Samizdat

I recently had my poem Fuck-up accepted in the online journal Samizdat. You should go check it out with the other poems, fiction and such in the journal.  It's a great site. You can also find the link, along with all my publication information under the tab Babycakes.

Speaking of tabs, pages and what not. I've added links to some of my favorite bloggers under In ewiger Liebe. But, there's more! I wrote a little something about each blog. I think that's more fun than merely giving links out.

Once & Was

I was once told I had a bright future

Before they launched me on a rocket toward the sun.

I could once recite the numbers one through ten in perfect Spanish

But now I could not tell you one through four without a song.

I marvel and the once and was; the child and the optimist.

Some change the world with high ideals but most survive.

The Chat

I think this might be my first story told with all dialogue.  I managed most before, but not quite.

*****

“She only fucks the people she hates.”

“Didn’t she fuck you?  Why would she fuck someone she has no interest in?”

“I didn’t say she wasn’t interested.  It’s how she gets back at people.  I think that gives her more pleasure than orgasm.”

“Revenge is a dish best served hot and sweaty.”

“Exactly.”

“Was it like a one-night-stand then?”

“No, we dated for six months.”

“That I can’t understand.  Six months!?  That’s pretty elaborate for revenge on her part.”

“You can do a lot more damage when you’re close to someone.”

“So, she tortured you for six months and you stayed with her?”

“No, she was peaceful for the first four.  It’s how she led me on.  I hadn’t seen it coming.”

“What did she do?”

“She started sleeping around.  She didn’t keep it a secret either.  Well, she did to an extent but she wanted me to find her out.”

“How’d she manage that?”

“I found clothes that weren’t hers; shirts, pants, even underwear.  It wasn’t just lying on my bed, but simple enough to see in the hamper or stuffed in a closet.”

“You must have flipped.”

“You know, I didn’t.  I understood relationships weren’t perfect and held out hope we could still work things out.”

“That was mature of you.”

“To an extent, I guess.  More naïve it turned out.  It wasn’t long before I caught her at it.  I came home after work and she was cock-deep, moaning with some other guy.”

“Fuck.  And this was after four months?  Can’t believe you stayed another two.”

“I can’t either.  But I did.  I really tried to win her over; took her to concerts, restaurants, everything I could think of.”

“Nothing got better?”

“Only worse.  I caught her with more men.  She didn’t even make excuses.”

“Were you two still sleeping together?”

“Unfortunately, yes.  I knew it was dangerous with all the other guys she was with, but just like with the concerts I thought I could satisfy her working harder.”

“That’s terrible.  I really feel for you.  What finally made you break it off?”

“The day I finally realized how absurd it was.  I was online researching vacation packages, thinking we could use a nice getaway to smooth things over when it hit me.  Nothing in the relationship was worth saving and I deserved better.”

“How’d she take that?”

“I never figured out.  I just packed up and left.”

“I bet that hurt her.”

“I bet it didn’t.  She never loved me.  I doubt she can love anyone.”

“So you aren’t coming to the wedding?”

“What wedding?  Don’t tell me someone’s falling for her game again.”

“As a matter-of-fact I am.  And you’re right about everything.  She was in a bad place but she’s better now.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I don’t think you know the realization she had when you left.  It might not seem like it but subconsciously she was reaching out.”

“Really now?”

“She didn’t come from the best background.  She wanted you to be jealous.  It was how her mom had always done things growing up.”

“And she opened up to you about all this?”

“No, I confronted her.  I kicked the guy’s ass and almost hit her too.  Luckily, I stopped myself before things got out of hand.”

“It sure doesn’t sound like she had a realization when I left.”

“I think she did.  Otherwise, she would have never told me the things she did.  I’d never seen a girl cry so much, look so helpless.”

“I wish I could pity her; I really do.”

“She didn’t expect you to and neither do I.  I just want you to see how far she’s come and try taking the first step toward forgiveness.  It would mean a lot to her if you two could end up friends someday.  You walking out, ultimately, did a great deal for her.”

“So, I guess I’d be an usher or something at this wedding… if I went?”

