Joe Briggs walked out of the polling place. It was clear he wouldn’t be gone long from
the look of him. He was positively
fuming; maybe even a little drunk. The
volunteer had told him in no uncertain terms his identification was out of date
and unusable. When he asked how much a
new ID would be the worker had told him $40-50 easy. Joe mumbled something about poll tax but the
volunteer was adamant. State orders had
come down with strict requirements to prevent fraud. Joe asked what fraud there’d ever been. She wasn’t amused. The volunteer threatened to call the police;
Joe threatened worse.
The rest had happened so fast no one was exactly sure
what went down. The poll worker was out cold with a black eye
on the table and Joe was speeding off in his pick-up truck. In a few minutes the police arrived,
surrounded the building and began questioning people. The volunteer told them Joe’s name but the
other people present gave no clue as to where he might have gone.
Things quickly escalated as the police wanted to examine the voting apparatus. They claimed it may have been tampered with
in the chaos. Everyone knew it was bunk
and an obvious power grab.
People surrounded the voting machines. A cop fired his weapon in the air. Several flinched but all managed to hold
their ground. A tense situation only
became tenser as Joe pulled up outside with reinforcements. His truck bed was full of good ole boys with
automatic weapons. The police had a few
handguns between them at best.
An officer considered calling in the SWAT but in a scene
reminiscent of the old West, Joe Briggs kicked down the door and shot the radio
clean out of his hand. The rest of the
officers didn’t take long to surrender after the fact. They were outnumbered, outgunned and scared
shitless from the looks of ‘em.
All the authorities could do was watch as Joe let
everyone inside to vote. He still made
sure no one cheated but he was fair about it.
At the end of the night he even let the cops cast their vote, provided
they didn’t report anything.
May I present the alphabet poem prompt. I don't know if anyone will follow my lead with this, but I think it would be an interesting reflection on our selves if we created an alphabet poem on what our blogs say about who we are. So, I'll give it the first go.
Nitwitty Impeccable, incredible Craftsman of the Esoteric.
Omnipotent Lover of the Droll.
Supercalifragilisticex Pialiocious Ice cream lover Cracked out on Entertaining self.
Maybe I should stop opening these cookies but being the masochist I am, here's yet another installment. Once again, the others at my table got encouraging words and I got this:
People forget how fast you did a job-but they remember how well you did it.
It would appear the cookie gods have a problem with my work ethic. Not everyone can devote their time to making stale rocks, I guess. Maybe if you spent a little more time crafting your confections they would taste a lot better. But, no, I'm doing my job fast and not cranking out five-hundred boxes a minute.
Does anyone have a Kindle? If so, you have a brand new way to read the Spice! That's right. Nice Old Spice is now available for subscription on your Amazon Kindle. Unfortunately, it's $0.99 a month. They wouldn't let me make it free. But, if you want to try out something new, look no further! Also, there's still my novel if you haven't read it. Wink, wink. It's in paperback too. Double wink wink (that's four whole winks, c'mon).
No one is quite sure how it happened. It may have been the result of a double dip
recession turned depression; it may have been banks continuing to invest
heavily in Europe. Either way, it
appears one-hundred percent of Americans are now unemployed. The super-rich are even out of jobs, as
nearly every company has failed or is in the process of bankruptcy. Farmers have stopped harvesting; government
employees have been suspended indefinitely.
Even this reporter is freelancing this story, hoping desperately for
buyers in a hopeless market. Basic
utilities across the board have become imperiled as well. Power and water facilities have no one to run
them, and no money to operate. Stores
long since looted, city-dwellers are taking to growing their own food from
seeds in the parking lots and abandoned buildings most have holed up in. The President of the United States, long the
last individual receiving a salary, recently resigned as his cabinet had months
before. He is now currently residing in
a dumpster outside the Capitol Building.
His cardboard sign says THE END IS NEAR.
And he may just be right.
Hey, I bet you think I'm losing my touch? No chance! I've killed two-hundred kittens in the last hour. Thank Satan for Red Bull! I don't give up, I don't take no prisoners! Okay, okay, if I have something really important to do I might take a few. You know like when a rerun of Seinfeld happens to be on. I just love that Kramer guy. Hey, he wasn't racist then! He wasn't dammit! Don't tell me what to like! The point is, you made me look like a chump Ben. People are going to start jumping off buildings for fun now, just to mock me. What!? They already do? There's no way that's a sport! I suppose they leap out of airplanes too for the thrill of it? Mother-fuckers! I've obviously got a lot of fear left to strike into the hearts of the human population. Oh, wait. Fox News has me covered. Their viewers fear me ALL the time; from immigrants, leftists and all sorts of dark-skinned people. Honestly they don't even have to be a race apart from whites; they just need to spend an hour at a tanning bed and Hannity will devote a show to taking their rights away. All right, I should wrap this up. I guess I won't kill you, Ben. For now.
"Love? The most beautiful, shiny, warmy thing in the world? You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie? She's chosen to give you her life. She's picked you as her life partner! But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love? I could accept it, man. And Debbie's amazing, man. She's cool and she's funny and she smells good and she's nice and her hair always looks different. She's too good for you, man. You're disgusting. You know, you're an urchin. And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch. You're a filthy bitch! And I'd bust your balls. Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Allison doesn't want to do that with me. And it makes me sad all day."*
*Hopefully this full quote will show up on Google now.
