THE BUS STOP
AGENT, CONSPIRACY THEORIST
A neighborhood bus stop
(A conspiracy theorist with an aluminum foil hat sits next to an agent in a black suit.)
AGENT: This can’t be good.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: It couldn’t be better.
AGENT: I’ll take your word for it.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Are there aliens?
AGENT: Of course not.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: But there’s all this evidence! You can’t deny the evidence.
AGENT: Listen, I work for the government. I can’t make a call to across town without someone releasing it online.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I’ve seen UFOs, man.
AGENT: You have?
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Well, my best buddy’s friend did.
AGENT: Let me guess. He got drunk and saw a bunch of lights in the sky?
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: How’d you know?
AGENT: We get requests under the Freedom of Information act to see “video from that strange thing in the sky” all the time. It’s usually a helicopter or a gun they were shooting into the air.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Come on, man. Just tell me where you’re hiding the UFOs.
AGENT: Okay, you’ve got the best of me. We’re hiding the alien spacecraft directly up your ass.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (attempting to look at his butt.) I knew the feds put something up there.
AGENT: You’ve got to be smarter than that.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Smarter than what?
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Can you at least tell me why you killed Kennedy and faked 9/11?
AGENT: Me? I was only five when they killed Kennedy.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Aha! You said they. So it was an inside job! And so were the twin towers. My blog is going to be so popular.
AGENT: So, it’s all about blogging?
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I like to be important.
AGENT: Maybe you should volunteer at the soup kitchen or read to kids.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: That would make me important?
AGENT: Well, it only makes the world a better place. No big deal.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Yeah, but that doesn’t do anything for me.
AGENT: You know, I think you are better off blogging about UFOs on the internet.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Duh. Now, tell me something I can use.
AGENT: Okay, I’ll tell you a huge secret. 9/11 was an inside job planned by Obama and George W. Bush. They wanted an excuse to invade Iraq for oil contracts and kryptonite to kill Superman.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Superman doesn’t exist.
AGENT: Not anymore.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: You just blew my mind.
AGENT: But I shouldn’t have. The military wouldn’t sit on alien technology when they could sell it or win a war with it.
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: I never said alien technology.
AGENT: Blast! Where’s my memory wiper?
(He gets out a metal pen and flashes a bright light).
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Gee wilikers! My memories!
(The Agent looks around confused.)
Luckily, my foil hat reflected the rays. I recall everything and now I will be the most awesome blogger since Arianna Huffington.
AGENT: That’s a strange name. Is she with the band?
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: No, but she told me I could have that pen you’re holding.
AGENT: Oh, this thing? I thought it was a coffee stirrer.
(He hands him the memory wiper.)
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: (Standing up.) Now I have the power!!
(The conspiracy theorist runs away laughing and leaves the agent alone.)
AGENT: What a bizarre man. I hope he enjoys his coffee.