“Best man if you want it.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Well, it looks like we won’t have one then.  She’s determined it’s you or nothing.”

“I guess I’ll have to then.”

“Great.  Thanks for doing this.”

“I’m still hurt and a little angry but I’m glad she moved on and found a way to be happy; maybe there’s hope for me too.”

“There’s always bridesmaids.”

Race to Erase

Joy ran off fifteen pounds,

It wasn’t good enough.

Her washboard, six-pack

Went down to perfect hips

And chiseled legs.

It wasn’t good enough.

She thought of nothing but her health,

Shed pounds in her relationships.

It wasn’t good enough.

Blood ran through the body

To the heart; diastolic near impeccable.

It wasn’t good enough.

She stopped studying; figured

That a brain of seven pounds

Just weighed her down.

It wasn’t good enough.

Others saw her flawless bod

And gaped but couldn’t for the

Life of them recall her name

Or who she was.  And neither could she.

It wasn’t good enough.

My Bad Luck with Fortune Cookies

Fortune cookies come in all shapes and sizes. Okay, so almost always the same size and shape. But the fortunes can be drastically different.  Most people I know will crack one open and leave with an optimistic feeling. Others, like me are not so lucky. For reasons I cannot quite explain my fortunes are most always terribly condescending or just plain insulting.  This leads me to a new segment titled My Bad Luck with Fortune Cookies.

Not all closed eye is sleeping, nor open eye is seeing.

On the surface, perhaps not bad. But think what it's saying about me, the paying customer. I'm apparently not very perceptive to Mr. I-write-cookies-for-a-living.

Cultivation to the mind is as necessary as food to the body.

Well, they could have said bluntly I'm a fat idiot but instead chose the next best thing. I'm eating too much, and in doing so contributing to Mr. Cookie's business. But that isn't good enough. I need to cultivate my mind. I suppose that means cooking my own meals and writing my own fortunes. Tough break, Mr. Cookie.

P.S. the lucky numbers sucked too.

Black Wednesday

I hear about fun times

that people have and envy

not so much that I myself won’t have them

in a way; more, the belonging in their moment

I seem incapable of replicating.

Middle-child syndrome you might call it;

the perpetual third wheel, or often less

and more a spoke within the tire

to break down and stop the wagon–

if only that significant.

Jamie's Gate

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT

*****

I tried to remember the crime I committed.  I tried to recall why the cops were dragging me out of their cruiser and into a police station.  Nothing came to me.  I felt their fists hit my stomach; I smelled my own fear.

“Teach you to camp, hippie!”  One’s voice said.

“Let’s book him.”

“For what?”

“It doesn’t matter.  Say he hit one of us.”

I wondered if I had.  Anything seemed possible in the current situation.

“Time to strip this Nancy down.  We can see if he’s really got some balls under that Vagina.”

I didn’t resist when they tore off my shirt and pants.  It seemed all the more humorous to them.

“He’s got bigger grapes than I thought.  Still small though.”

“Hey, Hank, get me the pepper spray.  I have an idea.”

“You wouldn’t?”  Hank said egging him on.

“Oh, I would, Ted.  Hand it over.”

The immense pain I felt before was somehow amplified.  Hank emptied the whole can of pepper spray on my bare genitals.  There was nothing I could do to stop him as it burned.  I bit my tongue until it bled.

“That’s enough for now.  He can cool his heels ‘til we think of something better.”

“Sounds good.  Come with me!”

I was dragged again; this time unable to walk.  The cop showed no sympathy; kicking, hitting, kneeing my enflamed genitals.

We entered a bizarre looking jail.  There were no cells.  Inmates were free to move yet chose not to.  They cowered, shaking violently around a central pit.  It wasn’t clear what was inside; just that something was.

“What are they afraid of?”

“You’ll see soon enough.  Or maybe, I can let you in right now.”

He lifted me up toward the pit.  I thrust my feet against the air trying to get him.  I never got the chance.  Before I realized what was happening I fell.  My legs broke on impact and I couldn’t move.

I saw the faintest glow light up a body.  It was a young woman; a beautiful one at that.  Perhaps she was a prisoner as well.

