An Open Letter to Ben Ditmars from Death

Hey, I bet you think I'm losing my touch?  No chance!  I've killed two-hundred kittens in the last hour.  Thank Satan for Red Bull!  I don't give up, I don't take no prisoners!  Okay, okay, if I have something really important to do I might take a few.  You know like when a rerun of Seinfeld happens to be on.  I just love that Kramer guy.  Hey, he wasn't racist then!  He wasn't dammit!  Don't tell me what to like!  The point is, you made me look like a chump Ben.  People are going to start jumping off buildings for fun now, just to mock me.  What!?  They already do?  There's no way that's a sport!  I suppose they leap out of airplanes too for the thrill of it?  Mother-fuckers!  I've obviously got a lot of fear left to strike into the hearts of the human population.  Oh, wait.  Fox News has me covered.  Their viewers fear me ALL the time; from immigrants, leftists and all sorts of dark-skinned people.  Honestly they don't even have to be a race apart from whites; they just need to spend an hour at a tanning bed and Hannity will devote a show to taking their rights away.  All right, I should wrap this up.  I guess I won't kill you, Ben.  For now.