is worth living.

“Oh, come, on. I’m not that bad off,” I hear him lie. Tears sprinkle his young eyes.

“It’s the pain for Christ sake, the pain!”

What’s that? A light shines ahead. Preston supports himself with the wall to move closer. Perhaps they might help him.

“Is anyone there?” he asks. No one replies. The light grows fainter. Preston runs after it, his heart pounding faster than his feet.

“Stop!” he yells. It stops, miraculously. Oh, the power of our hero! I marvel at it.

“Shh,” whispers Preston. “I need some quiet.”

But, why? I need to tell the audience what lies ahead. There could be a mighty dragon or a clever mouse on the piano!

“Okay, okay, just say it quietly.”

Preston inches forward, I narrate in the softest of tones. He turns the corner, entering an antechamber. A warm light envelops him. Could it be? Yes, it could! A clever mouse is playing the piano!

“But, why?” asks Preston.

It’s your adventure, young lad. I can’t go telling them everything.

He rolls his eyes at me, which he thinks is somewhere above him, and begins approaching the mouse who has kept playing the whole while.

“Hello, Mr. Mouse,” he stutters. “Might I ask why you’re down here in a tunnel beneath the White Castle?”

“The White Castle?” the mouse exclaims as he stops playing. “That is but one turret of the White Castle!”

“There’s more?” our hero inquires.

“So, much more. The Burger King sleeps deep within our halls, frozen by the Dairy Queen. Her and Lord McDonald have slowed his mind with special sauce and you alone may save him! What say you?”

A pause. The tension builds.

“I don’t know what the narrator’s trying to say, but sure. Sounds like a trip.”

The mouse steps off his stool. He bows before our hero presenting an offering of cheese.

“Long live, Prince Preston!” The mouse exclaims.

How To Tell If Your Child Is a Centaur and What You Can Do About It

1. A sudden interest in a cult, rather than an accepted religion.
2. The inability to sustain a personal love relationship -- drawn more to "group" experiences.
3. A tendency to talk in vague philosophical terms, never to the point.
4. An intense, "far-out" interest in poetry and art.
5. Constant ridiculing of any form of organized government.
6. A righteous attitude, never admitting any personal faults.
7. An increasing absentee record at school.
8. A tendency to date only members of different races and creeds. Namely, horse-people.

"Naturally, some of these signs may be observed in perfectly normal adolescents, but it is when the majority of the traits are present that the child is on the way to becoming a 'centaur,'" Dr. Rosenbaum said.

"There are also the fairly obvious signs like shaggy hair and no clothing. But those alone do not make a 'centaur.' Sometimes it's just a fad."

Dr. Rosenbaum: "There must be a reconstruction of the family unit, with much expression of love. Parents should work and play, though not horse-play, with these young people to show that all the family members care about one another."

"There must be a great deal of dialogue -- sometimes very painful dialogue -- to establish a new position of belief for the young people. They will deny they're hostile until their last whinny."

Source

Parental Info on DirecTV

DirecTV offers info on practically every show for parents. I do mean, just about every show. Not only that but they have family discussion questions for the very worst of them. You know the ones kids should not be near at all, let alone with sane parents? Well, these are a few of the best.

Beavis and Butt-Head

All right, Billy, we're going to watch Beavis and Butt-Head and then we're having an intellectual discussion on its relevance to society. Think really hard on the issues it presents. Did you just laugh when I said hard? God dammit, Billy!

Families can talk about role models. Do you expect to find positive role models in the shows you watch? Which ones exist? What aspects of their behavior impress you? Do you think their characteristics are transferrable to the real world? Teens: Why do you think this show has been remade? Does it offer any positive content for viewers? Is its comedy style similar to any other show you watch? Do you find it funny? Are you familiar with the MTV shows that are highlighted in Beavis and Butt-head? If not, are you more inclined to watch them after seeing the clips here? How does intermingling shows like this serve as advertising? Do you think that factored into the plans for this series?

MANswers
Daddy really likes this show. We're going to figure out why.

Families can talk about what it means to treat other people with respect. Does this show treat its subjects respectfully? Does it matter whether subjects are willingly participating in the issues and events the show covers (dwarf tossing, for example)? What messages does the show send about sex, alcohol, and other hot-button issues? Do you think producers hope teens will watch? Why or why not?

1,000 Ways to Die

Fictitious representations of death aren't teaching you anything. We laugh at real people's problems in this family. Even if they don't always live through it.