“Excuse me,” I asked.  It was a mistake.  Her teeth snapped, sharper and longer than I could have previously believed.  “Are you a werewolf?”

“Much worse.”

“A demon?”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“I wish that were all.”

Her teeth were not what moved.  Her entire face expanded, split in half.  Screaming hands reached out.  I felt my essence pulled away.  Skin peeled off with memories, emotions toward the young girl’s void.

I saw a story flash as I absorbed inside of Jamie.  An even younger version of the young girl had gold necklaces and bracelets with a shovel.  She was digging furiously; possessed with desire.  She wanted something more beneath the ground, the grave.  It called to her.  One more necklace, one more ring would help her forget.  And she could stop.  But she could never stop.  Jamie was beyond intervention.

Metal hit wood.  Her hands pried open the coffin lid.  But nothing was inside; merely satin and a headless pillow.

“I see you’ve found my coffin,” a cold voice said.

“Yours?”

“Oh, yes.  I’m dead, undead to be exact.”

“It can’t be.”

“But it is.  Joshua, Maurice, grab her.  We have work to do.”

They lifted her from the grave.  She seemed almost willing as she walked into a clearing with no headstones.  A pentagram had been drawn on the ground.  The vampires licked their lips hungrily.  Jamie considered escape but barely turned before they pinned her down.

Remorseless penetration consumed her body.  She bled from her mouth and anus.  The cold, undead members were as hard as ice.  The only part of her they left alone she feared for.

A hideously scarred creature approached and the rape stopped.  It seemed like Jamie’s savior perhaps.  But she had hoped too soon.  Both hands held a massive, reddish horn up to the moonlight.  Chanting began.  Pitch rose higher and higher until… the horn was slammed into Jamie’s previously untouched vagina.  The creature lifted it again; the chanting renewed and she felt the unbearable pain once more as it went further.  It never stopped.  The night was an eternity in hell; a hell that rose inside of her.

I felt her pain, her anger and her rage.  My hands reached out the void with countless others ready to consume.  Our enemies would join us.  Our friends would join us.  Our families would join us with all others in the way.

The Cheetoh Kiss

She’s eating Cheetohs

And I like the crunch,

The rustle of the bag.

She smacks her lips.

I taste the cornstarch,

Extract on the phone.

Electronic breath breathes

        Down...
        ...My...
        ...Neck...
 Leaving me
 Lovebite orange.

Techno Mix

As you can hear (if you haven't muted the volume) I've changed up the playlist again.  I got bored with the old and brought in some new.  Thought I'd explore techno music.  I'm not quite familiar with it so I looked up some songs others people seemed fond of.  I had a few bands in mind though i.e. DJ Sammy who performed one of my favorite songs, Heaven.  Also, for no reason I threw in Smash Mouth and some Italo disco.  So, I hope you take the time to enjoy and dare I say, dance it up?

Eye Floater

At a young age the vitreous inside

Our eyes are perfectly transparent;

We see the world for what it is;

And not for what it isn’t.

Imperfections soon emerge with time

Branding shadows on our retinas

Showing us the past in worms

That crawl across closed lids

To feed off insecurities; the ugly

Memories we can’t forget, though

Tried in vain. The worm, the floater,

Always finds them.

Sweet congealed mess living in my head,

The spot on the carpet that won’t go away;

If only I could cry you out.

The Crime

“Did you hear the news?” a mid-twenty something blonde man said, sitting next to a brunette woman roughly the same age.

“How could I not?”

“Did it surprise you?

“Of course it did.”

He held a paper in one hand and gently put it down on the table.  The brunette woman winced, but otherwise showed little emotion.

“How are you so calm over this? You dated him for Christ sake.”

“You were his best friend for I don’t know how many years.”

“Well, people change I guess.”

“Apparently.  The Jeff I knew would never–“ She trailed off.  The reality of the situation appeared to hit her all at once.

“It’s okay, Beth.  It’s nothing you did.”

“I know that, Todd!  I’ve told myself that since the moment I heard.”

“But you don’t believe it.”

“No.  There has to be something I could have said that might have made the slightest difference.”

“There wasn’t.”