I'm a glutton for punishment so I went out with my dad for Chinese food. We got clever though. This time we switched cookies, hoping to trick fate and give me an encouraging fortune. It was one step ahead of us. My dad got ended up with:
No need to worry, you will always have everything that you need.
I bet you're wondering what I got. Remember that scene in Jumanji when the boy tried cheating and the boardgame made him grow a tail? Yeah, kind of like that.
Self-respect is the root of discipline.
Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. "I respect Ben, he's so cool." But don't! Buddha will come on you like a golden statue. I don't have self-respect and I will never be Kung-fu Panda. Also, something about discipline.
will now transfer you to the drain cleaner department. Please listen to the music
while your party is reached. I’m hooked on a feeling, I’m high on believing! You used Liquid Plumber, correct? Transferring you to the Liquid Plumber
department. Please listen to the music
while your party is reached. I close my
eyes only for a moment and the moment’s gone! Dust in the wind! Before we give any more advice, we’re
transferring you to claims. Please listen
to the music while your party is reached.
Karma karma karma karma karma
chameleon, you come and go, you come and go!
Your claim number is 109998.
Transferring you back to the Liquid Plumber department. Please listen to the music while your party
is reached. Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley,
sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to
one who lives there, she was once a true love of mine. Sorry, it turns out your claim did not go
through. Are you still there? The nerve of these dying people, I swear!”
DirecTV offers info on practically every show for parents. I do mean, just about every show. Not only that but they have family discussion questions for the very worst of them. You know the ones kids should not be near at all, let alone with sane parents? Well, these are a few of the best.
All right, Billy, we're going to watch Beavis and Butt-Head and then we're having an intellectual discussion on its relevance to society. Think really hard on the issues it presents. Did you just laugh when I said hard? God dammit, Billy!
Families can talk about role models. Do you expect to
find positive role models in the shows you watch? Which ones exist? What
aspects of their behavior impress you? Do you think their characteristics are
transferrable to the real world? Teens: Why do you think this show has been
remade? Does it offer any positive content for viewers? Is its comedy style
similar to any other show you watch? Do you find it funny? Are you familiar
with the MTV shows that are highlighted in Beavis and Butt-head? If not, are
you more inclined to watch them after seeing the clips here? How does
intermingling shows like this serve as advertising? Do you think that factored
into the plans for this series?
MANswers Daddy really likes this show. We're going to figure out why.
Families can talk about what it means to treat other
people with respect. Does this show treat its subjects respectfully? Does it
matter whether subjects are willingly participating in the issues and events
the show covers (dwarf tossing, for example)? What messages does the show send
about sex, alcohol, and other hot-button issues? Do you think producers hope
teens will watch? Why or why not?
1,000 Ways to Die
Fictitious representations of death aren't teaching you anything. We laugh at real people's problems in this family. Even if they don't always live through it.
Families can talk about the pros and cons of featuring
accidents and/or deaths on a reality show. Is it ever OK to treat these events
as a source of entertainment? Does it make a difference if the stories are
presented within the context of educating viewers? Families can also talk
discuss how death and dying are treated in mainstream American culture. Did you
know that some cultures incorporate death as a major part of life? How does
this show treat its subjects?
Housewives of Atlanta
Jessica, with any luck this will be your life someday. Jessica? JESSICA!? Put down that book on the LSAT!!
Families can talk about the appeal of watching shows
about wealthy, elite members of society. Why do you think the Real Housewives
franchise is so successful? What kinds of messages do these shows send about
people who have money? Do you think people really want to be like them? What
would be the hardest part about living like these people? The easiest? Families
can also discuss some of the featured on the show. Some of them talk about
their troubled pasts. How do you think that impacts the way they live their
Also, on a final note, they had this to say about Spongebob Squarepants:
"Parents need to know that this cartoon includes violent, dark satirical humor that will confuse kids who can't separate fantasy and reality."
Yes Spongebob is violent and dark and a mockery of sponges everywhere. He will corrupt your mind as he washes your dishes. Beware!
Eve sued God today in federal court for damages cited
under the Americans with Disabilities Act. “I
was a diabetic,” she said in a recent press release. “I couldn’t just turn down an apple with my
blood sugar the way it was.”
The defense counters Eve was not an American citizen at
the time of the incident and therefore not entitled to the act’s
protection. Her lawyers responded she
was the mother of all American
citizens. The defense paused for thought
at having heard this and proceeded to scratch their heads at a loss for words.
“Her and Adam’s eviction,” Eve’s lawyer stated, “was
unwarranted, unethical and illegal.
Would God have kicked a paraplegic out of Eden for taking a crutch?”
In further developments, the serpent is getting in on the
action. He also claims himself as a
victim; of defamation from God. He recently was quoted saying he had only
prescribed Eve necessary medicine for her continued well-being. “God has blighted my good name and
reputation,” he told reporters.
Could this develop into a class-action? Analysts are saying it might. Stayed tuned to Channel 3 news for the