Submissions: The New Yorker

Different publications have different requirements for submissions.  These are the New Yorker's.

STEP 1: Put your submission in an envelope complete with vintage stamps from early America.

STEP 2: Mail directly to our dumpster if you went to Brown.

STEP 3: If you went to a real college such as Harvard, you may continue to step three. Please wrap your envelope in mink and don’t forget the wax seal with your family’s crest. If your family does not have a crest, take your elementary school writing to a greeting card company and never call us again.

STEP 4: Once those steps are complete you have the privilege of placing your submission inside a cooler with Almas Beluga Caviar. We shall eat it as we mock your work.