“But all those families…”

“BETH!  There wasn’t!  Let it go.”

“That’s easy for you to say.  You didn’t sleep with him.”

“Do you really think that gives you some magical insight into the workings of his later deranged mind?”

“Something was there then; it had to have been.  Maybe if I had just made him cum a little better…”

“I’m sure he cummed spectacularly.  At least that’s what he told me the next day.”

“You dog!” Beth shrieked, throwing a pillow.

“Hey, women tell each other just as much.”

“Not that way.”

“What way is that?”

“You know,” Beth said, impersonating a male voice, “I totally banged this girl last night.  She squealed like a piggy.”

“He didn’t say it like that.”

“How did he say it?  No, never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.  No.  Yes.  Fine, just tell me.”

“He said he slept with the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on and he was truly happy for the first time in his life.”

“No way.”

“Yes way.”

“What did you say back?”

“I believe my exact words were ‘Dude… weak!’”

“That does sound like your teenage self and come to think of it your current self.”

“It was really corny.”

“And romantic.”

“But mostly… corny.”

“I don’t understand then, why he broke it off and left.  You’ve got to know more than what you’ve told me.”

“The last thing he said was he needed to get out of town to work some stuff out.  I didn’t see him after that; no one did.  He vanished into thin air.”

“He didn’t call… or text?”

“Like I said… nothing.”

“Did they say what happened to him?  I couldn’t finish reading the article.”

“It wasn’t pretty, Beth.”

“What do you mean?”

“You knew Jeff.  He was always the determined sort.  No one was going to take him alive if he didn’t want them to.”

“You mean?”

“I’m really sorry.  I had a hard time accepting too but it’s done.  The Jeff we knew died long before that night.”

“I can’t believe that.”

“Why not?  No friend of ours could possibly do such heinous things.  He changed.  Became another person.”

“I got a phone call from him,” Beth interjected, “a year or so after he left.  He hung up after a few seconds but I knew it was him.”

“Honestly, Beth that could have been any pervert!”

“It was him.  I knew.”

“And you didn’t report this to the police?  You know what he did!  What he was doing even then!”

“I agonized over it, believe me.”

“Obviously not enough.  You never mentioned this.”

“I didn’t think you’d understand.  I was kind of right in a way.”

“I’m not the unreasonable one!  You aided and abetted a criminal!”

“Really?  I had no solid proof it was him.  He didn’t say a word.  Do you think the police would have done anything but laugh?”

“No… I suppose not.”

“They’d probably think it was a long time coming.  Little girl can’t get over her heartthrob who ran away and became…”

Todd put his arm around her shoulder.  “Do you remember the police questioning us?”

“Yeah, they tried to get something, but they were from the same town.  They knew everything we did.”

“It’s a shame things didn’t work out differently.  He deserved what he got, I won’t deny, but still…”

“Are you sure?  They shot him in cold blood.  He didn’t have a chance to defend himself.”

“Beth, don’t start feeling sorry for him.  It’ll only make things harder.”

“I suppose so.  I guess I’m still holding onto who he was before all this; that smart, bright guy I fell in love with.”

“It’s hard letting go.  He was my best friend; always there for me no matter what.”

Todd picked himself up from the couch with a sigh, grabbing the newspaper.  He kissed Beth on the head and walked slowly to the door before pausing. 

“What is it, Todd?”

“I still can’t believe he was gay.”

The Raving Moonbat

I've started a new political blog.  It's called the Raving Moonbat and it's pretty... liberal.  So, if you like that sort of thing and want more you should totally stop over man.  We can talk about world peace and eat these brownies I made.  I won't tell you what's in them though.

Caged

The bear ate honey in the forest.  Or what it thought was a forest.  The limbs flickered and a blowing sound emitted from the floor.

“Don’t mind the noise,” a soothing voice said.  “Get back to doing bear stuff.”

“What sort of bear stuff?” The bear replied.

“You know… fishing, hunting, playing with your friend Piglet?

“I’m sorry.  That’s not me.  I need to feel motivated.  What’s my motivation?”

“You don’t need motivation; you’re already a bear!”