Families can talk about the pros and cons of featuring accidents and/or deaths on a reality show. Is it ever OK to treat these events as a source of entertainment? Does it make a difference if the stories are presented within the context of educating viewers? Families can also talk discuss how death and dying are treated in mainstream American culture. Did you know that some cultures incorporate death as a major part of life? How does this show treat its subjects?

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Jessica, with any luck this will be your life someday. Jessica?  JESSICA!? Put down that book on the LSAT!!

Families can talk about the appeal of watching shows about wealthy, elite members of society. Why do you think the Real Housewives franchise is so successful? What kinds of messages do these shows send about people who have money? Do you think people really want to be like them? What would be the hardest part about living like these people? The easiest? Families can also discuss some of the featured on the show. Some of them talk about their troubled pasts. How do you think that impacts the way they live their lives?

Also, on a final note, they had this to say about Spongebob Squarepants:

‎"Parents need to know that this cartoon includes violent, dark satirical humor that will confuse kids who can't separate fantasy and reality."

Yes Spongebob is violent and dark and a mockery of sponges everywhere.  He will corrupt your mind as he washes your dishes.  Beware!

Eve v. God

Eve sued God today in federal court for damages cited under the Americans with Disabilities Act.  “I was a diabetic,” she said in a recent press release.  “I couldn’t just turn down an apple with my blood sugar the way it was.”

The defense counters Eve was not an American citizen at the time of the incident and therefore not entitled to the act’s protection.  Her lawyers responded she was the mother of all American citizens.  The defense paused for thought at having heard this and proceeded to scratch their heads at a loss for words.

“Her and Adam’s eviction,” Eve’s lawyer stated, “was unwarranted, unethical and illegal.  Would God have kicked a paraplegic out of Eden for taking a crutch?”

In further developments, the serpent is getting in on the action.  He also claims himself as a victim; of defamation from God.  He recently was quoted saying he had only prescribed Eve necessary medicine for her continued well-being.  “God has blighted my good name and reputation,” he told reporters.

Could this develop into a class-action?  Analysts are saying it might.  Stayed tuned to Channel 3 news for the latest!

If I Die Young by the Band Perry: Special Extended Edition!

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses,

I hope that it’s my neighbor’s,

And let my dog piss on them,

But also if you have time,
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Preferably by Sara Bareilles

Or you could even play Bottle it Up

Man, that jam was pretty fucking sweet.

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother,

What’s that, fuck him, I didn’t forget my father…
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

‘Cause daddy’s not invited.

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

To die in a rumble ala West Side Story.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses,

Make my neighbor watch then
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Maybe Elton John if you can’t find some Bareilles.

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

To stab that Shark, Bernardo.

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, You
Could say I’m Green Lantern only just a little deader
But it sure felt nice when Ryan Reynold’s held my hand in three dimensions
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
Hate, you killed him with your hate, not with bullets, or with guns. Well now I can kill, too, because now I have hate!

So put on your vest Jets and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after Rif’s a goner
And maybe then you'll hear Maria’s been singin'
Funny when Tony’s dead how people start listenin…

Fox News Weather Report (With Implications Italicized)

MINNEAPOLIS -- A winter storm that blew through the upper Midwest over the Presidents Day job killingly long weekend coated roads with socialist ice and snow and led airlines to cancel hundreds of flights.

Residents of Michigan, Minnesota and Wisconsin who didn't get the Monday holiday off faced what was expected to be a commute worse than Obamacare. Officials were urging people to stay off the roads if possible, rather than risk driving on icy roads or through wind-driven snow that is surely a metaphor for where progressivism had led this country.

Early Monday, the National Weather Service, as opposed better state-run weather services, said up to 10 inches of snow had fallen on parts of southern Michigan since the storm began Sunday afternoon. A winter storm warning remained in effect in southwest Michigan, with forecasters predicting up to 3 inches more of snow and warning that high winds could cause blowing snow and drifts.  Also causing drifts, NOT global warming.

In Madison, Wis., where tens of thousands of protesters but really, terrorists have rallied outside the Capitol for nearly a week to protest Gov. Scott Walker's great-American proposal to cut public employees' collective bargaining rights, snow, rain and sleet kept many away on Sunday where they likely gay married and worshipped Satan, although protesters, or again terrorists continued to cram into the rotunda.

The weather service said Sunday's storm blanketed much of central Wisconsin with 10 to 12 inches of snow. A further 2 inches of snow with some freezing drizzle was expected in Madison on Monday.  That oughtta freeze those God-forsaken commies back to hell!

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