Gnome Jong Il

Gnome Company; Always on the run
Destiny is the garden's rising sun
Oh Hafrank was born with a flower in his hand
Behind a root he'll make my final stand
That's why they call it gnome company
And you can't deny
Gnome company
Till the day we die
Till the day we die

Announcer: This episode of Gnome Company is brought to you by holiday cheer… the only liquor strong enough to get you through the season.

Hafrank:  I’m so happy we chose to have Thanksgiving on an island off the disputed coast of South Korea this year.

Krista:  North Korea!

Krista hits Hafrank with a chair

Hafrank:  Like I said, disputed.

Nick:  The turkey’s done!

Hafrank:  Yum, this is way better than the assortment of acorns my family ate in the old country.

Krista:  You were bred in captivity, weren’t you?

Hafrank:  I imagine the cage with plastic rocks to be my old country.

Nick:  I think the oven just beeped.

Krista:  You just took the turkey out though.

Nick:  Well, then that could only mean…

Hafrank:  MISSILE!

Nick:  Everybody get in the oven!

Krista:  Hafrank, where are you going?

Hafrank:  I’m grabbing the food.

Krista:  But Kim’s missile is coming right for us!

Hafrank:  If we see God hungry and eat all the good stuff at the heavenly buffet, he’s going to change his mind and send us to hell.

Krista:  True.

Nick:  Get the cranberry sauce!

Krista:  Mashed potatoes!

Missile hits, reducing everything but the oven to a crater; Nick sticks his head out

Nick:  Hafrank, we’ll need the gravy too.

Announcer:  And we’ll right back… when I get paid my holiday bonus.

George W. Bush:  Hello, I betcha ya’all heard about my new book that done come out.  It’s called Decision Points he he he.  And I’m here to tell you it makes for a good stockin stuffer.  You hearin’ that Mom?  They wouldn’t give me a free copy.  So, everyone, especially mom, better go out and get them some of this here litrary gold.  The profits totally won’t go to fund nefarious purposes, like a new war against Iran.  What’s that Cheney, it will?  You didn’t want me to tell them that? Well shit on a stick!

Announcer:  I got enrolled in the jelly club!  Those fucks!

Hafrank:  Ow…

Nick:  Is the gravy ok, Hafrank?

Hafrank:  I fell in it.

Nick:  But, it’s still good, right?

Hafrank:  If you like it off my ass.

Nick:  Beggars can’t be choosers, scrape it off!

Krista:  Wait, Nick… maybe we should find out who is responsible for the attack.

Nick:  That sounds like talk from someone who’s not hungry anymore.  Is that… a whole turkey you’re snarfing?

Krista:  Maybe.

Nick:  You can’t say maybe when you’re still eating the evidence!

Hafrank:  Ow…

Nick:  Stop your bellyaching Hafrank!

Hafrank:  I think a gravyboat is lodged in my kidney.

Nick:  Then sail it out!

Krista:  You should tend to his wounds, Nick.

Nick:  Oh all right, I guess I better… hey, you’re eating the casserole now!

Krista:  I thought the suffering of a loved one would be a good distraction for you.

Nick:  Well, you’re wrong.

Hafrank:  Missile…

Nick:  Yes, Hafrank, we’ve already determined that.

Hafrank:  Other, Missile…

Nick:  Everyone back in the oven!

Krista:  Hafrank, be a dear and get the champagne.

Hafrank:  But…

John Travolta:  Hey!  How dare you make the cute gnome take all the punches.  That’s my job!

John Travolta puts Hafrank in the oven with a candy cane; Krista steals it

John Travolta:  Now, bring me all you got missile!

Missile hits John in the crotch

John Travolta:  Ow… perhaps a bit less of all you got…

Hafrank sticks his head out

Hafrank:  This missile says South Korea.

Nick:  So, they’re bombing themselves?

Krista:  That makes no sense.

Nick:  It’s common in history for one side to feign hostility.

Krista:  There’s no such thing as history.

Nick:  Well… damn.

Hafrank:  I think you need to see both sides Nick.

Nick:  How so?

Hafrank:  South Korea didn’t do this on purpose.  There’s just naturally at any given time a bunch of missiles flying back and forth.  It’s been that way for fifty years.

Ben Ditmars:  Hafrank, Nick your histories are both off the mark.  There’s a frequency of testing and drills to prepare for war that in itself forces tensions closer to war.  The fact that there is no discernible way to settle border disputes only heightens a long-brewing sense of paranoia.

Krista:  I like my answer better.

Nick:  Yeah, I’m going with Krista.  Her’s is easier to get.

Hafrank:  Here’s to no history!

Krista:  Oh, Hafrank!

Ben Ditmars:  But you just saying there's no history makes Krista's comment void!

Krista:  Nah, that's just the past.  History is when a bunch of white-wigged Romans get on their Trojan horses and tear down the Berlin Wall.  Also, something about a fat man sitting on Nagasaki.  He was sumo or something.

Ben Ditmars: You are beyond help, child.

Krista:  To infinity and beyond!

Hafrank:  I love Toy Story! Let's go watch!

Ben: Oh, Hafrank. And Buzz.