“You’re a human but I’m not expecting you to act like Roy Rogers and Clint Eastwood.  How ignorant!”

“Jeff,” the voice whispered.  “Turn on the gas.  It looks like another won’t cooperate.”

“Whatever you say, Bill.”

A green cloud began to fill the room.  The bear merely continued staring at horizon it had figured out was two-way glass.  Impending death had not changed its demeanor, but rather gave a curious expression in the place of fear.

“I surmise,” choked out the bear as its lungs began to give, “you’d like to know what you’ve done wrong in this experiment.”

“We don’t need advice from lesser mammals.  If you were intelligent at all you’d be the one gassing us.”

“I’m going to tell you, regardless.  The obvious explanation is you can’t play God expecting results in your favor; the less obvious being, bears will generally eat fish over honey in their environment.”

The room became completely obscured with gas.  The bear did not use the situation to its advantage for escape, however.  It merely lied down as if going to sleep, happy to have the hard part of its journey over with.

“That one sure didn’t put up a fight.”

“You expected it to?”

“Well, yeah, wouldn’t you?”

“I’m human; my life means more.”

“But will your death in the end?”

“Really!?  You’re getting pretty philosophical.”

“Let’s just bring in the next bear.”

Another bear walked out identical to the first in appearance.  It was not clear where the corpse of the other had gone.

“What do you say we let this one live for a while, maybe get it some fresh fish?”

“I’d say you’re losing your nerve.”

“Didn’t you hear what that other bear said?”

“No.  You heard a bear talking?”

“Yeah,” Bill said nervously.  “Didn’t you?”

“I think you need a break…”

“No… please… I’m really all right!”

These were the last words Bill remembered speaking to Jeff.  He slowly opened his eyes inside the bear pen that was no longer a bear pen.  Bill was back in his college dorm room.  The familiar swimsuit calendar hung on the wall with posters of his favorite bands.  He ran up to his roommate, Zach, he hadn’t seen in nearly twenty-years.  "Hey, man, want to go play some Frisbee in the quad?"  Zach didn't respond.  Bill noticed him flicker.  A familiar blowing sound emitted from the floor.

Bill felt his lungs begin to seize.  The room was filled with greenish haze.  He ran with all his strength toward where he thought the two-way glass must have been.  When he fell over, he crawled.  Jeff was not ready to die.  He refused to accept it.  The lights were dimming; he knew it had nothing to do with the electricity.

As he lay, finally immobilized, he saw the other bear, the dead bear, sitting where his friend had been mere moments before.

“Help me!  Please!  I can save you too!”  Bill thought more than talked.  He was barely capable of whispering.

“So naïve,” the bear said before vanishing and leaving Bill to his fate.

Rainbow Baby

That girl with the golden smile

Ain’t so pearly white;

I’ve seen her cry her silver tears,

Sacrifice ‘til black and blue.

Red blood shot eyes

And thoughts of grey

In ultra-violet spectrums,

We can’t see but know are there;

Indigo’s a myth that we hold onto.

I’ve seen the rainbow’s spectrum lie,

Or maybe it has always told the truth

And we’re too blind, too quick

To get the bigger picture.

Something in the arch is lost

In the horizon’s translation;

Blue trails off to meet
The hardened smile of a girl.

.

Night Poems

Ben Ditmars' chapbook of poetry, Night Poems is now Available on Amazon for Kindle and Print.

So, I'm considering this new project.  It might have and probably has been done in some way before but I think I can put my own unique spin on things.  My goal is to write a book of poems written at night in different places, instances, etc.  I'm of the opinion that everything is that much more interesting after the sun goes down and everyone's asleep.  Let me know what you all think.  If anyone wants me to send them some of what I'm working on, I'd love to do that too and get your opinions that way.

Super Villains for Issue 2

Ohio's government passed legislation this past year to strip public employees of collective bargaining rights, the ability to strike and negotiate for safe staffing levels among other things.  Signatures were gathered and a repeal, Issue 2, was placed on the ballot to be voted on this next Tuesday.  Naturally, an influential demographic has stood strong against these efforts.  I speak of course of super villains.  They were kind enough recently to do a photo shoot.

The Dark Lord Sauron has long opposed collective bargaining and all forms of union labor.  Imagine being in his situation, managing thousands of orcs, and have them start complaining about sulfur gas.  HELLO, they're right next to a freaking volcano!  Of course, there's sulfur gas.  What can he do about it?  Not much.

Voldemort  has similar concerns.  Sure, he looks happy in this photograph, but inside, he's crying.  Voldemort, you see is among the much persecuted one-percent.  He worked hard to get where he is, ruling over a psuedo-dictatorship, and persecuting filthy mudbloods.  Under this new law however, half-breeds would have a say in their salaries.  Imagine, what this would do to yet another fragile Dark Lord.  His pockets would be emptied.  He would no longer be able to purchase elaborate fountains displaying the muggle and house-elf's feebleness in relation to wizards.

Lastly, we have Ganon.  Ganon is a Gerudo-born villain, seeking the Triforce and absolute power over Hyrule.  But he has a problem.  Public employees stand in his way.  Firemen, police and others arrest his monsters in a constant assault.  Without the ability to maintain safe staffing levels, however, they will quickly be overrun.  And Ganon will recreate the world in his image, making Lon Lon Ranch into an efficient distopia.

A Love Story in 500 Words

“I’ll just hurt you” said Max.

“And why is that?” Jesse replied, crossing her arms.

“I just know, all right?”

“No, I don’t think you do.  It’s fear of commitment plain and simple.”

“I wish it only were…”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m bad news Jessie.”

“Like a robbery or tsunami?”

“Worse.”

“You presume to think a relationship with you is the equal to mass displacement and death on a scale to rival Haiti or New Orleans?”

“Of course.  And now you see the gravity of the situation.”

“Your arrogance?”

“Precisely, among other things.”

“I’ve dated arrogant men before; men that really were.  You just think you are.”

“Obviously those relationships didn’t work, so why would you think this one has a shot?”

“Why do you say that?  They worked.  I parted pleasantly with several, it was only circumstance, distance and the like.”

“Sure.”

“Stop minimalizing everything I say!”

“Can’t help it.  I’m an ass.  Is that really the sort of man you should keep chasing after?”

“I think there’s something deeper you’re not saying; some inner fear or insecurity.”

“Contrary to the female’s popular belief, men really aren’t that deep.  We tell it like it is unless we’re cheating.”

“Are you cheating then?”

“How would I do that?  I’m not involved with anyone.”

“What about me?”

“Well, apart from your mental candyland, no.”

“That really hurts.”

“It doesn’t have to; find someone who’s right for you.”

“But that’s YOU!  You’ve got to realize that by now!”

“I didn’t want to tell you this but… I have a dark past.”

“How dark?

“Deep space.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“I’ve killed and I’ll do it again!”

“Then kill me.  Go ahead.  I have nothing to live for if you reject me.”

“But all I’ve done is reject you and if I’m not mistaken you’re still kickin.’”

“Fine,” Jesse mumbled, making her way to a nearby drawer.  She drew a large bread knife and held it to her throat.

“What are you doing?”

“If you don’t kiss me by the time I count to ten I’ll drench the carpet with my blood.”

“Honestly,” replied Max stepping toward her.  Jesse held the knife closer.  Blood trickled from a slight cut.  “Put the knife back, already!”

“One!” she screamed.

“Don’t make me beg!”

“Two!”

“This won’t change anything!”

“Three!”

“I’d only be kissing you to save a life!”

“Four!”

“Jesse, okay, I’ll admit it; I feel something but it’s very deep and barely there.”

“Five!”

“Also, it’s impractical to act on!”

“Six!”

“Please, stop!  I’ll only ruin you!”

“You’ll ruin me either way at this point, at least with one of them I’ll be alive!  Seven!”

“This is insane!  Take a breath and calm down!”

“Eight!”

“Jesus, Jessie!”

“Nine!”

“You win!  I’ll kiss you all night and for the rest of my life if I have to!”

“Good,” said Jesse, returning the knife to its drawer.  Max strode over, grabbing her around the waist.  She smiled as they kissed; all night.